To think parenting has really affected my mental health?

[Abitfrantic]

I am struggling and overwhelmed at the moment, feel like I’ve completely lost any sense of control and routine I might have had.

I hate parenting, not children personally but I have to admit I really hate the behaviour I have aimed at me and it does seem almost exclusively to be me every day, I am hit and screamed at and it does make me feel angry but I have to repress it.

I dread the days.

I don’t really know wtf is wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with you. Parenting just is hard, especially if you are someone who likes quiet and order or dislikes noise and mess.

It does sound like you are taking the behaviour really personally though. Seeing it as aimed at you rather than just a child’s behaviour.

is your child young or do you have an older child hitting you?

Sorry you’re feeling like this. How old are your children?

Parenting is inherently triggering - it will bring up all your skeletons. The Awakened Family by Dr Shefali Tsbary is a good book on understanding that.

Why do you have to repress your anger? There could be some skills you could learn to make sure you’re recognising and feeling your feelings because there’s no need to repress them. Counselling/therapy can help with that.

You’re allowed to express anger to your children - it doesn’t have to be rageful or hurtful to them, but it’s important to teach them by example how to communicate anger. What’s your relationship like to anger? Are you afraid of feeling/expressing it? Do you know how to express it in a constructive way?

I doubt there’s anything wrong with you! Maybe you just haven’t had the nurturing you needed to be able to cope with how you’re feeling. Many people haven’t - you’re not alone in that.

Very young child yeah, only a toddler … And I am pregnant.

I just really hate my life at the moment, and the at the moment is key as in many ways I’m grateful but it’s just so miserable and relentless. Every day is just so miserable and filled with battles.

Small children are incredibly hard work, you have my sympathies. I struggled with the noise and lack of down time when mine were small, the good thing is it does get less intense as they get older. Your feelings are very understandable.

Do you get enough time out- if not can your partner/family up their support or can you use nursery to get more of a break.

When I have had periods of difficult behaviour with mine I usually find it helps to try and step outside of the situation and view it objectively. Sometimes there are some simple changes that can help make things more manageable or I just try something completely different with regards to how we do our routine or how I manage their behaviour.

Are there particular tasks or times of the day when it is harder?

Please go and see a doctor and about it. Also get a cleaner.

The major issue I have is that it feels we can’t do anything nice, because once we have to stop there’s a major tantrum and that puts a sour slant on it.

He is obsessed with dad at the moment. I dread it if DH decides to wfh because he spends all day trying to get to DH and screaming when prevented, he also is obsessed with playing in the garden and if I have to bring him in he has the most awful screaming fit. Screams when I take him for his bath, screams when it’s bedtime. I’m done in. I hate my life at the moment, I put on a cheery humouros sort of exterior but I’m sobbing inside.

Thanks but it’s not my housework making me depressed.

Oh that does sound tough!
Sounds very typical toddler behaviour though, so make sure you’re not taking it as a reflection on you.

Have you tried visuals with your child? Like visual timers? Like a sand timer or count down app to use just before something is ending? That helped me when mine were little and hated good things ending. Or even visual time table to show what is happening next.

Have you been feeling down for a while? Does you partner know how you feel?

It’s reassuring you say it’s typical. I’m struggling so much with it, it feels very personal and aimed at me. I have been sleeping very badly and just want to burst into tears so much. It’s horrible doing so much for someone and having them scream and rage at you.

Chat GPT?!

Have you got friends about? I went out every single day , preferably with friends and did things even when I didn't really feel like it. It gave some structure to my day.

My definition of friend at the time was fairly generous, I was happy to hang out with Mum friends as well as actual friends.

Do you have a car? I found having my own car helped a lot. I know that's not always possible 🫤

What about help? Are you able to afford any help? Sorry if this is not possible but if it is then it might be money well spent.

As for your lads behaviour I think lots of two year olds are hard work. It's such a frustrating age where you want to do things but all the adults around you want let you or don't even understand you.

For my kids the biggest thing that made them hard work was lack of sleep. I know that's obvious but they were so much happier when they slept well.

Kids are cute when they are little but they are hard work and
Iife can be a bit boring.

Hopefully some good weather will help a little too

Good luck

Just wanted to jump in to say I feel the exact same. No words of advice because I'm in the thick of it too.
And it's hard not to take it personally when you put every ounce of your energy into trying to make them healthy and happy, regardless of whether it's normal toddler behaviour or not.

Been so much worse since new baby came along too, but I definitely find it's better getting out of the house as toddler is distracted. Playgroups have become my friend since going on maternity leave again

Please understand that all this is totally normal. I hated parenting young children. Every day was its own version of hell. It really does get better and now my DC are 10 and 13 I honestly love it. Hang on in there and know its not you and its not him. Things will improve. Use childcare, relatives and clubs as much as you need to and do things you enjoy as it will help you get some distance and perspective .

@ShirleyPhallus sorry I don’t know what chat GBT means?

I meant to add that you shouldn't automatically rule out proper depression. If you feel depressed then speak to your GP.

These are so reassuring. Thanks. Not sure whether it’s hormonal but I’ve felt very tearful and low these past few days.

Tiredness I think is a big thing. After months of very trouble free bedtimes DS has started being very difficult and I’m struggling to get him in bed much before 8, which is too late really.

We do get out but I’m a bit in two minds whether this helps or not. It does but it also means the day can feel a bit mad and I wonder if that’s not a good thing. I also think DS can be difficult with other children.

DH is good and means well but sometimes misjudged a situation (as do I) for example tries to tickle and grab DS when he’s tantrumming which makes him worse. These past few weeks he’s seemed so angry, I don’t know why.

It's relentless and very unrewarding at that age I remember hating it too.

Mine responded really well to managed transitions and it sounds like they are real flash points for you at the moment.

• so always have the next thing lined up so that toddler is moving towards something positive rather than away. Eg time for a story now rather than time to get out of the bath. Time to go home for a snack / toys / TV show rather than time to leave the park. Bribery is the way you survive this stage!

And also give them a countdown and a now / next to make sure it's not a shock when it's time to leave. So when you arrive you say now we are going to play on the park and next we will go for a snack. Then a 10 minute warning. Then a '2 more plays what would you like to do?' Then 'last play, what shall we do now before we go for our snack'

It will pass but you are right in the thick of it at the moment.

Thanks, I’ll try moving to something positive.

How old is he? And also does he go to nursery/other childcare or are you home full time with him? It may be that you both need a break from each other, my friend is currently in a really similar situation.

He does attend nursery 2 days a week and he is two.

In some ways I feel I probably need to reconnect with him, we normally spend a lot of time together but lately other things have come in the way of the normal routine. But equally that will happen especially with another one on the way!