Where do I go from here?

[Cakeandcookies]

Hi mumsnetters,

I’m not sure where to start life seems a bit of a mess at the moment so I will try and be brief.
I gave birth to my much awaited second baby a few months ago. After my first I suffered significant complications and was assured it wouldn’t happen again. Fast forward to second baby I spent 6 weeks in hospital after bleeding out internally and developing sepsis. Numerous times I told them something was wrong and 3 times I was sent home. Only when my temperature was 40 degrees but I was shaking and cold and incoherent did they take me seriously. I know how very lucky I am to be here but I have nightmares revisiting what happened. We went to a birth reflection meeting but they said it was so complex they needed to refer us back to a consultant. My baby will be 9 months by the time it happens. I was desperately hoping for some closure. I referred myself to perinatal mental health as I thought it would be good to talk it through but am still on a waiting list and baby is nearly 6 months.
My waters broke on the day of my beloved Nana’s funeral and she is being laid to rest this week.. the guilt and sadness is overwhelming as I don’t feel I have grieved as I have constantly been back and forth to the hospital.

To top it all off my fiancé is having issues with money. I knew he had some credit card debt but after he overreacted with our toddler and pushed him and I asked what on Earth is going on he finally came clean. Thousands of £.. far far more than I knew about or could ever imagine spending. Think house deposit x2 or 3 in some areas (not London!)

I am due corrective surgery in the summer along with an appointment for my heart as it appears damaged from the sepsis. Along with the grief and caring for two small children (who are my entire world and I adore) this final piece of news has nearly tipped me over the edge as I need to get my health both emotional, physical and mental sorted so that I can move on and be the best mummy I can be but now I’m worrying about having to go back to work early and possibly having to take on a second job to get out of this mess. Family have helped him, he can’t even get a secured loan it’s so bad. Where do I go from here? Be kind please 🙏

Aibu to take a case against the hospital?
Aibu to leave fiance until he has sorted himself out?

I'm sorry, I know this is about your health and it sounds horrific,
But your partner lost his temper and pushed your toddler, because he's got himself into debt?
That seems like the most immediate of concerns to address.

Blimey, that all sounds very stressful, I'm very sorry for your loss and all you are going through. I can’t really comment on recovery from the horrific birth experience but I can tell you that if you are hoping for closure then legal action will take years so the issue will remain present for a very long time. I think you'd need to weigh this up against any possible value of payout. Your partner has told you the truth now so if he is a generally helpful and loving supportive person then leaving him would be to your own detriment.

I don't want to say LTB, but truly, I wouldn't feel he was safe to be around the children.

In your position, what I'd do is say, I need you to be out of the house to work on yourself.

See what benefits you're entitled to- as you'll provably get additional help because your health sounds terrible. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.

Get him to pay child support and get to grips with his debt,
Then he needs to do some work on anger management

@Fuckityfuckfuck123 sorry I should have said to leave him even if until he sorts himself out because of what he did to our toddler / his lies. I'm devastated as its the one time I need him the most and I want my little ones to be happy and safe. :(

@Domino20 Thank you. It is. Atm I'm not entitled to anything when we are together but am apart. I just want the best for my children and for my health to improve. Several doctors at the hospital even suggested legal action but I haven't got the strength for it!

Leave your partner. He should not be pushing your DC in a moment of anger.

Can you afford some private therapy to process the birth? We looked at taking legal action against a hospital after dd died and we thought they were negligent. In the end we decided it would just prolong our pain and would have taken years. I would consider what outcome you want from any legal action - for us it was for processes to be changed rather than ££. I would ask yourself whether prolonging this with legal action and a birth reflections meeting at 9 months pp with be detrimental to your mental health.

Focus on the now. Leave your partner and create a safe, happy home for your DC. Take it one day at a time.

You need to focus on you and I think that’s leaving your partner and getting your own things sorted; he can sort out his financial stuff and you can both consider what you do moving forward in the future.
I had a very traumatic experience with one of my pregnancies; bit different but I was in hospital for weeks and nearly died. I think I had PTSD after and the consultant debrief and some CBT to help with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts helped. I’m sorry you’re having to wait for the help you need but once you get it then it makes things feel more manageable.

I'm so sorry, this is just the time you need him isn't it, and he's not lived up to what he should be.

In your position I'd want to give him the opportunity to try and sort himself out on the premise that the pushing incident was once, and never happens again- and he actively takes actions to decrease those chances like anger management courses.

Please also, don't work to get him out of his financial problems, he needs to find his way out or he will do it again. He needs to face that consequence.

It doesn't need to be a complete relationship break down, but you need space to concentrate on you and the kids whilst he figures out his mess.

DO you have a good support network in your family other than your OH?

Because I would take legal action for compensation. i know it's a pain and you feel like you don't have it in you but the extra money could be REALLY helpful both for private theraphy and to help you as a single parent. Often cases like thi are settled and many medical negligence solicitors will do it on a no win no fee basis.

Thank you so much to you all. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to have to experience what I have that would be only legal reason. The mental health team do think it is ptsd but I'm trying to move forward but its so tricky. I need to have a good conversation with him but have spent most of my day getting emotional as I worry about the impact on my small people. The amount of money is eye-watering. He has exhausted all family support and loan companies won't touch him. It could take 10-15 years to clear. Apparently he has nothing left at the end of the month so uses his credit card. Despite earning just shy of 50k.. I just wish I knew what to do. X

Sorry, I hadn't fully taken onboard his aggressive behaviour towards your toddler, yes that would be something concerning but if you split you'd then need to consider how to move forward with contact for the children. What would that look like? Would you be trying to block contact on the grounds of his aggression? This could also turn into a legal issue with court involvement.
Regarding his debts, sounds like he needs to get his head out of the sand and see some professionals for debt management advice.