Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Is this my issue?

15 replies

Fruitpicnic · 28/03/2023 07:51

I need some advice on whether I’m actually being a horrible wife, or if I’m being unreasonably made to feel that way.

Husband has a flexible, full time job where a lot of the hours can be done at any time of day as long as the work gets done. I work part time (3 mornings and 1 full day a week) and have our two young DC the rest of the time.

The scenario:
Had a bit of an argument with husband one night about him consistently being late home from work in the evening (often a few hours later than he says he will be), leaving me to sort tea and get the DC ready for bed etc. alone. This has always been the case since we had the children, it’s not a new thing but I’m getting increasingly frustrated by it now that I’ve returned to work after mat leave. He accused me of being unreasonable because he’s always so busy with work and needs that time to get everything done etc.

The thing is, he is in absolutely no rush to start work in the mornings. For example, after our discussion the night before where he’s so busy with work, the next morning we drop DC at nursery and then instead of starting work he has a 20 min shower, then a leisurely breakfast downstairs whilst watching TV. It gets to 12pm and he still hasn’t started work!!!!

I decided enough is enough, and called him out on it. I explained that it makes me feel that you feel your time is more important than mine, and that you put your own wants above the family. He then accused me of calling him lazy and selfish, and that just because ‘ you never want or make time for yourself’ doesn’t mean that he can’t do that. He says he needs that time to feel well in himself.

I couldn’t believe it! Am I being unreasonable here? Is it okay for him to consistently not start work until midday but then not come home until late evening because he’s so busy and needs more time to work? Am I unfairly accusing him of being lazy? if he says he needs that downtime to feel well in himself. Could he not work in the evenings once the children have gone to bed if he needs that time in the mornings?

OP posts:

Maedan · 28/03/2023 07:53

Sorry but he sounds like a loser 🤷 not a partner, I couldn't live like this. How does he suggest you make time for yourself btw, I bet he never offers to have the baby. Don't have anymore kids with this guy! 💐

CupidStuntt · 28/03/2023 07:54

Hes a prick. Choosing his time over family time.

snitzelvoncrumb · 28/03/2023 07:55

You could make dinner, then only leave him a tiny portion. He will eventually learn to be on time.

Flowersintheattic57 · 28/03/2023 07:56

You need to do that thing where you both sit down and work out your work hours,,childcare hours and all chores. Split them evenly between you then split the downtime evenly.
He needs to see that you are not a household appliance and him the higher being.

Rollerpiggy · 28/03/2023 07:58

Tell him you are making time for yourself now - every other evening from 6pm. So he comes in and cares for the kids whilst you go out at least 3 x a week. Then carve yourself out an afternoon over the weekend, to spend a couple of hours doing whatever you like. After all it was his suggestion! Let’s see how this goes down

Whatfreshhellisthisss · 28/03/2023 08:03

He sees himself as a child and you as the adult. You run the house, the organising, see to the children, do the food etc. He sees to himself with zero domestic responsibility like a teenager. Yanbu - he is unlikely to ever change so time to think about whether you are happy to be in this adult/child style relationship forever.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 28/03/2023 08:07

Honestly I read the start of your post and was prepared to think yep I bet she’s being unreasonable BUT NO. He’s taking the Mickey. You should be calling him selfish. If he doesn’t make your life easier than being a single parent there is literally no point to him. He is making his work spread out into all parts of the day so he doesn’t have to lift a finger to be part of the family.

DrManhattan · 28/03/2023 08:08

He is living his best life. You are enabling it. He's opted out of family life. You chose what you do about it.

PoBaFla · 28/03/2023 08:24

Tell him Ii he doesn't want to work mornings then that's ok, because you can save on childcare. Take your DC out of nursery and he can have them for the morning then you'll be home to take over at lunchtime!

SoozyWoozy5 · 28/03/2023 08:27

Selfish bastard..

HumphreyCobblers · 28/03/2023 08:33

He IS selfish and lazy. What a self centred arse.

MintJulia · 28/03/2023 08:37

PoBaFla · 28/03/2023 08:24

This.

Original poster

Fruitpicnic · 28/03/2023 10:07

This would be amazing! Imagine the money we could save, if he doesn’t make an effort this week I’ll be suggesting this

OP posts:

Original poster

Fruitpicnic · 28/03/2023 10:11

Above meant to be a reply to @PoBaFla

Thanks so much everyone, I feel validated! Honestly sometimes I question if I’m going mad when he makes me out to be so unreasonable.

I think one of the big issues is that he doesn’t see childcare as ‘work’. So I’m his eyes I ‘only’ work 2.5 days a week whereas he’s full time, but once I’ve finished my working day I still then have another 7-8 hours of childcare work to do solo until he decides to come home. Does that make sense?

Im expecting him to make more an effort this week and if he doesn’t I’ll have to start a conversation about how this relationship is not working for me as it is. As you said @Thirdsummerofourdiscontent apart from finances my life at the moment isn’t that far off from being a single parent anyway.

OP posts:

Twinedpeaks · 28/03/2023 12:12

Why not have him do all morning care and drop offs? That can be you me time. Make him realise it's not easy!

Flip