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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pt 2 If you didn’t go to a private school, what do you think about those who did?

29 replies

StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 13:11

just in case

OP posts:
potniatheron · 27/03/2023 13:36

Posh. And for some reason the girls all seemed to go spectacularly off the rails in sixth form.

Original poster
StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 14:36

@potniatheron There's a whole other thread of people claiming ' not posh' at all, but I agree with you.Not sure about anyone going off the rails tho!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2023 14:42

DH felt Private school were full of over privileged posh people who got an overpriced education that was no better than at State school. He believed that Private schools were unnecessary and a waste of money.
Then we visited the State and Private Options for DD for Secondary when she was in Y6, soon changed his tune and both DC went Private.
To be fair he did go to an excellent State Secondary and the ones we had available were awful. He assumed all State Secondaries are good

Livinginanotherworld · 27/03/2023 14:53

Missed the first thread. All my kids went private from 3, they are confident successful and thoroughly nice people. They also appreciate the sacrifices we made to send them. And no…..we have never needed to bail them out financially, they stood on their own feet from the start , saving for their first cars, driving lessons etc and working through uni hols for extra cash. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t do anything differently.

BertieBotts · 27/03/2023 15:01

Just in case what Grin

I had a couple of friends who went to private school from secondary, they were just normal people.

If I met someone as an adult I don't usually know what school they went to, I would think it quite strange if they were going on about it but if it came up naturally in conversation I would not think anything much except assume that their parents had money.

TidyDancer · 27/03/2023 15:01

My cousin went to private school. She's definitely confident and achieved middling success I would say. She also a massive arsehole with a matching ego who has treated people like shit. I'm not blaming private school for that as such, but she was privileged to such a degree that she developed a sense of entitlement and has been extremely unkind to her parents (they don't recognise this, the rest of us do), mine and other people.

SallyWD · 27/03/2023 15:09

I knew quite a few people who went to private school. I'm pleased to say most of them were/are refreshingly normal and you'd never guess they went to private school - if you know what I mean. No difference between them and me. However, I also know a few who were very obviously public school kids and lived up to every stereotype there is. These few were extremely superior, had a real sense of looking down on me and others. They would come out and say things that were so breathtakingly rude - about my family being poor, about our house looking like a shack (it didn't). They seemed to flaunt their wealthy lifestyle and friends. One lad told me he'd only go to "rich bitch" parties when I invited him to my party.
We have family friends who send their kids to private schools, all aged around 10. I've already noticed some of these kids making comments about how their school is better than my children's school. It shocked me that they've developed this sense of superiority at such a young age. To be honest, I think a lot of it comes from the parents. They compare the private schools with our state primary and told me the difference between the schools is like "night and day". Really pisses me off. Our state school is excellent! But they just assume theirs must be much better because they're paying £15,000 a year for it.

strawberry2017 · 27/03/2023 15:09

The only person I know who went to private school is a pain in my arse. She likes to undermine me, think she's always right, doesn't know how to apologise when she is wrong and is basically a dick.
Not sure if that's coz of private school or not 😂

Original poster
StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 15:10

Thinking about it, the people I know who can afford to go private but haven't, all went to state school themselves. The ones who's kids are at private school went to private school themselves or their DP did.
i.e. There's generational money there.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 27/03/2023 15:12

Livinginanotherworld · 27/03/2023 14:53

Missed the first thread. All my kids went private from 3, they are confident successful and thoroughly nice people. They also appreciate the sacrifices we made to send them. And no…..we have never needed to bail them out financially, they stood on their own feet from the start , saving for their first cars, driving lessons etc and working through uni hols for extra cash. If I could go back and do it again, I wouldn’t do anything differently.

Talk to me about the sacrifices.....

Original poster
StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 15:14

Out of my BIL's sibs only one went to private school - not sure why her and not the others, she has no SEN - she's very successful in her field ( well was, she's just retired at 50) but you've never met a bigger arsehole. Arrogant, entitled, rude, always going on about her houses she's bought or similar - I'm sure it's a coincidence... she's really unlikeable. But oblivious with it.

OP posts:
stinkfaceison · 27/03/2023 15:14

They seem to have self esteem , good communication skills , confidence and carry themselves well . They self present very well. However a lot have a sense of entitlement too.

stinkfaceison · 27/03/2023 15:16

StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 15:14

Out of my BIL's sibs only one went to private school - not sure why her and not the others, she has no SEN - she's very successful in her field ( well was, she's just retired at 50) but you've never met a bigger arsehole. Arrogant, entitled, rude, always going on about her houses she's bought or similar - I'm sure it's a coincidence... she's really unlikeable. But oblivious with it.

May be she won a scholarship ? Or was very talented in some way and got in via that and a bursary

Fewfucksgiven · 27/03/2023 15:18

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

Alaimo · 27/03/2023 15:22

I'd never met anyone who had been to private school until I went to university. The university I went to was a fairly average (non-RG) uni, but some of the people I met there had been to some of the best private schools in the country. I felt sorry for those who had to deal with parents who were clearly disappointed that the thousands they spent in school fees had not resulted in their child obtaining a place at a better uni.

