No regular 1 on 1 with manager

[Twatalert]

Hi,

I have a situation at work which keeps frustrating me. I feel my manager and I are completely disconnected as there are no regular check-ins, or any check in at all. I suspect he is the same with his other direct reports. He was a very gentle and non confrontational person, and I really think he avoids regular check ins, perhaps because he is uncomfortable or/and does not want to deal with whatever issues his employees flag up.

I messaged him for a quick chat today to make him aware of a decision I was going to make which, he was available, so we talked. A few seconds in he had another incoming call, so hung up on me to take this call and call back later. This has happened a few times in the past. It left me feeling unimportant and not worthy of his time in that moment as he almost never initiates to talk anyway. I know obviously important calls can come in and need to be taken in that moment, but I don't believe they are always super urgent or from his bosses or whatever. I don't know why he does this.

There was a time with bi-weekly check-ins, but he hated it and they stopped. Monthly would be enough for me, just to keep him up to date, but I know he won't take it seriously, join late, cancel or take another incoming call. This has all happened during this short period of bi-weekly check ins for no more than six months.

I have been so stressed for months and there will be a few more stressful weeks. It's the kind of stress level where I have to really look after myself or I will soon stop functioning. I have voiced this to him again and again, just so he is aware and can take it into account with his planning. He says things like 'let's talk Monday about xyz' but this then never materialises. He'd then keep asking me to do additional things, such as training his new direct report, and I panic because I literally don't know how to fit it in and wonder why he's not taking the lead on this himself. He probably perceives me as aggressive, but I am stressed and frustrated that with him nothing sticks. I feel like whatever I share with him or whatever I do - it does not matter, more work will soon come my way and he does not take a moment to think for himself how something could be done, in which timeline etc. It's like he just had this thought, voiced it and hasn't actually thought it through.

I feel he does not see the big picture, does not plan, only lives in the moment for the current day and just avoids conversations. Without all this, how he is going to manage his team, negotiate realistic deadlines with his bosses, put in place proper resources etc.? It is one of the main reasons this team is so overworked.

I think I know the answer to this. I won't be able to change him. Perhaps I just want to vent. I am frustrated and just don't know how to navigate him. I call to flag up a decision I am about to make, and the call ends with another task on my plate which is totally unrelated. Just because it sprung to his mind in that moment.

😞 oh dear, he is an awful line manager. You’re not getting the minimum of support in a stressful role.

Time to look elsewhere? You are worth it.

It's really grating on me as I am having to be very organised to get everything done and he is just a mess. I have pushed back a lot in the past and still do, but that is not the solution either as I have my guard up all the time and it is exhausting.

You need to be honest with your manager that you would prefer more regular catch ups.

Im the opposite. I have a weekly 121 with my manager that I hate and find totally unnecessary. Id rather be left to it. Different strokes for different folks!

So many 'managers' have no idea how to manage and don't see the importance of it. It's part of his role that he's not fulfilling. Do you have any contact with his manager? Do you provide feedback for his appraisal?

I'm in a similar position and hate it, but there's no one above my manager as they are one of the owners.

Thanks. I might suggest it to him when I feel calm.

I don't mind how he checks in with me but he doesn't in any way and I feel there needs to be something fix in order for any communication to happen.

The lack thereof has really affected me. It meant decisions were made that affected my role and workload without proper planning or involvement of me because he as the middle manager didn't step up.

@Doyoumind yes there is someone above and I did go there before for very important things concerning myself, but I navigated it carefully as I don't want to go above his head for day to day stuff.

There is a survey once a year to evaluate management, yes, but it wouldn't affect his appraisal. They are a joke anyway and I don't take mine seriously at all, let alone anyone else's. I know they are just a formality. Any salary and promotion decisions are made before any appraisal is finalised. It's been standard in every company I have been in.

I've started to believe over time that some managers, like friends, use scatty as a cover.
Being too important and too busy is just useful for not having to listen isn't it?

I manage three people. I meet one weekly as she is new and inexperienced so needs more support, one monthly and one (who is doing discrete work and very experienced) I meet for a couple of hours every 6 weeks. For all of them Im available on the phone as and when (usually a few times a week) for any quick questions/decisions they have. If I needed to end a call with them, I’d call them back the same day.

I can’t imagine just avoiding someone I was managing. I can’t see how he is able to do his job either. Does he not need to know what the work you are doing is going?

