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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To seriously consider increasing nursery time for 2yo before baby's born

34 replies

Endofmytetherfinally · 31/03/2023 08:06

She does 2 days at present but has become so difficult at home on the other days I'm genuinely worried about my ability to cope with her and a newborn.

I've tried techniques from 'how to talk so little kids will listen', I've tried ignoring (non dangerous behaviour) and love bombing anything good. Genuinely don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
thegrain · 31/03/2023 08:07

If you think it will benefit you all then sure go for it. 2 days isn't much. Loads of kids are in 5 days a week at that age.

Nimbostratus100 · 31/03/2023 08:08

do what works for your family - 3 days seems reasonable, she will still be with you at home most days

Skinnermarink · 31/03/2023 08:08

Can you give some examples of her behaviour? How ‘two’ is she? Just two or getting towards 3?

thegrain · 31/03/2023 08:08

Probably best to do it before baby is here rather than OH siblings here off you go.

dryingontheradiatior · 31/03/2023 08:08

If you can increase it, then do. It'll make those early days much easier for you as a family including 2yo. It's also better to increase them before baby is born than wait until baby is here then 2yo feels like they're being sent off to nursery because of baby.

Nimbostratus100 · 31/03/2023 08:08

extend days, as long as she is happy at nursery

Skinnermarink · 31/03/2023 08:09

Also though obviously there’s nothing wrong with upping her days, at all. Big change coming her way though so would be better to do before the baby arrives.

DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 08:10

Do it before baby arrives, then baby doesn’t get blamed for being at nursery more.

Namechanger355 · 31/03/2023 08:11

Not sure what aibu is here given many women send their kids to nursery five days a week - and then continue to do so once the second child is here to keep a place (and obviously it is hard to have two little ones given the older one could be too tactile with the younger)

so obv do what you need to do - your 2 yo will learn at nursery and enjoy nursery - it won’t harm them!

Original poster
Endofmytetherfinally · 31/03/2023 08:15

Shes just 2. My aibu really is that I feel guilty her being at nursery when technically she could be at home with me. At the moment when she's there I'm at work. Feels different if I'm home.

In terms of the behaviours. Screaming at the top of her voice when she's told no. Deliberately doing the things i ask her not to (drawing on walls, pulling the cats fur). Refusing to walk or go in the pram so I have to carry her when I'm heavily pregnant.

She bought my Mil to tears the other day with a tantrum so I know it's not just me. She's apparently fine at nursery though. We do so much outdoors to tire her out that I just don't know what else I can do.

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 31/03/2023 08:19

Yes but many women send their kids post Mat leave to nursery is my point - so they are younger.

and you aren’t being unreasonable because quite frankly having the two together isn’t just like combining the difficulty of a newborn and a 2 use old - it will be worse because you won’t be able to leave them in the same room together alone for at least a while. So 3 days (or even more) seems like a perfectly sensible thing to do

Tarantallegra · 31/03/2023 08:20

Obviously not what you asked but I've got an almost 2 year old and a 9 week old and I had the same fears as you. My 2 year old is big for his age and very strong and I had zero luck teaching him to be gentle before the baby came with tantrums, snatching and hitting, it was a nightmare and I thought more than once that I'd made a mistake.

It has definitely been difficult since his sister came along but it really didn't take long for him to learn to be gentle and they now have the sweetest relationship. Pregnancy with a toddler was so rough I feel much more energetic on the other side and a lot more able to run around after a toddler so he's happier and calmer when I do have to sit and feed the baby. There are of course complete nightmare days when nobody naps and it's all overwhelming but on the whole things are much better than I expected.

Agree with others about upping the nursery days before the baby is here but just wanted to share my view from the other side in case it helps x

Noicant · 31/03/2023 08:20

Can you do 5 half days?

Squamata · 31/03/2023 08:28

I'd have no qualms about sending her in more. Don't feel guilty. When the baby comes, nursery is a valuable baby-free space!

However, I don't think that's a solution to all behaviour issues - you do need to find a way to feel on top of things rather than defeated by it. Nursery can't sort it all out for you and if her behaviour is poor at nursery that causes problems too.

How pregnant are you? Have you tried talking to her about the process, reading books with her etc? She might be unsettled by you being less mobile, more tired etc but if you show pictures or make a little book of what will happen, how you won't be this way forever and she'll always be special and part of your family, it might help.

With tantrums you need to do all you can to minimize (routines for snacks, sleep, activity etc) to help prevent her being overwhelmed and give vocal warnings 'we will do this in two minutes, one more minute of playing' etc.

Praise good behaviours a lot and tell her she's a good girl etc. Screaming, refusing to get in pram you can wait it out so long as it's not dangerous. Things like pulling car fur and drawing on walls would be absolute scorched earth unacceptable to me, very firm voice and she goes on the step or toy taken away etc - immediate consequence. They sound kind of like attention seeking things though.

When you say you've tried techniques - how long for? It can take a while for something to take effect.

