Part time Open uni or focus on my children?

[JustSoSadForHim]

I'm 36, live with my partner, we have two kids, a 6 year old and a newborn. I'm currently on mat leave, but due back in the summer. When I go back I will work my normal 33 hours a week. I do pretty much most of the childcare, chores, cooking everything. OH does the school drop offs and works 4 days night shifts. Hes not particularly helpful and I feel like a single mum most days. I know we're not compatible but separation is just not possible.

I have wanted to do a degree for years, I applied when I was 19 but dropped out. This has been one of my biggest regrets. For the past few years it's been playing really heavy on my mind. I feel like I need to do it to prove I'm not stupid. This year I've been really sure about it and have started enquiring about it and researching it.

I've mentioned to OH that I'd like to do an open uni course, he initially seemed ok about it. However the more I talk to him about the logistics of it , he doesnt really want to listen. He says if I want to do it then I need to put my head down and my priorities need to be the kids, home and the uni course for the next 6 years, nothing else. No friends, extended family or holidays. I tried to explain that I need him to support me, and not just dictate random stuff. We rarely go out as a family, only went on one holiday in the past 4 years, I rarely go and see friends, family once a month if that. How can I go without these for the next 6 years, it's ridiculous. When I asked he says well clearly you're not willing to make sacrifices. I said I'm not willing to sacrifice my children wellbeing and childhood, if you're going to put those term and conditions on me doing the course.

I will barely have enough time to cover work, chores and childcare, then I'll only have a few hours for study.

Any advice will be appreciated.
Thank you

He sounds controlling. Are you asking him to step up more at home so you can manage the studying and he’s trying to put you off by setting these “conditions” ?

That said, it does seem a lot to take on. 33 hours work plus study plus small kids (one very small) plus an unhelpful partner is not something I’d be able to manage personally.

But he sounds like a dick - sorry.

OP, I completely get how you feel. I've been there. Dropped out of uni at 19 and massively regretted it, I felt like I needed to do a degree to prove to myself I could do it.

I studied an open uni degree while working full time (but no kids) and it was hard. I definitely couldn't have done it without my husband's support with the housework. I set myself a condition that I worked my ass off (studying and work) every weekday (pretty much zero free time) and then I barely did any studying at a weekend so I still had a life. I couldn't do it now I have a toddler as I think I'd burn out, I need that mindless time after toddler is in bed and couldn't possibly study.

However, the great thing with the open uni is it's flexible. So you could try an access module and see how you get on before committing fully, only you know how you'd feel and know if you'd be likely to burn out. My SIL did an open uni degree at the same time as me with young (under 12) kids and full time work and managed fine.

Alternatively if you're doing it for career prospects are there other professional qualifications you could do that might be less demanding on time? Since I finished my degree (science degree), I have also done a financial services qualification for my actual career which took about a year part time study.

What are your OHs reservations? Is it that he's worried about you taking a lot on or he doesn't want to support you to even try it? If it's the latter, he doesn't sound particularly pleasant.

I’m finishing an OU degree this year, and it is a LOT of work, I work PT and not sure I could’ve done it otherwise. However with regard to holidays, there’s usually a scheduled week off for Xmas and Easter, and the year typically runs from October to June, so you do get around 3 months off per year.

I finished my 6 year OU degree in 2019 and it was hard. I didn't get a whole heap of support and worked 20 hours for most of it and really struggled with friends and holidays etc as you have assignments every few weeks. It's quite a relentless schedule. I started mine when dd was 3 and it was incredible, I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but it was so hard.

I ended up fitting 2 hours of study in every morning 5-7am, then it was done and out of the way. Worked well.

I did a brick uni full time course and worked part time as a single mum to 3.

It's more than doable. And absolutely no need to never see friends or go on holiday, that's really weird.

Seriously, ditch your OH. Do your degree & live your life. He sounds awful & controlling.

I think you’ll struggle to do an OU degree with a newborn and an unsupportive husband.

But that’s not really your biggest issue, is it?

You can do the OU degree in a few years once the kids are in school and you’ve LTB.

This!

I’m in my final year with the OU. Quite a few of the students work full time and have children and unsupportive husbands. Yes it’s hard-going at times, but there’s also a lot of support available both from the OU and other students. For example, you can get extensions for assignments and extra tutor support. You can also defer and carry the study over to the next year.

I would suggest having a chat with an advisor at the OU. Tell them about your concerns. I’ve had all manner of awfulness happen to me in the six years I’ve been studying and they’ve been hugely supportive of me. To be honest it’s been an absolute rock in my life and in some ways I’ll be sad to graduate.

Level 1 modules (your first two years) aren’t particularly intense. They also don’t count towards your degree classification, so as long as you pass them it doesn’t matter what scores you get. By the time you reach level 2 your children will be older which would hopefully free up some more time.

Assuming you’re eligible for a student loan (which I believe you should be since you don’t already have a degree?) then there’s nothing much to lose. If you find you can’t cope then you get refunded on a sliding scale depending on how far into the module you are. If you do decide to enrol I would recommend joining the module’s WhatsApp group where you’ll get support from other students no doubt in not dissimilar situations.

I also needed to prove I wasn’t stupid, and it looks like I’m going to graduate with a first. Can’t imagine having not gone through with it all, despite how challenging it’s been at times.

