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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dogs dinner

28 replies

SayMumOneMoreTime · 30/03/2023 06:06

I am going away for a few days with my extended family. Between them they have 5 dogs, four of which are encouraged to beg for food at the table.

When my eldest was a baby, just weaning, we were having dinner and the dogs jumped up and licked all his food off the high chair table. Everyone else (apart from DH) thought it was hilarious, but I was horrified. They made me feel like I was overreacting, and since then I have visited the minimum I think is possible without being rude. For context I had PND, so I'm not confident in my reaction!

I don't want the dogs in the room while we are eating, because they will try to steal food from my kids, lick their hands etc. I'm worried about rocking the boat and being the difficult one if I say anything, but the thought of 10 meal times defending my children's food is making me angry and anxious!

The dogs are prioritised in every way possible. Family don't visit my house because they won't leave the dogs with anyone else. The dogs sit on sofas, sleep in beds and have no boundaries.

Aibu to ask my family to keep the dogs out of the room while we are eating? I'm not confident to prioritise my feelings enough to make a fuss.

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 30/03/2023 06:18

Are you going to them or are you all going away together?

If you're going to their house, yes YABU and if it bothers you that much I wouldn't go (it would bother me massively btw so I share your concerns).

If you're going away together then it would be reasonable to say you expect the dogs to be in another room when your kids are eating and don't be afraid to make a fuss.

If they can't respect that and meet you halfway then I wouldn't go.

Original poster
SayMumOneMoreTime · 30/03/2023 06:22

We are going away together, paid for by my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayMumOneMoreTime · 30/03/2023 07:34

Hopeful bump!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 30/03/2023 07:34

That is grim. Having to fend off dogs from your kids food. Yuk! We love our dog, she is 'allowed' on the sofas and we only have holidays with her but she stays on her bed when we are eating. Isn't allowed near our food, plates, etc. From what you say it sounds like they haven’t trained their dogs thoroughly.

It doesn't matter who pays for your holiday OP they should respect your feelings. Ask if the dogs can be shut out at mealtimes. You just have to come onto MN to see that people have different attitudes and ways of living but most reasonable people would go along with your wishes.

Original poster
SayMumOneMoreTime · 30/03/2023 09:20

Thanks, it helps to hear from a dog owner what is acceptable. I know really that I'm not being unreasonable, it's just so difficult to go against the rest of them who obviously think it's fine.

OP posts:
Stugs · 30/03/2023 09:23

I absolutely love my dogs and they eat leftovers but always from their own bowl. I hate dogs that jump up anyway, but I'd be horrified if one of mine jumped up while we were eating. Sitting and staring at me also annoys me if I'm not in the mood so they tend to go in their beds in the hallway when I'm eating.

billyt · 30/03/2023 10:11

I love our dog but he has his place and it's not at the dinner table.

No way would our dog be allowed to jump up or beg at food times. And we do not feed him scraps either.

Our XSIL and XBIL had a dog they never trained, a Golden Retriever. (well, the XBIL did take him to the dog training classes I was going to but they got kicked out as too disobedient/destructive and never bothered again) The dog was a right bastard at mealtimes with the jumping up at the table. It was bad enough when he did lie down as it had to be underneath the table blocking your feet. And he stank.

I refused point blank to ever go there again. There is no fun or enjoyment in that.

emmathedilemma · 30/03/2023 10:17

definitely not unreasonable to ask that the dogs are shut out, particularly while the kids are eating. If the kids catch onto the fact that the dogs are begging or snaffling anything they drop it'll probably become a game for them too!

hididdlyho · 30/03/2023 10:34

As a dog owner I find that gross. YANBU to tell them to keep their dogs away from you and your child when you're eating. If they can't do that dogs need to go in another room.

TenTwentyAtCheltenhamSandwich · 30/03/2023 10:38

I wouldn’t want 5 dogs around my kids at any time, no matter how friendly the owners say they are.

bozzabollix · 30/03/2023 10:41

I have three dogs (hopefully still do, one is in intensive care). Dogs shouldn’t be nicking off dinner plates. Mine wouldn’t do that, but would definitely have a lick of an abandoned plate.

Just be near the kids eating and tell the dogs no if you go near. Dogs tend to listen if you’re clear, it’s my cat that’s the out of control dinner eater.

