AIBU for being reeling @ nursery?

[TTCX2]

So long story short, my daughter (2 nearly 3) goes to a private nursery two days a week. Today, has been the third occasion where they have phoned me to tell me she has been complaining of a sore tummy and playing alone on the sidelines not engaging. I’d explained she’s been absolutely fine all weekend, the only thing I can think of is she hadn’t had a poo (sorry 🫣) yesterday so maybe a little constipated. The worker continued to discuss her not engaging with the group etc so as a mother, there was never really another option but to pick her up as I would have been uncomfortable and feel terrible knowing she was on her own and sad. When I arrived, she was playing quite happily in a group of children.

I have to be honest, I was little ‘off’ when I picked her up because tbh, I have nursery background and I don’t actually know what the purpose of the call was, other than to make me feel horrible mum guilt 🫣. She wasn’t Ill, no temperature, no sickness. I discussed with the assistant manager maybe just a message to let me know she’s a bit out of sorts so I can check back in after a while to see if she’s better and phone calls to only be used if she’s really distressed or unwell as the phone call to me felt really suggestive that I should collect her. I’m obviously annoyed because we’ve paid for her sessions, that she didn’t have today.

long story short, am I being irrational for being a bit annoyed and short on pick up? Should I have pushed back? (I know I probably should have.. but mum guilt is a killer for me!). Others thoughts would be good, thanks in advance ❤️

I think it's a bit of a communication issue. I would probably just have said "thanks for letting me know" but picked her up at the usual time. When nursery want me to pick mine up because of illness, they are much more direct.

Thanks @Theelephantinthecastle, that’s good insight. I do think I maybe jumped the gun but I just wasn’t sure their intention of the call and whether I needed to get her or not and naturally I felt shitty if I didn’t after they’d painted a horrible picture of how she was. Hopefully they use messaging on the app in the future and calls for emergencies!

Tough one - if they might be ill I’d like to know, but if they call and you’re pretty sure they’re not actually poorly from the description, maybe say “thanks for letting me know, I’ll monitor her overnight” and collect as normal. You might have arrived and found her in a bad way - or, as happened, you arrived and found her totally fine. So next time they call with a similar thing, say “thanks for telling me, I’ll keep an eye on her later when I collect” and get her as normal. Don’t feel you have to go just cos she’s a bit sad for 20 mins. You can say “thanks for telling me - call me again later if she gets worse and I’ll come”. Hard to make the judgement but trust yourself and don’t worry if you or they don’t always get it right.

I think unless they actually said ''we think you should come and collect her, then it's safe to say you were being informed of her status and given the choice about what to do.

Yes no denying it was 100% my decision to go and pick her up, but only because of the dire picture they painted. In my previous experience I would only ever phone a parent if we think it warranted picking up. I feel in this situation a message at pick up just to say she wasn’t herself would have sufficed if she wasn’t Ill. We all have off days, adults and children alike!

As a childminder, its a really hard call! Some parents would be devastated if you don't call, others find it inconvenient, most are somewhere in the middle. I like to think I know my mindees well enough to tell when they aren't themselves because of wither illness or something. Sometimes parents forget to tell you something (like her being constipated) or don't find it important until you give an update. A poor night's sleep, dad being away with work, or a cousin with chicken pox that youve recently seen might all be reasons a child is quiet, not joining in etc.

We aren't mind readers, we're just doing our best!

I’d be thinking they wanted her to go home to help their ratios/save on staffing tbh. Most two year olds have limited engagement with the activity at times.

Actually I don't think this is the nursery's fault. They didn't tell you to pick her up.

You say: In my previous experience I would only ever phone a parent if we think it warranted picking up

My sons' nursery does ring if they are a bit concerned about either of my boys, and I'm glad they do. Then I can make the decision myself. They're also covering themselves of course- imagine if they didn't tell you, and they got worse, and then you complained for not flagging that they weren't themselves!

I always ask 'do you think I need to collect them or are you happy to keep them until pickup time and just monitor?'. That way I get a clear answer.

Totally get this perspective as a childminder @BernadetteIsMySister and you’ve hit the nail on the head that it’s about knowing what our preferences are. It isn’t that I don’t want to know about her well-being, but that I will be concerned if I keep getting calls like that and my instinct will always be to be with her if she’s feeling that way. I would rather have an update at the end of the day and discuss how we can work on it or help her integrate better but equally playing independently isn’t alarming or a cause for concern to me. Totally understand if she is Ill but on this occasion she wasn’t.

i get what you’re saying @surreygirl1987 and in future I will be a bit more direct so I’m clear on whether they are suggesting I pick her up or merely just updating me. I just think a call sparks a bit of concern or panic when actually there was nothing too serious happening and a message on their app which they use regular would have been enough, unless they were really concerned about her, which they weren’t!

Three reports,so that's over two weeks if she goes twice a week.
Are you sure that your daughter is ok? Do you think she doesn't like the nursery and knows being quiet means going home or is there a chance she does have a stomach problem which flares up now and then?does she mention it at home?or any other pains or aches? I am probably over thinking this but from personal experience may I suggest you get to the root of the issue and put aside the nursery calling for now.hopefully all is well.

Hi @KarmaStar thanks for your reply and it maybe wasn’t clear it hasn’t been three calls over two weeks it’s been over months, so im not concerned there’s a heath issue. My daughter is perfectly healthy (as far as I’m aware!), no stomach issues, just a normal tummy that gets sore if she doesn’t have a bowel movement and this is very uncommon as she is usually daily. Staff have changed quite a bit within the nursery and I just wonder if she is just picking up on her favourite teachers not being there. Appreciate everyone’s responses on this, thanks ☺️