Or is he?

[rainylane]

Adult son early 20s moved back home for a while recently which is fine, he pays his way.

He's generally at work most of the time or studying in is room.
Occasionally he will stay out overnight and not tell us, we have asked him politely if he'd please let us know if he won't be home but he doesn't.

I worry if he doesn't come home and not because he's my son, I'd worry if anyone who I expected home safely wasn't there in the morning.

AIBU- he's a grown man and it's not my place to know if he's staying out.

He's BU- He should let me know if he's staying out so I know he's safe.

YANBU........it's a basic courtesy to those you live with.
It would only take a few seconds to send a text saying that he won't be home.
I expect my DD to let me know when she isn't coming home, even if it's late and she knows I would have gone to bed, she still sends me a text.

Yes, he is an adult. But seeing as he is staying with you, a simple text, call, to say he is not coming home is not too much to ask. I would expect that. There is nothing that you can do about it though, as you have already seen.

Would you expect him to tell you if he's going to be out all night if he lived elsewhere? No? Thought not. He's an adult who can do what he chooses.

The point is that he does not live elsewhere.

he should tell you if he is not coming up, and you should tell him if you are not coming home, its basic curtesy

YANBU He is living under your roof so should respect your rules/requests out of courtesy.

I wouldn't expect DD to tell me once she has left home, but while she is living under my roof I do!

This

My parents expected me to text at ANY point in the night even at 4am to say I won't be back when I moved back in with them. It is not a big ask

Hmm I’ve been in your sons position and I think YABU. I felt like my DPs were treating me like a child wanting to know when/if I was coming home after a night out or stopping at a friends. Or even if I popped out then decided to go out for dinner /movie they’d expect to know if my plans changed.

I ended up saying that I’d lived away at uni and they didn’t know my specific movements then and weren’t worrying. Also said not to include me for tea generally so they’d stop worrying about wasted food.

as a parent I can see it from the other side and understand where the worry came from but I still don’t think that I would want my adult children to notify me all the time (if they end up being at home as adults)

If we are cooking for our child would expect to be told not coming home for food that can't be reheated

If our child said specifically they would be home and are not then to be contacted would be nice

YANBU. It doesn't take a moment to text/WhatsApp.

"If he lived elsewhere...."
He doesn't!

He should send a quick text.
My DS does even if he knows I'll be in bed because he knows I'll see it when I wake up and then won't worry. Basic manners.

I think he should let you know.

In our house the last one to bed double locks the door, I sleep better knowing that has been done.

I txt my son if he is t home when it’s getting late and then he will tell me if he is staying elsewhere or just getting home later.