For the ones not scarred by the experience of not living up to their parents' expectations, the thing that characterises them is a particular confidence and ease, but also in some cases a sense of humour that at times has a certain meanness to it (particularly the guys who had been to boarding school).

BlackBarbies · 27/03/2023 15:23

I wouldn’t think anything other than the fact that we come from completely different worlds. Yes, they’re still normal people. But when you grow up in the trenches of South West London, you don’t meet people who’s parents can afford private school

Upsywavy · 27/03/2023 15:26

I mean some people are stuck up (not sure this is solely down to their school though) just as some people I went to the local comp with are rough as fuck - stereotyping and generalisations aren't really fair or true to life. I think good for them that they have had the opportunity, just as they probably have the opportunity to do more outside of school too coming from money.

Hbh17 · 27/03/2023 15:29

I think they were fortunate that their parents prioritised their education. My friends who went to private school are lovely people, & I really wish I could have had similar opportunities.
I don't have children, and one of the (many) reasons why is that I'm not confident that we could have managed to pay for private education.

bungaloid · 27/03/2023 15:31

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

BertieBotts · 27/03/2023 15:40

Hbh17 · 27/03/2023 15:29

I think they were fortunate that their parents prioritised their education. My friends who went to private school are lovely people, & I really wish I could have had similar opportunities.
I don't have children, and one of the (many) reasons why is that I'm not confident that we could have managed to pay for private education.

Surely, they were fortunate that their parents were able to prioritise education in that way?

Private school costs thousands and thousands of pounds, I could not imagine earning enough money to be able to afford to send one child let alone several, so it would be a very bizarre reason not to have children to me. Surely it's something only the wealthiest can afford.

holachicas · 27/03/2023 15:41

DH worked at a private school having not liked them for years, he couldn’t believe how confident and socially adjusted. The facilities, etc were also very impressive.

I went to a private school and the opportunities do seem greater, a lot of the teachers had industry experience rather than going straight from university into teaching IYSWIM

Wedoronron · 27/03/2023 15:48

Missed the first thread:
I know lots of people who went to private school. They tend to fall into the following types

  1. Studious, straight laced, confident, nice people, slightly embarrassed about their privilege. Usually quite snobby but hide it (Sunak)
  2. Hugely over confident not very clever but think they are owed the world, snobbish, sexist, classist, loud, generally vile, coke heads (Boris types).
  3. Fuck ups. Not done very well in life in their understanding, feel like failures even if have perfectly good jobs (teachers etc), usually took lots of drugs in their teens (Es and dope).
BiscoffBanana · 27/03/2023 15:50

I have a few friends/ acquaintances who went to private school, they are wildly different personalities though. I reckon those who are entitled dicks would have been exactly the same if they'd gone to state school. Having said that, I don't know anyone who went to boarding school and came out of it unscathed- they all have massive issues.

EmotionalSupportWyrm · 27/03/2023 15:51

StarmanBobby · 27/03/2023 15:10

Thinking about it, the people I know who can afford to go private but haven't, all went to state school themselves. The ones who's kids are at private school went to private school themselves or their DP did.
i.e. There's generational money there.

we moved from london to the home counties because we thought the DC would have a better quality of life and smaller, more human schooling. Ex and his sibling had gone to private school, I had gone to state grammar. Pre-DC I had been a teacher in state schools in London.

In the 18 months before my eldest was due to start at the local high school it went through 6 heads. One removed, one had a breakdown, two were just temp anyway .... the kids were being let down. Due to catchment policy this was our only state option (unless we suddenly converted to catholicism and sent them via a 40 min train journey to a catholic high school in a neighbouring town). So we went private, despite my Ex saying he would never put his DC into private school (He hated it). I pushed for it because I know what a good school looks and feels like and I know what a failing school is. We could only do it with support from Grand Parents.

I think the private school was brilliant for one of my DC, fine for another and maybe not so good for the third whose friends were mainly in the state school and he missed them.

We make the best choices we can for our children in the situation we find ourselves in. Anyone who doesn't is not a good parent, surely? If private looks to be the best choice, for whatever reason, then that's the choice you make if you can afford it. It might be the wrong choice, you just have to go on what you know at the time.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/03/2023 15:54

I went to a terrible state comp and work in a small indie.
Indies produce young people with a stronger sense of self-belief and an understanding of what is needed to make success come to them.

In my own experience of attending and then working in state comps, I would say academic success is not seen as a good thing until exam results day. I taught in tough state schools and I think state kids can lack confidence in a range of areas which indie schools promote.

My friend teaches in a good state comp in quite a posh area, she says behaviour is generally atrocious and that many of the kids come from backgrounds similar to those of the indie we both taught in. She says the difference is the parents don’t have the same “buy in” at the state school, hence the shitty behaviour she is exposed to on a daily basis.

She is moving back to independent Ed next year, she says she would not put her children through state comps if she had the option not to. This I think is very damning and pretty sad.