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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend always cancelling

25 replies

Overthinker09 · 27/03/2023 12:55

I have a friend, we have been friends since we were children but she is always cancelling on me last minute. She has always been kinda flaky so this isn’t new behaviour and we have drifted apart in the past because of this. I’m starting to feel a bit bothered by this again but don’t want to fall out over it. I have held back a bit over the last several years and rarely at I the one to suggest meeting up and it’s usually her that contacts me, fairly regularly to check in etc and it’s usually her who initiates plans with me, rather than the other way around.
my 2 children are teenagers but I do work full time and am married, whereas she doesn’t work and has 3 younger children and is in a long term relationship. Basically without over-labouring the point, she is constantly making plans and then cancelling last minute, sometimes with good reason, but other times in my opinion, less good reason I.e tired or some other plan has come up last minute.
AIBU to think that there is no consideration to my time, as if it is less valuable than hers?
in order to make plans I’m giving up my free time, or moving things around to see her and she cancels last minute. Always apologetic and asking to re-arrange but then does it again next time. It’s probably been around 2 years since I last saw her in person, but we make plans every few months and then she cancels.

OP posts:

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 13:00

Change the dynamic.

Don’t ever move anything else to make yourself available for her. If you are not free at the time she suggests, say so.

When you find yourself available at short notice call her and say ‘are you around this afternoon / tomorrow?

Mary46 · 27/03/2023 13:00

One off fine but if constantly cancelling no. Op I got rid of friends like this just time wasters. I felt it wasnt one off. So I dont suggest things now..

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2023 13:01

Stop making plans

Almostwelsh · 27/03/2023 13:03

Sounds like anxiety to me

Original poster

Overthinker09 · 27/03/2023 13:52

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 13:00

Change the dynamic.

Don’t ever move anything else to make yourself available for her. If you are not free at the time she suggests, say so.

When you find yourself available at short notice call her and say ‘are you around this afternoon / tomorrow?

Agreed, I have done this in previous years and have just stopped making plans but continuing to reply to messages etc and things changed for a while but inevitably slipped back into old patterns. I think I'm just considered to be someone reliable who will always be there to pick up and drop whenever. It just been making me feel really down lately . Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Overthinker09 · 27/03/2023 13:57

Mary46 · 27/03/2023 13:00

One off fine but if constantly cancelling no. Op I got rid of friends like this just time wasters. I felt it wasnt one off. So I dont suggest things now..

I have done the same in the past but then time passes and I give another chance and all if fine but then it just slips back into old patterns. It just rubbish to feel like I'm taken for granted and used for favours. Sometimes the reasons are genuine and I totally get that. I'm just a reliable person and try my absolute best to keep
Plans I've made with people because I hate to let people down

OP posts:

Mary46 · 27/03/2023 15:19

I know op. I just think people suit themselves now..

missmydad76 · 27/03/2023 19:36

Have you tried calling her out on it?

hot2trotter · 27/03/2023 19:38

Almostwelsh · 27/03/2023 13:03

Sounds like anxiety to me

Must say, I'm the same (though probably not quite as bad as OP's friend - I've never gone 2 years without seeing a friend face to face due to repeated cancellations) and it's all down to my anxiety.

JuneBridie · 27/03/2023 19:40

I can’t be arsed with people like this and I don’t put up with it. Everyone has different limits and boundaries but I have zero tolerance for this kind of nonsense. I have a lovely group of friends and we would never treat each other like this. I’ve had this happen in the past and the perpetrators are no longer in my life and are not missed.

Frazzledfraggle07 · 28/03/2023 06:59

Sounds mental health related to me, does she have a good relationship with DP? Could DP be stopping her in someway from meeting up? If you cut ties can you check she is safe first.

LlynTegid · 28/03/2023 07:02

Agree about checking no issues with DP. Perhaps try something arranged last minute? Assuming not a long journey.

snitzelvoncrumb · 28/03/2023 07:03

Just make plans for when it won’t matter if she cancels. Like midweek after work it won’t matter if she suddenly cancels. Don’t give her time you would rather not have plans canceled on.

Namechangeforthis88 · 28/03/2023 07:17

Could you have an actual phone call with her and approach it in a supportive way "Listen, we've made plans 12 times in the last two years to meet up, but every time you have cancelled, I'm concerned about you, what's up?" and try to sound out her mental health and whether her DP is abusive. If she's just selfish and flaky it should bring her up short without you being rude.

If you've had enough, you could end with "I'm always here for you if you need help with anything, but I can't keep making plans with you that get cancelled".

MinnieMountain · 28/03/2023 07:32

Does she manage to see other people?
I had a friend with diagnosed mental health issues, so I gave her lots of chances. Then I realised that she was meeting up with other people and only saw me when she needed something.

shrunkenhead · 28/03/2023 07:40

Call around to her house unnanounced when you know she's likely to be in and suggest going for a coffee, take kids to park etc etc. That way, if you put her on the spot, she'll struggle to think of an excuse. Flaky people will always think of something if they have too much forewarning of an event.

prescribingmum · 28/03/2023 07:42

The PP who asked if she sees other people has hit the nail on the head. If she is, then you can rule out any sort of anxiety and feel zero guilt for not bothering.

I had a friend like this - would always cancel on me but permanently on social media out and about with others. Confronting her nicely just led to sob stories from her (never an explanation why she managed to meet others but not me). It was really tough breaking the friendship as I loved spending time with her (the few times she did bother following through with plans) but I’m so much happier without the stress. As others said, your time is also valuable as are the other people you’ve moved around to try fit her in. She’s not worth the hassle. Continue the phone friendship but only agree to catch up at a time where it won’t be a disappointment if she were to cancel

ExpatInSlavikLand · 28/03/2023 07:45

JuneBridie · 27/03/2023 19:40

Exactly.

OP, stop giving chances to this 'friend'. You're wasting your time and your nerves on her.

If she really did value you and your relationship, she wouldn't keep cancelling.

DropItRound · 28/03/2023 07:54

I have a friend who was always cancelling. I told her how it made me feel. She doesn't do it anymore.

Have you talked to her about it?

Whatfreshhellisthisss · 28/03/2023 07:56

She sounds like she has anxiety/depression

Bearpawk · 28/03/2023 07:58

Not excusing it but if as you say she is always the one to get in touch and make the plans and flu don't bother, perhaps she thinks you won't care if she cancels ?

ShandaLear · 28/03/2023 08:09

She thinks you don’t mind. Tell her you do. I like the PP suggestion above. The next time she cancels say ‘That’s the xx time you’ve cancelled on me this year. Are you ok? If you need support just let me know, but I can’t keep rearranging stuff to see you if you keep cancelling’.

Southeastdweller · 28/03/2023 08:19

So just talk to her about it - better face-to-face (when she's free!) or a phone call rather than a message where things can get misconstrued.

Mumsafan · 28/03/2023 09:08

I had a friend like this and she was also one of DDs GMs,in the end I just didn't bother contacting her at all. Been about 3 years since we spoke now. Haven't missed the hassle one bit.

KnittingNeedles · 28/03/2023 09:13

Yeah I ditched a friend for similar behaviour. She may well have been anxious but her behaviour of being constantly flaky, cancelling, never returning calls, being late was impacting on me and other friends too, one woman very much struggled with self esteem issues and constantly being cancelled on distressed her enormously.

Anxiety/poor mental health may be the reason, but it's not an excuse. You don't need to be friends with anyone who causes you upset/hassle and this friendship just isn't worth it any more. Move on.

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