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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my manager?

33 replies

TallulahsThoughts · 27/03/2023 20:06

I work in a reasonably large team of around 25, we all get on fairly well and no dramas however we all work across the UK at different sites, so there are some colleagues I see regularly in person and others just online on teams and perhaps a couple of times a year. Naturally, there are some I am more friendly with.

On Saturday, I had my 30th Birthday party. I could only have around 70 people which sounds a lot but I have a large-ish family, uni friends and I invited the 5 colleagues that I was closest to. We had a great time, they posted on social media some pictures of us/my party.

This morning I got called up to a meeting with my manager which I thought was about work but turned out to be about my party. She said that she felt it was unfair that I had 'picked' people to be invited, not at least invited the whole team and that I would encourage 'cliques' if I wasn't careful inviting some and not others. That a member of the team had messaged her over the weekend and said that it was unfair to not be invited and if it was a wedding, they'd understand but not a party.

Firstly, I thought Jesus christ, it's a 30th birthday in a hall and not Glastonbury, but secondly, I told my manager that I can be friends with who I choose outside of work and only had capacity for a handful of colleagues anyways. Manager simply ended it by saying that I should be more considerate to peoples feelings next time and she would be 'keeping an eye'

AIBU to think this is just utterly ridiculous?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 27/03/2023 20:11

I’ve had similar at work before, I’ve been in both the ‘invited to the party’ crowd and the ‘not invited to the party’ crowd and tbh that’s just life!!

Your manager is being unreasonable to have made this a work situation, you’re under no obligation to invite the whole team or to spend time with anyone outside of work that you don’t want to and you have no reason to have to explain yourself.

Your manager should’ve told your colleague it wasn’t a work matter and not something they would be getting involved in.

CryHavok · 27/03/2023 20:14

YANBU. Your manager is. Did you leave her out? ;)

ilovesooty · 27/03/2023 20:15

Your manager and colleagues should mind their own bloody business.

As for that comment about "keeping an eye" I think I'd be following that up in writing.

ChickenDhansak82 · 27/03/2023 20:15

Omg this isn't primary school where you feel obliged to invite the entire class so you don't hurt anyones feelings!

Your boss is out of order and it was up to you to invite who you wanted.

TheMorningBird · 27/03/2023 20:16

If you are part of the management/leadership team in work then yes. You have to be viewed as valuing your colleagues equally.

If you are not part of the leadership team then absolutely not! Your boss can’t dictate who your friends are and should not be endorsing this behaviour by calling you in to his office and pandering to their behaviour!

Original poster
TallulahsThoughts · 27/03/2023 20:16

CryHavok · 27/03/2023 20:14

YANBU. Your manager is. Did you leave her out? ;)

I didn't, ironically she never engaged with outside work events and openly says that she isn't 'at work to make friends'...so I'll never understand why she is so concerned about me making them.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 27/03/2023 20:16

Ffs what a load of bollocks.

If one of my team had come to me with this I’d have told them to get over themselves.

CryHavok · 27/03/2023 20:18

TallulahsThoughts · 27/03/2023 20:16

I didn't, ironically she never engaged with outside work events and openly says that she isn't 'at work to make friends'...so I'll never understand why she is so concerned about me making them.

Show quote history

Probably because we’re in the midst of a labour shortage so whingers have to be accommodated

Goodadvice1980 · 27/03/2023 20:18

I would speak to HR as your manager is being a complete dick.

This is why I never have work colleagues on my social media!

ilovesooty · 27/03/2023 20:19

Ask her to confirm the details of her concerns in writing. I bet she won't dare.

carriedout · 27/03/2023 20:21

I'd take the 'keeping an eye' comment as a threat, and would potentially take that further.

Your manager is out of order.

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:48

I mean your manager is ridiculous to mention it, but I wouldn't have invited just a few and not the rest for this reason. I have a big bash recently and it was all or none.

Lookingoutside · 22/06/2023 10:27

Ask her on email to clarify exactly how she will be ‘keeping an eye’. Silly c**t.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/06/2023 10:45

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:48

I mean your manager is ridiculous to mention it, but I wouldn't have invited just a few and not the rest for this reason. I have a big bash recently and it was all or none.

Why? Its not school. The OP had 70 guests, and of the 25 people she works closely with, she invited the 5 she was closest to. That's life.

Any actual grown up who was so put out by this they approached management needs to get a fucking life.

ChaToilLeam · 22/06/2023 10:51

Bloody hell, what an idiot of a manager. Clearly lacks the backbone to tell the whiniest members of the team where to get off.

I’d also be asking for clarification in writing of her “keeping an eye” remark.

peachicecream · 22/06/2023 11:04

That is massively inappropriate from your manager. It's absolutely none of your manager's business who you socialise with in your personal life outside work.

IamstilltheWalrus · 22/06/2023 11:12

a member of the team had messaged her over the weekend and said that it was unfair to not be invited

hahahah😂😂😂

and if it was a wedding, they'd understand but not a party.
No difference, you invite whoever you want to your wedding. You just avoid focusing all the chats about the wedding at work.

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 22/06/2023 11:16

If you had 6 team members and only invited 5, it would be your prerogative but it would be more easily viewed as unpleasant as it's singling out an individual

5 out of 25 - when you barely see some of the others and they live in other parts of the country - your manager is being ridiculous. Who would be footing the bill for the larger venue extra food for 20?

dooooo · 22/06/2023 11:27

That is such a strange response! Is she quite controlling generally? Maybe she’s been bullied in the past or felt excluded when more junior and she didn’t want others to feel this way?

But she’s still being very unreasonable and the “keeping an eye out” thing is crossing the line!

OhComeOnFFS · 22/06/2023 11:31

Does that mean if you go on a date with one guy from work you have to go on a date with every man?

Or if you go to the gym with one friend from work you have to invite everyone?

olympicsrock · 22/06/2023 11:32

This is ridiculous as long as you did leave one or two out of a local group.

Resilience · 22/06/2023 11:33

Your manager has massively misinterpreted workplace bullying approaches (which can include out of work time events, but not this one). Is she relatively inexperienced?

Pringleface · 22/06/2023 11:37

I was left out of an invite to the whole of a small company to a housewarming. It was basically because the person didn’t like me. I was pissed off and upset because I hadn’t known until that point how strongly they disliked me but I wouldn’t have dreamed of making a complaint about it.

I would ignore it and if it gets raised again, tell your manager that if you choose to spend personal time with specific colleagues that’s up to you and not a matter for the company to concern itself with.

‘Keeping an eye’, my arse.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 22/06/2023 11:37

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 22/06/2023 11:16

If you had 6 team members and only invited 5, it would be your prerogative but it would be more easily viewed as unpleasant as it's singling out an individual

5 out of 25 - when you barely see some of the others and they live in other parts of the country - your manager is being ridiculous. Who would be footing the bill for the larger venue extra food for 20?

I agree with this, if you invited 24 of them, then you would need to invite the other one too, but when its 5/25 thats ok

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 11:39

How many are local and you didn’t invite - are you all on social media?

to be fair to your manager she had a complaint how would you want her to handle it

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