I had dc2 when dc1 was 2.5. it was hard but survivable! Having a place to put the baby in our main rooms (high chair, bouncer, sleepyhead type thing) helped as I could pop baby down and sort dc1 out if she was acting up, and give her more attention while dc2 watched us.

Monstermoomoo · 31/03/2023 08:32

I increased my son's days at nursery before his brother was born, despite being a SAHM. We don't have any help with the kids from family so nursery is all we have for a bit of relief every now and again. I have no regrets! I guarantee you my older child was happier having fun with his friends at nursery than he would've been stuck at home with his newborn brother

Aozora13 · 31/03/2023 08:51

I have 3 DC with 5 years between the eldest and youngest. It worked well for us to keep older DC in nursery 3 days a week through younger siblings arriving and mat leave. It gave them stability and continuity and they were/are happy at nursery. It also meant I could have time to just focus on the baby (and sleep more) and was able to be better for the older kid(s) when they were home. We have no family support nearby so paid childcare is a big feature in our life!

Catsonskis · 31/03/2023 08:51

Hi op, I was in exactly same position when dd 2 came along 6m ago. DD1 was 2 and I upped her from 2-3 days when I was about 30 weeks (I had horrendous pgp but I also didn’t want to increase just as baby arrived).

ifs been the best thing for all 3 of us, she adores nursery and I reall focus on her in the morning and after I collect her rather than splitting my day between them all day. We’re all happier for it. I’m going to reduce back to 2 days soon but mainly because she’s a summer born so I only have 1 year before she starts school, plus easier to have them both by myself all day now baby is sitting/eating/feeding at better times, and dd1 is older.

id 100% recommend. If it doesn’t work you can always cancel the extra day!

RecklessBlackberries · 31/03/2023 08:58

This is our plan when/if we have a second. DS currently goes to nursery 2 days a week, we plan to up it to full time in April with the idea of having DC2 around October.

We're sending him earlier than we need to both in case I have a hard pregnancy but also so he doesn't directly blame the baby. He loves his nursery so I think he'll be fine with it.

Original poster
Endofmytetherfinally · 31/03/2023 09:08

Thanks for the replies. At 2 I don't think the naughty step is going to work for her. She gets the firm voice and toy removed but it doesn't seem to make any difference. We've talked a lot about the new baby and given her as much reassurance as we can.

She has an incredibly consistent routine too. I've been trying the techniques since she could start talking (she's very verbal) so it is a long term strategy not 'oh I did it once and it hasn't worked'. I agree it's attention seeking but I'm not sure how much attention she can have. It's completely 1-1 from myself or her dad or her grandparents on the days she's not at nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofmytetherfinally · 31/03/2023 09:08

This did really help, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofmytetherfinally · 31/03/2023 09:09

That was for @Tarantallegra by the way. For the other questions, I've got 6 weeks left to go with my pregnancy and nope nursery don't accommodate half days.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocs · 31/03/2023 09:10

Hi OP, I see no issue with you increasing your toddlers days at nursery if you think it will be beneficial for you both.

The only thing I would say, having a son the same age and currently receiving advice from a speech and language therapist, everyone assumes at this age that children understand the words “no” and “don’t” but it actually isn’t always the case. You can teach “no” by using games where things are wrong, for example put an apple on a plate, “is the apple on the plate”.. “yes”… take the apple off the plate and ask again, “is the apple on the plate” ..”no”. When telling her not to do something, like “don’t pull the cats fur”, we shouldn’t assume the “don’t” is understood. Instead of saying “don’t xxx” redirect to what you want her to do. “Stroke the cat gently” works better than “don’t pull the cats fur”. It takes some time to get used to but implementing some different ways of speaking really does help communication with a child this age.

peaches19 · 31/03/2023 09:18

It might also get better once the baby is here. We had some behaviour struggles just before my youngest was born which then went away once the baby arrived - I think it was fear of the unknown.

Goldenbear · 31/03/2023 09:19

You shouldn't put the 2 year old on the naughty step, completely inappropriate. All the behaviour is typical for that age, they are literally a baby still, a person who has existed on this planet for 2 years, lower your expectations. It is wearing but you need to encourage kindness, demonstrate stroking the cat in a gentle way, smiling and that the cat likes that, demonstrate the cat is sad when it's fur is pulled. It is about making good behaviour a habit.

Choppies · 31/03/2023 09:26

I’m keeping my 18 month olds nursery routine of 4 days - just started Mat leave for number 2 a week ago - I figure in 6 months I’ll have to go back to work (maybe 3 days) so best to keep the place and keep her routine then I can give her all my love and attention when she’s at home (and DH is mostly around to help divide and conquer) - I find the newborn stage really hard and she loves nursery anyway! Tbh I figure she will have more fun there than watching me breastfeed - I get a nap - baby gets one-on-one time - house isn’t a total mess = everyone is happy (even if it will mean I’m skint hahaha!)

if you don’t have lots of family around then paid childcare is a must IMO