To expect husband to be more intelligent?

[MeMyBooksAndMyCats]

DS7 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 2 weeks ago. Right now his numbers are all over the place as his cells have tried to kickstart and make their own insulin which is normal.

We are meant to check before meal times, two hours after meals/corrections, before we go to sleep and once through the night around 4am more if needed.

Last night ds7 had lows as his numbers need adjusting again. This meant I had to get up more to check they weren't getting dangerously low and it did happen at 6am and he needed treatment immediately.

Today I'm quite clearly very tired, DH keeps saying it's my own fault for getting up so much in the night even though this the ADVICE off his diabetes team.

AIBU to think he's a complete and utter arse who should be more intelligent to know that you need to check and I'm not just making this up?

It's making me so angry as I'm the only one doing it! I normally do ds7 breakfast and go and have a hours nap, but today DH had a lie in so I didn't get that extra hours sleep so I'm running off 4 hours.
He's also reculant to do blood pricks and insulin which isn't helping either!

The worst kind of thick person, the type who thinks they’re intelligent 😳

If he isn't willing to go to your son's appointments with you, I'd tie him to a sack truck, Hannibal Lechter style, to make sure he heard the seriousness of your son's condition.

Instead of rushing to post shite, try READING the OP's posts.

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats

JFC what a dickhead.

How would you be practically & financially if you told him to Fuck Off?

Its stressful enough when you're 'in it together' but battling this twat while going through everything else with DS is just too much.

what a shit husband & dad.

thank Fuck DS has you 🌷

I am raging on your behalf OP. It sounds as if your DH couldn't look after your DS in an emergency, what a nightmare. He really needs to step up or get out.

What an absolute cock.

This isn't about intelligence. If he's that thick he shouldn't be driving and would need a carer. He's just choosing to take on what is convenient for him. Surely he understands that you can die of hypoglycaemia! During what they call 'the honeymoon phase' his blood glucose levels could be all over the place and these next few months could well be exhausting. Psychologically this is a massive strain and you should all be pulling together.
I suggest you join DUK. Many towns have local support groups who meet up once a month or so. You might find this useful. I work in this field. Hopefully, going forward your child will be offered a different type of monitor that's less invasive but tech can fail so it critical your husband is able to competently do a 'finger prick test', whether he likes it or not.
Tbh in your position I'd be raging. How many times do we play daft scenarios in our head, what if I we only had 1 loaf of bread, what if a mad gun man, zombie apocalypse, whatever....but we all think we'll be the family that pulls together and would do anything for our children....and now you've had a mini cris and the selfish fucker has fallen at the first hurdle. Im serious, lm not sure I could feel the same way about him

I assume your DS was admitted to hospital? Did your husband not listen to the doctor/paediatric diabetic nurse etc when all this was explained? If he didn't attend then I really think he's useless.

He thinks I'm making up how many times I need to check his blood sugars which is just insanity really.
It's really put me off him as a person. Which is ridiculous as he's great with our eldest DS who has multiple learning disabilities!

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats there's only one thing for it: you drag him with you to your son's next appointment and then you come straight out with it to whoever you're seeing 'My husband doesn't think it's necessary to check DS x times a night. Can you explain it to him, please?' And yes, that will be humiliating for him. Tough shit, this is your son's life on the line and he needs to be crystal clear on this. I have a close friend whose DD was diagnosed at 9. They nearly lost her. Her DH was there every step of the way. Yours is currently a dismal failure as a parent, no matter how great he is with his other child.

financially I'd be okay, support wise would require me moving 4 hours down south to where my family live and changing both sons support teams for diabetes and Camhs/SEN school for my other son that would be difficult right now with ds7 very new to diabetes.

This is the thing he is amazing with ds11 who has learning disabilities, he wasn't great to start with but he fought the system to get him a SEN placement, an echp, and a lot of other support.
I think he's maybe scared of doing the insulin he made ds7 bleed (which can happen obviously with needles it's easily done I've done it as have the nurses at the hospital!) and it's put him off.

So will you make him go the doctors with you? Even your GP could explain clearly to him how serious it all is

The paediatric diabetic nurse who dealt with my child was excellent. She volunteered to go to his school and explain to his year group exactly what diabetes is and how they could ensure they were helping, not acting like idiots. Would s/he be prepared to visit you at home to explain to your husband what exactly to do?

@Nanny0gg gp won't deal with ds7 diabetes he just does the prescriptions, it's his team that deal with it.
Im waiting on a call back to change the insulin ratios this afternoon im going to get the husband to speak to them about checks over night, daytime is a lot easier as we can see it but this needs sorting this afternoon as im stressed to f*.

He knows his numbers are dropping to fast as he's seen the numbers I've just done and given him 2 biscuits to try and boost it a bit higher. So it is there - it's just nighttime's.

