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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding

24 replies

Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 21:10

I know I am being unreasonable but I just need to vent ☹️
We have been invited to a wedding of a close relative of my Husband, he has asked my Husband be best man, which is lovely.
But, the wedding is costing us a fortune.
There is a stag weekend in a place my Husband hates the thought of going to.
He went there in the past and it just has some really, really bad memories attached to it.
But not going is not an option and it is several hundred pounds.
The wedding is in the middle of nowhere, there is no local accommodation so we have had to book a hotel miles away which is a country spa.
There is no option to drive home from the venue.
They want money, not a present, so no option to go for a gift that maybe we can save a few pounds on.
And today we went to get the suits and we are apparently expected to pay the hire charge for my Husbands.
When we got married we paid for everything including bridesmaid and best man outfits.
We are both in minimum pay jobs, it’s costing us the same as a week abroad.
My Husband is really laid back about it, apart from the stag weekend which he is dreading.
But I just feel really irritated that the groom isn’t paying for the suit hire, he is known for being tight.
I know I need to suck it up and get over it and that in the great scheme of things this is nothing.
I have accepted the cost of the stag weekend and hotel.
But the suit thing has really got to me.
☹️

OP posts:
JuneBridie · 27/03/2023 21:12

Yanbu, that’s really bad form.

Riverlee · 27/03/2023 21:14

when did weddings become so self-entitled?

If the couple want specific suits, then they pay for them.

2chocolateoranges · 27/03/2023 21:15

Things have changed since we got married too.

we paid for all bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair, makeup etc paid for kilt hire for fil, bestman and ushers .

however dh was an usher last year and had to pay for his outfit. So between kilthire, cost of staying overnight, stag do, actual wedding and a gift , we were close to £800 all in.

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 21:25

Riverlee · 27/03/2023 21:14

when did weddings become so self-entitled?

If the couple want specific suits, then they pay for them.

That’s what I thought.
My Husband has a lovely black suit, but the groom wants what he wants.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 27/03/2023 21:45

Presumably your dh is good friends with the groom? Why as this not been discussed between them? He just needs to speak up.

WigglyWaggly · 27/03/2023 21:48

Your husband needs to talk to the bride and groom. It's ridiculous to spend money on something like suits when you don't want to.

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 21:57

WigglyWaggly · 27/03/2023 21:48

Your husband needs to talk to the bride and groom. It's ridiculous to spend money on something like suits when you don't want to.

My Husband is older, an old fashioned man who is a gentleman.
For that reason he wouldn’t dream of saying anything, he just wouldn’t.
He would consider it bad manners.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 22:00

He needs to say no, if the groom wants a specific suit he should pay for it

They may want money but if you want to give a present do so

Just do what you can do

Barleysugar86 · 27/03/2023 22:06

That is so cheap! We paid for our grooms suit hire and the bridesmaids dresses. Just stick a bottle of champagne in a gift bag for the gift.

Awrite · 27/03/2023 22:15

It's such a shame that you are worried about offending them but they aren't worried (or indeed embarrassed) about offending you.

Totally fine not to go on stag do. Think of something to get him out of that.

If he wasn't best man, I'd be inclined to sack the whole thing off

Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 22:16

But not going is not an option and it is several hundred pounds yes it is. Its definitely an option. He needs to grow a backbone

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 22:17

Barleysugar86 · 27/03/2023 22:06

That is so cheap! We paid for our grooms suit hire and the bridesmaids dresses. Just stick a bottle of champagne in a gift bag for the gift.

That’s what I think,it’s cheap.
The champagne idea is great, I have an idea for a personal gift and that with champagne will have to do.

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 27/03/2023 22:19

I'd say he can’t make the stag do so will pass on the wonderful opportunity to be best man, saving on the cost of suit hire and the pricey weekend away. Absolutely do a bottle of champagne in a bag - drinkable presents are always welcome compared to three toasters (which is probably what they want to avoid).

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 22:21

Awrite · 27/03/2023 22:15

It's such a shame that you are worried about offending them but they aren't worried (or indeed embarrassed) about offending you.

