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Original poster

To not apologize to my brother

24 replies

LaBellina · 31/03/2023 06:53

My younger brother and I never got along well. He has had a pretty difficult childhood because of my agressive father and has been verbally and fysically agressive towards me on multiple occasions in the past. Years ago I went to visit my uncle in a country in Latin America from where a lot of drugs is coming into Europe. My uncle is not involved in this business at all, he has a local business in tourism. My brother had been there shortly before my visit and suddenly texted me to tell me that he had left his jacket there and some other clothing and he basically demanded I take it back home with me for him. My mother told me years before that, that my brother used (hard)drugs sometimes, he’s never been an addict afaik but she found some in his pockets when she did his laundry. Because of this I immediately felt uncomfortable about his request and told him I’ll probably have no space in my suitcase to bring back his things. He was then becoming increasingly rude and pressuring me until I pretended to give in, thinking to myself I would pretend to have forgotten it at my uncles house and just leave it there. The first time I saw him after I came back without his stuff, he was incredibly rude and picked a fight with me. This has been ages ago and we have hardly spoken ever since. I’m wondering these days if I have been too paranoid towards him that time he asked me for a favor, should I apologize after all this time about this or did I make the right decision at that time? I grew up in a very dysfunctional household and I have a lot of issues with poor boundaries. That time I asserted them because I genuinely felt uncomfortable.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 31/03/2023 07:00

You’re not obliged to do anything your brother demands of you. Why didn’t he ask your uncle to put everything in a box and simply send it?

Sounds suspicious to me and you were absolutely right to take care of your own interests and not risk anything for your unpleasant druggy brother.

Him not speaking to you sounds like a bonus.

Villssev · 31/03/2023 07:01

Way too much navel gazing about someone not in your life and with whom you do not nor ever have got on well with.

Tryphenia · 31/03/2023 07:03

Surely you could have checked the clothing for concealed drugs if that was your concern? It seems a leap to go from your mother once finding drugs in your brother’s pocket in a different country to jumping to the conclusion that he’s using you as a mule because he left some clothes at your uncle’s?

If you didn’t want to lug his clothes around because you don’t get on, that’s entirely your choice, obviously.

Original poster
LaBellina · 31/03/2023 07:04

ChaToilLeam · 31/03/2023 07:00

You’re not obliged to do anything your brother demands of you. Why didn’t he ask your uncle to put everything in a box and simply send it?

Sounds suspicious to me and you were absolutely right to take care of your own interests and not risk anything for your unpleasant druggy brother.

Him not speaking to you sounds like a bonus.

Yes, I remember telling him to ask my uncle to just send it to him by post but he responded to that in a very hostile manner. Like it was my duty to bring back his stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBellina · 31/03/2023 07:08

Villssev · 31/03/2023 07:01

Way too much navel gazing about someone not in your life and with whom you do not nor ever have got on well with.

You’re probably right about that but it feels lonely sometimes to not have that feeling of family and friendship that many others have with their siblings.

OP posts:
NameChange60000 · 31/03/2023 07:18

I mean if it was innocent and he just wanted his jacket bringing back he probably couldn't get his head around your reaction. And if he thought you suspecting drug smuggling and he was innocent then I also understand him fuming. Why did you not just check the jacket?

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 07:41

Some of the comments so far are mind-blowing insensitive...

First of all OP I don't care whether your brother is right or wrong, his behaviour (being aggressive, angry and rude) is completely inappropriate and would be enough of a reason for me not to want to deal with someone.

All that your brother has to do was ask for the stuff he forgot to be put in a box and send back to him and he just had to send your uncle a bit of cash.

I would distance myself from him if he has internalised your father's behaviour and is also displaying irrational anger and aggression.

As for the people commenting here: raise your standards.

The OP had no reason to do something she was uncomfortable with for someone who was being pushy and aggressive.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 31/03/2023 07:49

You are not his personal assistant. He should take responsibility for his own possessions.

canfor · 31/03/2023 07:56

You did the right thing. Sounds like there is no history of him doing you favours and being a caring brother. You were uncomfortable doing something that could be easily resolved another way for him, it's not that bit a deal. You have to chalk this up to not being able to pick your family. Despite that he is your brother it doesn't sound like you can build a good brother/sister relationship and there's no law that says you have to. Put your energy into positive relationships with others , be polite but firm when you have contact and don't otherwise give this headspace.

thegrain · 31/03/2023 07:57

His extreme reaction suggests to me that your gut instinct was right

Tryphenia · 31/03/2023 08:01

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 07:41

Some of the comments so far are mind-blowing insensitive...

First of all OP I don't care whether your brother is right or wrong, his behaviour (being aggressive, angry and rude) is completely inappropriate and would be enough of a reason for me not to want to deal with someone.