MarchMadness23 · 30/03/2023 10:46

Mothership4two · 30/03/2023 07:34

That is grim. Having to fend off dogs from your kids food. Yuk! We love our dog, she is 'allowed' on the sofas and we only have holidays with her but she stays on her bed when we are eating. Isn't allowed near our food, plates, etc. From what you say it sounds like they haven’t trained their dogs thoroughly.

It doesn't matter who pays for your holiday OP they should respect your feelings. Ask if the dogs can be shut out at mealtimes. You just have to come onto MN to see that people have different attitudes and ways of living but most reasonable people would go along with your wishes.

Of course it matters who pays. Her parents have paid & invited her, she accepts or declines. She can ask if the dogs can be in another room at mealtimes, but if they say no, that's that. Why do you think her feelings are more important than theirs.

yes, I'd far prefer to have the dogs on their beds, like yours. But when you're invited on holiday as a guest, you don't get to set the rules. You choose whether to accept the invitation or not.

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/03/2023 10:49

I wouldn't be going.

Our dog doesn't go on the bed or the sofa, he never has done. He gets firmly told to go and lie down while we eat (though he does surf the table for crumbs when we clear the plates cos he is tall enough to just walk by).

Don't blame PND for your reaction to the dog stealing your baby's food.

caramac04 · 30/03/2023 10:50

I’ve never allowed dogs to beg for food at our table. If they did they would be put in another room. I can’t bear begging dogs, bloody awful nuisances without the hygiene aspect which is grim.
They often sit under or near the table but do not beg and have never taken food off the table or from anyone.
I love dogs but they are dogs not humans.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 30/03/2023 11:06

I would not be going anywhere with family members who prioritised their badly behaved dogs over my children and over civilised behaviour in general.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 30/03/2023 11:12

When we had our dog she was allowed in the room while we ate but she just laid at the other end of the room. She knew any attempts at scrounging from the table would mean she was put out of the room while we finished our meal. The thought of having a dog licking the kids high chair trays is gross.
@bozzabollix best wishes for your dog to come through ok.

Natty13 · 30/03/2023 11:37

I have the opposite problem!

My dog is well trained not to jump, beg, lick or steal food. She will sit beside my kids while they are eating snacks on the sofa and not be a bother (apart from that look that days I haven't eaten for 4 days lol). If she is ever in the room when we eat dinner (including pubs) she sleeps under the table and if food is dropped needs woken up to notice it.

My extended family encourage jumping up for food, try to feed her at the table and otherwise try to undo all the really hard work I put in to have a well-behaved dog. It infuriates me.

I have a personal approach to life which is I ask you not to do something once and say why, if you do it again I repeat that I've asked you not to do that, the third time you do it you've ignored me twice so I'm not wasting any more time or energy I opt out of whatever circumstances would allow you to do it again. My family know this and yet still wanted to treat my dog like a toy for their own amusement and make out that im the kill joy uptight one. I don't care, its me who has to take that dog home with me and try to train it out of her! The next trip after their last strike I said "me and the kids won't be eating with you guys just FYI since you can't stop yourselves winding up the dog we will take her for a walk while you eat then have our meals after. Wow look at this weather forecast, better remember to pack our wellies!" And I did it.

I'd recommend you tell your family that you, DH and the kids will be eating separately since you don't want the dogs stealing food and licking your children. Let then suggest having them in another room because from what you've written it won't go down well if you suggest it (they sound v inconsiderate). If they don't suggest it then just have your meals separately. Don't make a drama, don't engage if they make a drama, just be calm and matter of fact. You are allowed to make the choice that you don't want dogs jumping all over you at meal times, keep telling yourself that!

zeldarubinstein · 30/03/2023 13:47

Our dog is quite spoilt and allowed on sofas, beds etc but she knows that mealtimes she is on her mat til we've finished eating, or if I'm eating on the sofa she can sit politely next to me and I'll save her a chip or whatever, but I won't tolerate begging or trying to get near the plate. And I'd never even let her do that with anyone else, let alone jump at a small child, that's awful!

Ideally the dogs would be trained well enough to know to keep away / follow a command, but if they're not then the owners need to find a way to manage them so people can eat in peace! YANBU OP.

Floralnomad · 30/03/2023 13:52

I don’t think you should go , they may well say they will keep the dogs out but the reality will be the dog will whine / bark and will be in like a shot .