PS your partner sounds like an arse. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s your life and this isn’t a dress rehearsal. Your deserve to pursue your own interests and passions. Don’t end up 10 years from now thinking about what could have been.

I've met lots of people like you in my work, teaching FE, who have this need and desire to study. Its common for partners to be threatened by it. (Especially males, worried its going to distract from domestic stuff) Its fear and jealousy and sign of unhealthy relationship. If it's a good relationship, your DP supports career/ study aspirations. I know lots of women who've successfully studied with small DCs. But, it does require other people to step up/ in.
Look into local colleges, if can get to them, they probably do degrees too. But OU is well rated. You sound highly motivated, but worry about your DPs attitude.

PPS you have a total of 16 years to complete the degree. You can defer and put it on hold for several years if you need to.

I did mine part time long distance with a newborn. 2 other DC and a H that worked overseas. I didn’t have the job to shoe horn in, nor did i have access to loans. I’ve just finished 6yrs later (2yrs longer than the course as I took the summers off with the kids and time off to recover from an accident). It was hard going but I got there and I think if I’d given up or not started I’d be here 6yrs later with nothing. I took a few holidays in that time. Sandwiched between modules or if I had a 2 week assignment and was on holiday for a week ensured I did the work in one week, I could do reading while away.

do you have some family nearby who could help out if you have a deadline and need to get work done? I did it without help, but again didn’t have to juggle a job on top.

Ps mine was through Uni of Essex and I had to complete in 9 years

I left my similar sounding dick head husband. He said the same - that he already did plenty I.e fuck all so wouldn’t be doing any more when I did the degree (full time) or got a job.

I waited until my youngest went to school and then left him and did the degree!
Don’t do ou - you don’t get any student loans for living costs. If you pick the right uni the money is v generous and they’re v supportive. I absolutely did the best thing.

He's worried about losing his house elf OP. Dropping any and all tasks that benefit him would be a good start to lightening the load.

I started an OU degree when dc1 was 8 months old. Studied through pregnancy with dc2 and then with her as a newborn. Im currently doing another one also through the OU because I like studying. I do virtually all my course work whilst the kids are in bed. We're off on holiday on Sunday and I'll just be taking my books with me.

He sounds like an arse to be honest and most definitely controlling. If your paths rarely cross due to work patterns, do it anyway?

Hi OP

I did an undergraduate degree with two kids, I started it when youngest was 14 months.

it was related to my job so I worked full time and went to uni one day/week then all study/assignments had to be completed evenings and weekends. We were also renovating our house at the same time. I took a week of leave to write my dissertation

it was tough but I managed (as did others on my course with kids) I personally preferred an accelerated course (mine was condensed into 15 months) as it meant that I got through it quicker. I looked at OU but the time commitment of six years was too much - I don’t enjoy studying so wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible

Just wanted to add, as my last post sounded more negative than intended - I was like you and couldn't get the idea out of my head. It was the best thing I ever did and picked me right up out of the slump I was in. The support from the OU and students was excellent, everything that was expected is clear, and yes as other have said, year one is gentle and nice to get used to study.

Going against the grain, I’d see how you feel once you’re back to work. If it’s an area you particularly want to study or if it might help with your career it could be worth it but if it’s to get a degree for its own sake personally I’d rather spend the time and money with my kids. I’ve done study outside of work and it can quickly become another chore if not for the right reasons.

I started a part-time OU degree when I was at home with the kids and it was great, I loved it - but since going back to work I wasn't able to continue. It was too stressful and time-consuming on top of work and family commitments.

I do think it's possible and lots of people do manage it - how are you with deadlines and keeping to a schedule? But you will need real support from your husband and it sounds like he's being a bit of a dick.

He says if I want to do it then I need to put my head down and my priorities need to be the kids, home and the uni course for the next 6 years, nothing else. No friends, extended family or holidays. I tried to explain that I need him to support me, and not just dictate random stuff.

Is this him dictating random stuff or being realistic about what doing the uni course will involve? The OU suggest you need to spend 16 hours studying to complete a degree in 6 years. You have an (almost) full time job, a baby and a young child. Firstly, assuming you want to prioritise time with your family, you won't have a great deal of time for anything else. Secondly, DH will have to pick up a lot of slack to enable you to carve out those 16 hours of study time. He'll have to sacrifice his own leisure activities to do this - seems reasonable that he'd expect you to do the same as well.

I know a few women (to make this not an anti-man thread) who've supported partners through their OU degrees when they had young children. They have universally said how hard it is and how much pressure it puts on the whole family. If you do want to do this (and I absolutely think you should) you need to be committed to it, put your head down and focus on it to get the best result you can.

OP, it is doable, absolutely, but as everyone says, hard work, and takes commitment

I started studying with the ou when I was on mat leave with my first, it took me 7 years in total, with another dc along the way. I also worked throughout except when I was on mat leave. Still managed nights out, seeing friends and holidays!

I would sign up for your first year and use it to get organised, see what works for you, get your home / work / study routine going. So you're all set for the following years when the work gets harder and expectations increase.

And your DH is a prick. But I think you know that. Maybe work on getting him to do his fair share before you start. That would certainly make a difference.

And good luck. After completing my ou degree I went on to further study at a brick uni, wouldn't be doing what I am now without it.