We have DS who is 11 and has ADHD and a lot of challenging behaviour and DD who is 8. DS is in a specialist school and though he likes a lot of aspects of the school he is still challenging there. He is actually probably better at home -though he is on a hair trigger at both places we find he settles down more easily at home.
We feel like the best ways to help DS are to work out what's an issue for him (but we do not remove everything that's causing him difficulty, partly because we can't - e.g. he slapped me because I turned on the wrong TV for him - I had no idea which one he wanted and I didn't have a problem with him watching the other TV, until he slapped me; and we also know that if he is learning a new skill he will resist as hard as possible but we are not doing everything for him for ever more, though he'd like that) and trying as hard as possible not to react to it.
DH struggles more than me with his behaviour in that he is more likely to be reactive but I can't help myself reacting sometimes and DD shrieks when he does anything to her (ranging from growling at her to attempting to strangle her). DS attacks me more than DH but DH is not exempt either. A few weeks ago we came back from holiday, we asked both DCs to help get bags in the house/sort out what they wanted for dinner/get plates etc. and DS broke a window and a mirror (and quite a few plates).
We called the Social Services emergency number, were told we'd get help and this help consisted of an email detailing the local self-referral for mental health support (we've both maxed out our annual allowance of this) and links to online support groups (for an 11 year old who isn't allowed on the internet on his own and who wouldn't know where to start with this kind of thing anyway, and who says he doesn't want any friends).
Last week he slapped me and pulled my hair when I told him about something we were planning, then threatened to throw a carving knife at me, we called the police who were honestly excellent and said we'd be escalated for additional help. We had a phone call and were told that one person (not two, so as not to overwhelm DS) would come round around tea time as this is a pinch point for us and we really need some advice on how to handle it.
What we got was Early Help were two people (sigh) came round and... you guessed it... gave us links to online groups, hilariously told us about a "group for 0-11 year olds with SEN" which I was slightly puzzled about in January as it meets at 1.30 on a school day so I rang up and they said "It's a typo, it's for 0-5". They are the third group to tell us about this "group". They said they can't give us any direct advice. They also suggested a parenting course!
Last time Early Help came round they suggested sticker charts and that we should "stick some house rules on the fridge". Oh, and a parenting course (we actually did one that was semi-helpful, directed at children with ADHD.)
Both DCs are adopted but when we have asked for help from the Adoption Support Fund it has either been things we cannot access or things we know DS won't participate in (e.g. parenting courses that we must both attend when we have no babysitting, but they won't accept us unless we both attend, or a therapy session on Zoom that would take DS out of school for a day a week and we'd both have to reduce our working hours just to do it).
I am currently seeing a counsellor privately and I try to do things that help me stay calm (mainly exercise/Pilates at the moment but I've also done a lot of mindfulness in the past). I'm doing better than DH at reacting to DS and I think this helps but I'm not perfect and I don't think DH feels able to help himself at the moment. DS knows which buttons to press (I'm going to break your glasses Daddy) and DH responds. I've asked DH not to even discuss what we are doing in front of DS because DS has the idea that Daddy would let him do what he wanted if it wasn't for stupid Mummy, but DH gets wound up too and tends to tell me I won't let him have any ideas (not helpful, DH, not helpful).
We've asked for mental health support for us (I think DH would do something that was "provided for him" but he doesn't have any confidence that a "mindfulness course" would help him or that he'd even be able to do it, and we've asked for direct advice in the home about how to deal with DS. We've also asked for respite. We are waiting for a disability team assessment but last time we asked we were told DS "isn't disabled enough".
How is there NOTHING for us? We are at the point where we cannot keep DD safe, and when DS is bigger then him attacking me will not just be annoying/causing bruises but actively unsafe. We can't even find anything that we can pay for (we are both professionals and we can pay for help in the home/courses/counselling/respite but can't find anything that helps, or any carers who can cope with DS). Being professionals seems to work against us TBH - we are supposed to be free to go to lots of parenting courses during school hours, and not to question what we are told, but if the social workers say "oh you should do this parenting course or go to this group" we are supposed to say "oh yes thank you we are much better now" but instead I look up the parenting course and find that it has no proven outcomes with children of his age with ADHD, or that the group isn't actually for his age, or in fact doesn't exist.
Do they actually want us to put DS in foster care? Is that what they think we should do? Or for a vulnerable 11 year old who needs a hug at bedtime to go to boarding school? Or are they going to wait till it breaks down even further and DD is actually hurt badly and then she will be removed?
Is there actually anybody that the current system helps? Does a parenting course and a sticker chart make a difference to any families who have a child older than a toddler? We aren't even in the worst possible situation - I know there are families with teenagers that are even harder to deal with and have much more power in the household, and children with much less manageable disabilities than our DS who need physical help, who don't sleep etc. etc.
Well done if you've made it to the end! If you have any experience at all of anything that ACTUALLY HELPS I'd love to hear it but if you are also in the same boat please feel free to vent as well.