Samsungwasher · 30/03/2023 13:56

My first thought was why would you go on this trip, knowing what it's going to be like with the dogs? You're not at all unreasonable, but unfortunately because the family allow the dogs to do disgusting things it's going to cause strife if you protest.
I don't think you can start making rules now. The time to do that was when you were invited to go and before you said you would.

Artemisty · 30/03/2023 14:01

I have a personal approach to life which is I ask you not to do something once and say why, if you do it again I repeat that I've asked you not to do that, the third time you do it you've ignored me twice so I'm not wasting any more time or energy I opt out of whatever circumstances would allow you to do it again
I love this approach @Natty13 !

OP you're absolutely right to ask them to be out of the room whilst you're eating. I'm a dog owner and lover with a very well pampered Pooch but would be absolutely horrified if he ate off someone's plate. And believe me he has tried.

Original poster
SayMumOneMoreTime · 30/03/2023 19:02

Thanks for all your perspectives, it's food for thought!

The reason we are going on the holiday is because I avoid seeing them as much as possible, but my mum gets upset very easily and absolutely expects us to go. Everyone else is arriving on the Monday evening, and we are arriving on the Tuesday morning and that went down like a sack of shit. She said 'oh I hope you can still come to at least some of the holiday' with tears in her eyes.

The dog thing is something I haven't raised for 6 years, and I take the point a pp made about the time to raise it was when accepting the invitation. However, there wasn't really an invitation just a request for availability and then a booking confirmation.

Writing this out is helping! A few Christmases ago my mum summoned me to Christmas day (200 mile journey there and back in a day due to other commitments, 8.5 months pregnant) and when I said it didn't work for me she cried and said I always prioritise my in laws.

Basically it's always emotional drama when I try to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 30/03/2023 19:13

Ugh.. no.

My dogs are on the sofa (and get off or budge up when asked, and wait to be invited if I am on there first).

They're on my bed - but again, get off or budge over when asked, wait to get up if im there first).

They don't beg for food, and they even get food from our plates or lick plates (plates obviously get washed properly after and we don't have guests anyway so no ones being fed from a plate a dog licked!)...

The reason they don't beg is that they only get left overs or plates to pre-wash on their own beds. It doesn't happen anywhere else and the dog first on his or her bed is the first to get the goodies.

If my sister comes over to eat (she sometimes brings her dinner here after work), I ask them all to sit in their beds, not because they'd beg from her, but because shes a filthy spiller who drops stuff and I don't want them learning to hover by her. They get sent to clean up any crumbs when shes finished and gone.

This took training, of course, the point is that you can live with your dogs the way YOU want... and yet still have dogs that don't piss other people off! If you train them.

So when they tell you 'well we like them this way' you can tell them its entirely possible to have them any way they like... but they can ALSO teach their dogs to sit in their bed or on a mat and behave politely - and if they don't they've only themselves to blame when other people don't want to spend time around their dogs!

Mothership4two · 31/03/2023 01:20

MarchMadness23 · 30/03/2023 10:46

Of course it matters who pays. Her parents have paid & invited her, she accepts or declines. She can ask if the dogs can be in another room at mealtimes, but if they say no, that's that. Why do you think her feelings are more important than theirs.

yes, I'd far prefer to have the dogs on their beds, like yours. But when you're invited on holiday as a guest, you don't get to set the rules. You choose whether to accept the invitation or not.

Show quote history

In a normal loving family it shouldn't matter IMO as long as it is a reasonable request. We have taken our sons and girlfriends on holiday and if any of them asked us not to do something because it made them uncomfortable of course we'd go along with it. We would like them to enjoy the holiday too, that's why we asked them. We certainly don't set rules and wouldn't say well we have paid so you don't have any say in this holiday and you will have to lump it.

OP isn't exactly asking for the moon! Her feelings don't trump theirs but she's making an understandable request that will have little impact on anyone else unless watching her fend off 5 dogs from her kid's meals really floats their boat. It's not about some petty hierarchy with some members having more say than others, they are a family who hopefully want to help each other out.

Of course they could say no and still could even if OP was paying a share. But OP asked AIBU here and IMO if* they don't agree then they *are the ones being unreasonable

Poppy61 · 27/10/2023 15:49

Dogs and children now rule the world. It is not the dog's or children's fault.