Do people still ask how are you??

[QueenDaydreaming]

Is it just me or have people stopped asking “how are you?” and meaning it?

Let me tell you how my day goes. DS wakes around 6am. I wake my partner around 6.30 with breakfast, a gentle kiss and good morning, sort out breakfast for pets etc. Partner gets up 7.30, bathroom, grunts goodbyes and goes to work. I can cope with this, he’s not a morning person.

School run, everyone’s friendly, lots of “Morning! You alright?” Standard answer “yes fine” because let’s face it, we’re all in a rush to get done.

My work colleagues (2 people) arrive around 11am, okay I’m their employer, but they’ve been working here for years. We know each other well. I sometimes make coffee for when they arrive, and always say “hi, how are you today?”. I generally get a detailed answer of things that are bad - ill health, family issues etc. which I listen to and try to provide some helpful comment. Never do they ask me in return. The day’s work begins, then school pick up and so on.

Partner comes home, has coffee and cigarette, dozes on sofa, eats tea, has a bath, watches tv in bedroom before getting ready for the evening. We chat about his day on and off through the evening. Obviously if something major has happened during the day I will bring it up, but I don’t think he ever asks how my day has been. We used to work together so he thinks he knows what I’ve done during the day. And then I either work during the evening or fall asleep on the sofa, going to bed around midnight or later. Sometimes he starts serious conversations at that point which annoys me because I’m too tired by then.

I’d like to say this is a new thing, but was in the same position (same partner, different staff) 7 yrs ago before DS was born. I went to counselling for 2 years just to have someone to talk to, but can’t afford to do that now and a bit upset that I’d need to.

If it was just my partner then… but actually it feels like everyone just drops their problems on me so that mine feel so insignificant I don’t say anything to anyone, but they’re not. I just have to deal with them on my own, no one asks.

I think the phrase "how are you?" has always been intended as just a conversational convention, not an invitation to talk at length about how you really are, but if you need to talk about how you really are you should just start that conversation at a different time, when you know the other person is not in a hurry and will be able to listen.

If your DP never listens when you talk about your life, that's something that needs to be addressed. It's up to you whether you would prefer to spell out what you need from him, in the hope that he will change his ways when he knows how much it means to you, or whether you think the relationship has run its course and you'd be better off without him. Personally I'd try the first approach first. But I don't think any of that has anything to do with the use, or non-use, of a specific conventional phrase. He shouldn't have to ask how you are in so many words because most long-term partners who get on well together feel free to discuss those things any time.

I definitely ask my partner how he is, and mean it.

Everyone else I've stopped asking, I typically just say "alright" as a greeting - mostly because I got fed up with the shallow-ness of asking "how are you?" in circumstances where noone ever gave an answer of anything beyond "fine thanks, you?"

With closer work colleagues and friends I'll generally ask something like "how's things / how are you doing" not as an initial greeting but later in the day... it feels like that gives people more of a genuine chance to open up about something if they want to than asking the minute you first see them

@PurpleAirGuitar I get what you’re saying. I was probably too specific! How’s your day been? Did XYZ go well? How was your trip to …? I guess I take the lack of questions to be a lack of interest. I always ask, I find it odd when others don’t.

Everyone's got too much on their plate and little time.
The friend at work could be selfish or thoughtless.
Your partner might be chronically tired but he should make an effort with you.
I only expect close friends and family to ask and genuinely listen everyone else is busy with their own problems and the problems of their own close people.

Sometimes how are you opens the floodgates of tears, talking too much, oversharing, awkward and uncomfortable conversations, bringing the mood down. People don't have enough patience for others and hardly any resilience for their own and nearest and dearest. The tank is nationally empty.

Yes. But I never tell the truth. I always say fine and try and turn the chat back to them.

@PoppyCocky you’re right - maybe I give off the air that I’m about to burst into tears! 😉 which I probably am.

Everyone does have too much on their plate, it’s true. My sister is a saint, doing more than her fair share, I don’t want to add to her problems.

I think I just listen to everyone and try to be upbeat for them. I don’t really have anyone to turn to, or at least join all the dots together. That’s why I used to go to counselling.

@PoppyCocky @PurpleAirGuitar @bingoitsadingo @megletthesecond
thanks for replying. Had got myself into a bit of a state this morning and needed to blurt it all out. Definitely a problem shared is a problem halved. Had a couple of thoughts about how I can make it better, and feeling much happier now. Thank you ❤️