To ask how we move forward from this..?

[Hannahbananaana]

Husband told me last night, after 9 years of being together that I’m the worst sex he’s ever had.

It was in context, we were having a discussion about our sex life and he was venting his frustration about the lack of sex in our marriage (probably once a week)

I don’t blame him for saying it, I’m such a boring cow in bed with him, always have been. I used to be a lot more adventurous and well, just horny and passionate, but I’ve never been able to be so with him.

The first time we had sex I remember thinking it was okay….but he was silent throughout and it was just all a bit meh. There was no hot, passionate, tearing each others clothes off, just perfectly nice, calm but perfunctory sex.

He’s very generous in bed and I always orgasm, but it’s just all so boring. He doesn’t light my fire as it were. I’ve told him so many times over the years, I need a bit of dirty talk or SOMETHING as completely silent sex is just odd. Trouble is, when he does then talk dirty I cringe a bit (which I know is unfair) as I know it’s not natural for him and it just comes across as really contrived.

He is suggesting we go to a sex therapist and I’m not completely adverse to the idea, but today I’m feeling hurt by what he said.

He said that there is no proper intimacy with us, that all his other sexual partners hve been a 10 in terms of emotional intimacy and them telling him what they like in bed etc and I’m a 5.

I have HUGE trouble telling him what I want in bed, I just don’t do it unless I get really fed up and frustrated and end up blurting something out. I wish I was more confident to express my needs but I always worry he’ll be turned off or that he just won’t be able to fulfil them and then where do you go.

My sex drive is non existent at the moment and I do only have sex to please him.

I really want this to change but I don’t know how we can move forward from this as I know feel he’ll just be thinking about his exes when we’re together and obviously I know he thinks our sex life is shit. I can’t imagine having sex with him again after this 😞

I think therapy is your only chance.

So do I

Tell him to fuck off then back to one of those 10s. What a bastard.

Once a week is not often?! DH and I are lucky to manage once a month cos my sex drive has fallen off a cliff recently. Do you know how many times he has complained? None. He has gently asked once or twice that everything is ok and is there anything he can do to help but that's it.

Stop having sex you dont want just to please him.

Oh dear. Can you reframe it as something to work on together? At least he want things to improve. We haven't had sex for three years and that does seem impossible to recover from. I think therapy is a good idea. He was a bit clumsy in his words but the sentiment seems fair

Agree, therapy sounds like a great option, as you have both found it difficult to address the issues over some years.
This could actually be the start of something really good for both of you.

What to do? Seek proper counselling to work through your problems and agree a way forward. Or just end things now because it sounds like a bad relationship all round. Even if you have never been sexually satisfied during your relationship, there should be enough respect to be kinder about it than this. After nine years you should be able to talk about things that matter in an adult way.

Both of you are being dysfunctional about your sex life and I doubt it ends there.

So he's now told you what you've been basically telling him for years? You both sound as bad as each other here, and therapy might do you both good to see if there's anything worth saving.

I'm not sure about therapy. You didn't like having sex with him from day one. No matter who you talk to now, I don't think that's going to improve. As you say, he doesn't light your fire. No amount of talking will set fire to either of you.

This.
He may not have worded it well, but he wants to have more emotional connection with you during sex. He’s not talking about acrobatics and hanging from the ceiling.

By your own admission, you aren’t happy with your sex love either, nor do you put any effort in.

This is a great opportunity for you both to open a fresh page and have a more satisfying relationship in and out of the bedroom.

Good luck, OP and OP’s husband.

Not helpful but you were incompatible from the very beginning, what on Earth made either of you want to shag the other again?! Crap sex is worse than no sex, you each find the other a total disappointment.

This isn’t a case of getting the spark back having lost it for a bit, you never had it together and no sex therapist can get you to manufacture it. I wouldn’t bother.

Well this is my worry.

I don’t know if we’re just not sexually compatible. I do find him attractive but there’s just not that spark/ chemistry there. I like confident, slightly dirty men in the bedroom and I wouldn’t say he’s either of those, well, if he is he hasn’t really shown me that side (not without me asking anyway)

We have an amazing marriage otherwise, he’s such a lovely man, absolutely adores me and our daughter, would do anything for us, pulls his weight around the house, is ambitious and successful, good looking etc. Is it worth throwing all that away for better sex?

But how on earth am k going to have sex with him again knowing that we both don’t enjoy it and that I’m the worst shag he’s ever had!!! Mortifying!

Only as mortifying as he's the worst you've ever had! It ain't all about you, it's about you both! Surely now that you both know this about each other it means you can have grown up conversations about it?

Tell him stoney faced if marks out of 10 are in talks his dick is a 2 compared to others you have had...

do that and dont be suprised if the relationship breaks down completely. Tactless talk will cost.

Another vote for therapy here.

But... the reason you're like this is because you don't fancy him, because he's silent and wooden. What's he going to do about that?

He expressed himself terribly and I'm not surprised you are hurt. Therapy sounds like an option if you think there's a possibility of things improving. But from your post it sounds as if you just don't fancy him that much and I'm not sure you can therapise yourself out of that.

I don’t know. He’s alway acted shocked when I say it, says he doesn’t agree that he’s like that. But then he must know deep down because the next time we have sex he starts talking dirty, so he must know he’s usually mute throughout. Even his orgasm is completely silent, sometimes I have to ask him if he’s come.

The last couple of times we’ve had sex he’s struggled to get it up (first time ever) and last night he said it’s because he’s so anxious about the sex because he feels there’s no passion and I’m only doing it to please him.

I guess I’ve got no choice, if I want to save my marriage, I’m going to have to go to couples sex therapy, I’m just not convinced it’ll change anything. I have become a bit sexually repressed though so I guess they may be able to help with that, but I feel like I’d rather do that on my own.

Communication is the bigger issue than sex. To be honest, any decent relationship counsellor could help, less expensive than a sexual relations therapist- you're not at that stage. I think it sounds like it is definitely worth exploring and although you're both being a bit defensive just now and maybe hurt too, this isn't insurmountable.