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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gone on holiday without husband??

27 replies

Pip85pa · 31/03/2023 07:52

Basically that. DH had too much to drink and started an argument, got verbally abusive so I finished packing the kids stuff and we headed to our caravan hill without him. Cost me an extra £100 as we left a day early and had a night in a hotel enroute. Anyway, we’re due to go home today and I’ve been texting DH the last few days to try to sort it out but he thinks I was unreasonable to have left him behind- I should’ve waited for him to sober up and we could’ve all left together. But at the time I just wanted to leave with the kids rather than have them see him drink and swearing at me! He’s been apologetic on the texts but I’m still upset at the abuse. He says he won’t drink again but he’s been stressed and tired and I shouldn’t take it personally when he lashed out. He said he’s not eaten all week and he’s had a lot of time to think about stuff including the realisation he needs to make more time for himself. I’m emotionally exhausted, it’s been a difficult week trying to deal with that in the background and be happy mum for the kids on holiday.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 07:53

I hope the house is tidy when you get back.

Motnight · 31/03/2023 07:55

He has come to the realisation that he needs more time for himself 🤣 He is a prince amongst men!

Clusterfunk · 31/03/2023 07:58

So he’s not eaten all week (said to make you feel guilty about not being there to cook for the poor helpless poppet) and his conclusion is not either to stop drinking if it makes him abusive, or stop being a dickhead and swearing at you, but to be kinder to himself and make more time for himself? It’s also your fault for taking it personally when he lashed out? Christ. He can’t see past himself at all can he?

I think you both need to sit down calmly and with him sober to discuss this. He should see this as a wake up call that if his behaviour continues next time you leave you might not come back. Sorry OP. I hope you managed to find some enjoyment in your time away.

RonObvious · 31/03/2023 07:58

Good for you - seriously. It’s not a good sign that he is effectively blaming you for this - for taking him shouting and swearing “personally”. He is 100% in the wrong here, and unless he accepts that, I’m not sure how you can get past this.

LoveWillGetYouThere · 31/03/2023 08:00

Motnight · 31/03/2023 07:55

He has come to the realisation that he needs more time for himself 🤣 He is a prince amongst men!

You literally gave him this.
He's in the wrong.

OrigamiOwls · 31/03/2023 08:28

What if you also come the realisation that you need more time for yourself?!

He's been abusive, which he thinks you should ignore and had now decided that he needs to check further out of family life? This does not sound like a winner here.

teacakie · 31/03/2023 08:30

The only probably here is that you are trying to sort it out. He has been abusive to you, that's generally the cue to end things.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2023 08:31

He needs more time for himself, while complaining that you’ve given him a week to himself. I’d don’t blame you packing up and taking the kids - I might be looking at making that a more permanent arrangement if he can’t see his self centred behaviour for what it is.

WordtoYoMumma · 31/03/2023 08:34

So he was supposed to come on a week's holiday with you, you left a day early and he didn't bother to come and join you for the holiday at all? Just stayed at home sulking and then told you he hasn't eaten all week to make you feel guilty?

AmandaHoldensLips · 31/03/2023 08:34

So he's clearly unable to admit fault or take responsibility for his reprehensible actions.

I would stop doing anything for him - cooking, laundry, etc., and let him wallow in it until he realises what a dick he's been.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2023 08:35

He needs more time for himself 🙄🤣
He’s just had a week!

user1492757084 · 31/03/2023 08:37

Be pleasant.
Say that you all enjoyed the holiday.
Be resolute in your decision to have gone before him.
You don't need to be blamed for leaving a drunkard at home.
Ask why husband didn't sober up and get himself down there to join you?
Say you missed him - the non drunk him - and that he needs to sober up, man up and think about the type of person he brings home to the family - in the form of himself.
DH has total contol of himself. If he needs more 'me time' he should plan that but not at the expense of being an involved family contributor. Every one needs 'me time'.

GCAcademic · 31/03/2023 08:39

I would extend my holiday so that he can have more of the time to himself that he craves. But I’m petty like that. The more sensible way forward would be to seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it.

mdh2020 · 31/03/2023 08:43

I would have left him as you did. On occasion I have been unable to wake DH because he has been drinking and have just gone to social events without him. However, you seem to have DC and because of them you need to be thinking about the long term situation.

AluckyEllie · 31/03/2023 08:43

He’s had a week to himself eating takeaways and doing whatever he wants. Now he’s playing on the guilt just in case you realise how good life is without him.

Xrays · 31/03/2023 08:51

He sounds as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

Is this the first time he’s got this drunk? Or is this a recurring thing?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 31/03/2023 08:56

He can have a week of being a bloody df when you get home. You my mn friend need to take somen time for YOUR self... Maybe Google SHL?

knittingaddict · 31/03/2023 08:59

Why on earth didn't he join you on holiday when he sobered up? He knows where you are.

TheCentreSlide · 31/03/2023 09:03

You need to come back strong with :”and so do I. Time to ourselves needs to be matched hour for hour.”

Prick.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/03/2023 09:06

Good move! You were right to go. Just pick one sentence ..l am not staying around when you are drunk and abusive. That's it nothing else.
Might be the best thing ever happened to him.

Trixiefirecracker · 31/03/2023 09:08

Why has he not eaten all week? Because he’s remorseful and lost his appetite or because he’s a useless fecker who wants to guilt trip you?

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 09:12

Is this usual behaviour from him?

If so, I would tell him that he can look forward to a lot more time to himself in the not to distant future, because you have no desire to raise your children around an angry, abusive drunk.

SBHon · 31/03/2023 09:18

he’s had a lot of time to think about stuff including the realisation he needs to make more time for himself.
This reminds me of that part in Look Who’s Talking where Albert says he can’t be a father because he’s going through a selfish phase.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 31/03/2023 09:26

Why hasn't he eaten, because you've not been there to look after him? Poor baby.

I hate it when some men do that, " I haven't eaten all day" I.e. you haven't been my mum and looked after me.

If he gets drunk and verbally abuses you, the realisation should be not to do that, not that he needs more time alone. I hope you had a nice break away, although it's never really a break-break with kids, I'm sorry you had to do that alone.

Sorry he sounds like a prick, i hope there are some, any redeeming features, YANBU.

billy1966 · 31/03/2023 10:11

OP,

Well done for trying to protect your children.

Of course they must be confused by their father abusing their mother.

He sounds like a selfish waster.

Please ring Women's aid for support and advice.

You need support.

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