Totally fine not to go on stag do. Think of something to get him out of that.

If he wasn't best man, I'd be inclined to sack the whole thing off

We have already paid for the stag do and hotel, it’s difficult to explain why he can’t not go, it would be a bit outing.
I hate weddings and will just plaster a smile on.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 27/03/2023 22:23

Honestly, he doesn't have to go to the stag do (and by rights as Best Man shouldn't he be planning it, so calling the shots on where / when / how much anyway?)

They're being incredibly tight, we paid for bridesmaid dresses and suits, make up & hair for the ladies, and transport there and back (we'd not have chosen somewhere that everyone had to come and stay at, unless we could have afforded to pay for that too).

A bottle of champagne AT BEST as a gift. Just because they've asked for money doesn't mean you have to comply, especially when it's costing you so much just to attend.

DogInATent · 27/03/2023 22:23

Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 21:57

My Husband is older, an old fashioned man who is a gentleman.
For that reason he wouldn’t dream of saying anything, he just wouldn’t.
He would consider it bad manners.

Show quote history

Remind your husband that if the Best Man won't say anything, no one else will. One of his roles as Best Man is to provide the groom with advice, and that means the advice that needs to be said rather than just the nice advice.

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 22:23

Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 22:16

But not going is not an option and it is several hundred pounds yes it is. Its definitely an option. He needs to grow a backbone

I know what you are saying but it is not a case of having no backbone, it is more cultural.
He was in the Army for years, his backbone is 100% intact 😂

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 22:26

Why doesn't he opt out of the stag do. He doesn't really want to go and it sounds like it's already been organised so it's not like he has a role to perform. It'll just be a piss up.
He just needs to frame it right when he tells groom so explain that you're on a limited budget and you can't afford everything, that you really wanted to book into a hotel on the day of the wedding (quote prices) so you can have a drink and relax. The alternative is drive home but you'll need to leave before gets dark as its a long way. Also (white lie) if you take leave for stag dobits got to be unpaid and you need to renew your passport as its got less than 6months on it.
I'm pretty sure groom will say miss stag and stay overnight.

Mog09 · 27/03/2023 22:26

We got married last summer and paid for everyone’s suit hire. We also discreetly paid for the hotel room for DH best man as we knew he and his young family are struggling. We both deliberately picked cheaper stag/hen parties, just nights out where we live. Still had a great time. It makes me uncomfortable how expensive weddings are for guests. It sounds like the bride and groom are being unreasonable, but they probably won’t change.

We asked for money as gifts but still received some presents, some people just gave a card and we thought nothing less of them, I was just so grateful to everyone that made an effort to attend! So you absolutely can bring a gift. Can you drive to the hotel to save cost? Perhaps your DH can just attend some of the stag?

pizzaHeart · 27/03/2023 22:26

I think you have to find some sort of compromise here and it looks like giving a present rather than money is a good compromise. I know they’ve asked for money it’s easier for them but it’s not compulsory, you still get them a present instead.

pizzaHeart · 27/03/2023 22:27

Sorry meant you still can get them a present instead

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 22:33

Sorry, just read more replies. Well at least you admit you know you're being unreasonable and just wanted to vent. You're all unreasonable. Them for being entitled, your husband for putting up with it and spending your money on something he won't even like, and you for enabling it and seemingly proud of his 'gentlemanly' ways.
Well bang goes your holiday this year. Hope you get a dress out of it being's as you don't actually like weddings.

Original poster
Turtletumy · 27/03/2023 22:34

Thankyou for your advice everyone.
I am going to buy a small gift as we a paying for the suit hire 😀

OP posts:
WigglyWaggly · 28/03/2023 10:29

Turtletumy · Yesterday 21:57

My Husband is older, an old fashioned man who is a gentleman.
For that reason he wouldn’t dream of saying anything, he just wouldn’t.
He would consider it bad manners

I think it’s bad manners to be cross with someone and not give them a chance to remedy the issue. You and your husband are annoyed with the bride and groom but you are withholding this crucial information! Your husband can talk to the groom and still be polite.

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