Sure he needs to know how it's going for me, especially as my department is expanding. I am so frustrated I don't even have words anymore. I don't even think he's aware of how he's coming across. Just totally avoidant. He has no plan, no initiative to lead anything, it's all just ad hoc stuff. I don't mind getting on with my work on my own, I actually prefer it, but workload has risen and there are lots of pressure points he needs to know about and take into account but he couldn't care less.

We also have a few new starters which should be trained by him and his direct reports. There is never any plan as to when what is going to happen and by whom. So, if he knows I have a lot on already he would not take the initiative and lead the training of his own direct reports. He wouldn't sit down with me and want to know how it's going, what his plans are, what mine are, how we could do that sort of stuff. It's just being brought up in a totally unrelated conversation, it's then clear he expects xyz from me, which hits me like a bus because I'm stressed and wasn't prepared. Tell me this isn't normal please!

I know the feeling, OP. We're a team of 12 with a line manager who sits behind two locked doors, so you can only gain access via the PA. She maintains, however, that her door is always open. She's the type who has favourites, and the kind of "popular girl" in the playground that you eventually learn you really don't want to be friends with because they only want to be your friend whilst you have something to give to them. She's quite the sycophant with those above her in the organisation.

No proper appraisals. No presence in the office. She flips from not getting involved at all to micro-managing when your work is important to her, and she won't think twice to ask you to do something again, from scratch, because it's not been done how she likes, even though you've done a perfectly respectable job that is 95% there.

Fortunately, my 11 colleagues are fab. A lot of us are close to retirement so we just grin and bear it - but we're happy with and supportive of each other. Our line manager is also close to retirement age, but she doesn't even tell us when she's going on holiday, so is unlikely to mention when she might be retiring! We're hoping it might be soon, but are mindful of "better the devil you know".

So, OP, just know that you're not on your own.

This is an older thread but just wanted to add I know how you feel OP - did you get anywhere with your line manager? I have similar frustrations with mine - lack of involvement or care. He isn't a toxic person ie no bullying or belittling, but it still makes it hard to work there as he wants to be 100% hands off. He also has a habit of raising things that directly affect me ie telling me things will happen, during a team meeting environment (where it doesn't affect anyone else on the call) or telling one of my direct reports before me, which is extremely annoying.

I recently started meeting a business mentor and she advised me to be really forthcoming with putting the 1 to 1s in his diary - obviously in an ideal world we would not need to do this but sometimes you need to manage your manager and force the issue.

Good lord.

I have a monthly F2F supervision with my line manager and a weekly catch-up on the phone. We also have a team catch-up on Zoom weekly, and a monthly team meeting F2F.

It's mandatory in the organisation, and I think it's probably excessive for people who work together in the office all week, but we work remotely and some work out in the community, so we have to make an effort to keep in touch.

I feel it's a bit excessive for me, as I only work 17 hours and there's not so much to discuss as there would be if I was f/t, plus it's a big chunk out of my time. I half-jokingly suggested that I should have supervisions and catch-ups half as often as my f/t colleagues.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd ask, very clearly, for regular meetings and if it still didn't happen, I'd want to take it up with the next manager in line (which is another thing we have - an annual meeting with our manager's manager!).

Your manager needs to hear about your stress levels, OP. There's a duty of care involved for the employer, and the manager should be aware and take steps to mitigate the pressure.

@Twatalert it could be because he trusts you and thinks you don't need constant feeding and watering.

I would suggest writing a weekly report email with the following topics:-

1. Things that went well
2. Things that went less well
3. Items for awareness
4. Items for escalation (I.e. you need his input)

This way you are communicating and although it is sub-optimal, you can safely assume that if you hear nothing back, all is on course. You can use these in performance reviews too as a record of successes, and defence against anything that he ahd an opinion on that he didn't share as this is also your audit trail.

Hi,

It's still pretty much the same. I know he trusts me, but the company is growing fast, there are major projects being pushed onto us, he's in the middle and I am somehow too. I don't need his reassurance that I'm doing ok I need him to manage expectations of his bosses together with me. And if he's not interested in me things will go tits up as he's not communicating the appropriate things up the chain (or even down the chain).

I feel you. I had one 1 to 1 with my line manager the week I started and haven't had one since. No appraisal this year either. Never a single discussion of professional development. I still meet every other week with my old line manager (who is completely unconnected to my current role - same very large organisation but different departments and not even same site). That's the only support I get in my role. I'm drowning as a result and about to take myself out on sick leave with burnout and other issues, so this is not the only problem going on in my role, but it's a big one. You have my empathy.

He recently scheduled a 1:1 out of the blue, but was 20 minutes late and once he turned up he couldn't get over with it fast enough. It's totally normal for him to be late to that and I feel shit every time.