All that your brother has to do was ask for the stuff he forgot to be put in a box and send back to him and he just had to send your uncle a bit of cash.

I would distance myself from him if he has internalised your father's behaviour and is also displaying irrational anger and aggression.

As for the people commenting here: raise your standards.

The OP had no reason to do something she was uncomfortable with for someone who was being pushy and aggressive.

I certainly wasn’t suggesting she should be her unpleasant brother’s PA, or that she is under the smallest obligation to carry his things about the world, only that she doesn’t need a frankly far-fetched theory about him using her as a drugs mule to justify her refusal.

Villssev · 31/03/2023 08:10

LaBellina · 31/03/2023 07:08

You’re probably right about that but it feels lonely sometimes to not have that feeling of family and friendship that many others have with their siblings.

Show quote history

You haven’t been on mumsnet long though

because sibling rivalries and tension abound

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 08:12

@Tryphenia

''she doesn’t need a frankly far-fetched theory about him using her as a drugs mule to justify her refusal.''

Really?

  • the brother has a history of hard drug use, even if it I occasional that is a concern
  • has a habit of living drugs in his clothes (as per the example of the OP's mother finding stuff in his clothes while doing the laundry)
  • this was a country linked to drug trafficking to Europe so it is very likely that searches at airports will be much more stringent and the OP would be in deep trouble if she brought that stuff back and had missed something while searching her brother's clothes (she hardly could take every stitch apart...)
  • the security advice at any airport is always not to carry anything you haven't packed yourself/not to take with you something that was just randomly given to you
  • the brother massively over-reacted when told she could not carry that stuff back for him.

Yep. Truly far-fetched.

I would have done the same as the OP. Better safe than sorry in this case.

Original poster
LaBellina · 31/03/2023 08:25

Greenfairydust · 31/03/2023 08:12

@Tryphenia

''she doesn’t need a frankly far-fetched theory about him using her as a drugs mule to justify her refusal.''

Really?

  • the brother has a history of hard drug use, even if it I occasional that is a concern
  • has a habit of living drugs in his clothes (as per the example of the OP's mother finding stuff in his clothes while doing the laundry)
  • this was a country linked to drug trafficking to Europe so it is very likely that searches at airports will be much more stringent and the OP would be in deep trouble if she brought that stuff back and had missed something while searching her brother's clothes (she hardly could take every stitch apart...)
  • the security advice at any airport is always not to carry anything you haven't packed yourself/not to take with you something that was just randomly given to you
  • the brother massively over-reacted when told she could not carry that stuff back for him.

Yep. Truly far-fetched.

I would have done the same as the OP. Better safe than sorry in this case.

This sums up pretty well my concerns. Thank you.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 31/03/2023 08:45

You did the right thing. He doesn't sound like someone you can trust or who cares about you or takes responsibility for himself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2023 08:47

But why didn't you just look in the pockets?

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 08:55

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2023 08:47

But why didn't you just look in the pockets?

What about the possibility of a sniffer dog picking up traces of drugs or something being sewn into the lining?

GeneralMelch · 31/03/2023 08:55

Could have stitched something in the seam or had traces on the clothes if using while out there that could be picked up at airport. Why should OP do him any favours? He'll learn not to be as careless in future.

LakeTiticaca · 31/03/2023 08:57

You did the right thing OP. The warnings are clear, never carry any thing aboard a flight for someone else. Could be drugs stitched into the linings of clothing etc.

You owe your brother nothing.

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 08:58

Worst case scenario if OP didn’t bring her brothers stuff back - it had to be posted
Worst case scenario if she did and there were drugs in it - her life is ruined.
Not worth the risk and to be honest anyone throwing a tantrum because their sister had the audacity to say no to him can fuck right off anyway.

Newestname002 · 31/03/2023 10:33

LakeTiticaca · 31/03/2023 08:57

You did the right thing OP. The warnings are clear, never carry any thing aboard a flight for someone else. Could be drugs stitched into the linings of clothing etc.

You owe your brother nothing.

I wonder how many people underestimate or just don't know how much trouble they could be in if caught at international borders with anything prohibited. It's no good saying things in your own suitcase aren't yours - they're your responsibility and you'll be treated accordingly. I don't blame the OP for playing safe and keeping well clear. 🌹

Dotjones · 31/03/2023 10:54

Never try to take something through customs on the request of someone else unless you know it's impossible they have put something illegal in it. I mean if I'd bought a bottle of spirits in a supermarket and was bringing it back for someone that's fine, it's been in my custody since I bought it, but no way would I bring personal belongings back.

Villssev · 31/03/2023 12:31

Who gives a fig about the airport incident

very early on in op - it states that this man physically and verbally abused her

enough said

furryfrontbottom · 01/04/2023 18:45

I wonder where the jacket is now. What's the betting there are blood diamonds sewn into the lining?

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