When the team call you back I would put them in speaker and introduce your husband to them, then run through the stuff you need and then say, my husband is a little confused about how many times we should check his bloods in the day and night and why, could you just run through that for him please. And then you write down what they say. Then ask my husband isnt very confident with the injections as when he did one DS bled, what is the best way to resolve this? And then you write down what they say. Add anything else he is unsure about or you want him to have clarity on. Then after the call, go through the notes with DH, get his agreement that you both heard the same and agree on a basic routine or protocol, then email it to the both of you and ask him to email back confirming he agrees. Now you both have a clear agreement that you can hold each other to.

Also have a conversation about what he is scared about and what you are scared about and what DS is scared about, air it all in the open. It is very normal to need some help adjusting to such a major life impacting diagnosis and everyone approaches it in different ways. He can be scared, withdraw, be angry etc while he is processing, but he cannot jeopardize DS health while he finds his new normal. Maybe you can get through it by leaning on each other and being honest, maybe you need professional counselling, but you both need to talk about it, not turn inwards

Is he going to hospital appointments with you? He needs to. That might help him to understand the truth a bit more.

If you are thinking of leaving then you might want to get some evidence that he is refusing to follow medical advice for your DC first.

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats well if he's good with your eldest & good at fighting his corner for SEN provision, he's not just a twat. I'll give him that.

So if leaving him means you'd have to move 4 hours away for the family support you feel you'd need, 4 hours away from the eldests Dad & SEN support/school then it's probably not a great idea at the moment

However, he does need to get onboard & fast. T1 is NOT something to be taken lightly.

Get DS's Team to speak to him, explain everything slowly! & carefully and strongly outline the consequences of not following the 'rules'. Reiterate what the are, get him to write it down as they tell him.

whatever you do, stay in the position where financially you'd be ok if you told him to f'off and keep notes of his attitude etc with DS's diabetes. You might need to prove he shouldn't have DS overnight at some stage (horrible to think about I know, but better to be prepared & not need it!)

it will be better when DS is on continuous monitoring with alarms etc, but play the long game. You/he (as an adult) will
appreciate it when it's established & funded.

maje sure DS is learning along side you and you're not just doing it all for him, it'll give him much more confidence & independence as he grows.

it's not easy🌷

I'm not going to.comment about your dh,as I don't think a load of ranting ,mumsnetters,will really help.I am however in a similar position my 16 year old son was diagnosed with type 3 c diabetes( it's a rare form of diabetes caused by damage to the pancreas) a few weeks ago and I'm also extremely stressed and tired ,his blood sugers are also all over the place 😥, and he just informed. Me last night that he was running,out of his novorapid, insulin ,when I thought he had another full pen of it 😡
hopefully things settle down for both our boys soon.

Is he squeamish about blood and doing the finger pricks. I have seen quite a few parents who really struggle with it. Others just wham bam without a second thought. If he is really squeamish, he might be minimimzing the need in this head and then feels guilty he isn't helping so he is making it sound like you are doing too much. A child with a new life threatning illness is always a stressful time for families. I am sure you wouldn't be with him if you actully thought he wouldn't care if your child had a seizure or went into a coma, so it is more likely some health anxiety underneath it that is getting expressed in unhelpful and irritable ways.

You need to have a conversation with him and get to the point where his defenses are down so you can talk about the real issue instead of the balking he is doing to defend himself. You both should be anble to talk about your fears and how you can as a team work to ensure your son's health.

Rather than attacking him or confronting him (you will just get more defensiveness) I would use "I" statements. At the right time when it is just the two of you and you are both in a good mood - ask to talk and tell him (some version of) I am confused. I know you love the children and I just don't understand what is happening when it comes to Jimmy. I am so scared I am going to miss a low and it will be an emergency again. I need us to work together. Can you tell me where you are at and what you think we can do to get through this and to have better teamwork about this?"

My husband was like this when DC3 had to be NG tube fed, wouldn't engage with the placement training at all and I ended up having to quit work to do it all, caused a lot of resentment.

I would second having him attened the next meeting with the diabetic team, perhaps even talk to them about his disengagement and show him to record book of BG testings to show how frequently his numbers fluctuate.

Good luck.

The amount of blood in a finger prick test is tiny. It's hardly a spot, there would be more from a scraped knee. Even if he is sqeemish he really needs to get to grips with doing the tests. I mean has he never changed a nappy, or dealt with vomit, or wiped a snotty nose?

High and mighty from some one who can't read an OP.

It isn’t just the blood, her DH is far from alone in being a parent who finds it hard to poke their child and draw blood.

That is great that it wouldn’t bother you but lots of parents struggle with it initially - both moms and dads. Needing to poke their child for blood and give them needles and cause them pain - some parents find this difficult. Ops DH needs to figure it out but there is really nothing to be gained from name calling and degrading him. That isn’t motivating to anyone or how a husband or wife should approach an issue.

Phone the diabetes team and tell them what you’ve told us and ask them to re iterate it to your DH. He’s a wanker. He needs to be fully on board in case you get hit by a bus tomorrow and spend the week in hospital. You don’t piss around.