DM is lukewarm about my boyfriend

[Garu]

Have posted about this before. My new boyfriend of 9 months has met my parents a few times now. Most people who meet him like him, he’s a solid guy. We are both late 20s and he’s the first guy I’ve ever brought home to meet them, I don’t have a history of awful relationships which have involved my parents picking up the pieces or anything like that. I had naively hoped my mum would be excited for me.

my dad really likes him but DM is lukewarm which seems jarring compared to other family members (my brother, my cousin, who like him a lot or at least have said they do). She just says he’s a nice lad and then changes the subject.

I find it awkward and sad - not because I want to discuss him at length but because I respect their opinion and their thoughts and it feels lukewarm and like she wants to criticise so is instead damning with faint praise. I would welcome her thoughts on things and how compatible she thinks we are as this is a new relationship for me and I appreciate she has life experience I don’t have. All she says is “well as long as you’re happy then that’s all that matter” which again just feels like side stepping the question.

we both have good jobs and are earning good money so have booked a few treats in for ourselves, which obviously we are paying for. My parents are very well off but she really doesn’t like the idea of us “wasting our money” - despite us working really hard to do this! It seems joyless and sad.

I feel like ultimately this will take us further apart as she is refusing to engage with what seems like a big part of my life. She will gush so much about other friends and family’s partners and always seemed desperate for me to meet someone… and now I have, nothing… it hit home last week when my male boss who is in his 50s was more excited to learn about my relationship than my own mother.

worth saying I was a high achieving child and teenage and nothing felt good enough then. So this sort of feels like an extension of an old wound.

I would welcome her thoughts on things and how compatible she thinks we are as this is a new relationship for me and I appreciate she has life experience I don’t have

Hmmm, I'm not really sure why you want this. You've known the guy 9 months whereas they have only met him a few times- why would you expect them to have any particular insight? It sounds as if you're putting much to much weight on their approval. Yes, it would be nice if your mum gushed over your boyfriend but it sounds as if she's being perfectly polite. Maybe don't force the issue by asking her so much- trust your own judgement.

Maybe you want your Mum to approve more of him?
It's still early days and perhaps he hasn't made that good an impression as you might hope.
Perhaps she does have reservations about him.
She probably realises you do like him and is avoiding getting drawn in because she doesn't want to express an opinion you won't like.
Give it time. If he's a decent bloke she will see that. On the other hand,.if she's being a bit unfair, you will know for yourself if you like him or not.

Yes it’s early days. I know when you love someone you want your family to love them too, but it’ll come in time

Perhaps she just needs to see sustained kindness and effort from him, towards you. It’s always hard to say without knowing the people. If you’re happy she will come to be happy!

My family hate my partner but I don't give a fuck because he makes ME happy 😃

I used to get upset over it but not anymore. Life is too short and we've got an amazing little baba together who my parents love and that's all that matters.

I think you need to work out if this behaviour from your mum would be the same whoever you were seeing, or if it’s just this boyfriend.

Things like; no one will ever be good enough for my Dd, or this looks serious, she’ll want to spend less time with me, or jealousy that you are very happy.

Perhaps ask your dad what she is saying?

Perhaps it is an extension of her treating you as if you’ll never be good enough. If so, this is her problem, not yours.

If he is the first guy you have brought home to meet your parents, i can guarantee 100% that your mothers lukewarm reception is because she sees you happy with this guy and sees him as someone who is going to take you away from her, and she does not like that.

@Isheabastard

i love my mum very much but honestly your second paragraph resonates.

I saw both parents with bf and appreciate they have been married for decades but the differences were stark. He gave me a kiss as we were waiting in line and all I could hear was my mum barking at my long suffering dad like a naughty child for apparently walking too quickly away from her / not walking with her. I wonder if she sees us as a new couple and just feels a bit bitter about it.

I also think there may be an element of nothing being good enough.

I'm not particularly fussed on dd's girlfriend. It is not as someone bizarrely said up thread anything to do with jealousy, I'm just not fussed on her. The number of people who do like her is irrelevant, I'm not one of them. She may grow on me or she may not but as long as DD is happy, it's none of my business. However, I'm not going to gush about her to placate DD, and I'm not going to moan about her. I'm polite and as warm as I can be toward her, but I'm not going to pretend I think she's wonderful.

Lots of things could you be going on here. Maybe your mum is struggling with the prospect of your life moving on, you no longer being her little girl but potentially having a family of your own. Maybe she fears change in your close family unit. Maybe she's jealous you're happy. Maybe there's something about him that grates on her. (I don't really agree that 9 months is particularly early days btw.)

What stands out for me is how much her approval seems to mean to you. While I wouldn't go as far as saying I don't care what my family think of my prospective partners, and while I would listen if they actively disliked someone or had specific concerns, I wouldn't give a second thought to a response like your mum's. I also don't agree that your mum could impart particular wisdom or insight. All relationships are different, and only you really know what yours is like. She can't possibly know how compatible you are, because she would need to know him intimately to judge that - never mind you. You sound a bit dependent on her blessing - maybe what you describe, a bit of distance, wouldn't be such a bad thing?

I guess what your mums essentially saying is 'What would I know' and that her opinion genuinely is neutral. It is the first BF youve really introduced and her own relationship is very different from yours ls she generally a critical, picky person? Maybe if she hasn't criticised that's as good as it gets. Forget it's your relationship and compare it to other life events...GCSEs, ALevels, getting into uni or your first job, passing your driving test, winning the school dance competition...maybe praise just isn't her way. Maybe when/if you marry she'll be the sort to tell you 'as long as you like it' when you try on your dream gown.
In general perhaps it's time you stopped seeking approval from your mum. Work on yourself (isn't that what they say?) and enjoy your journey.

@JudgeRudy

”Maybe if she hasn't criticised that's as good as it gets. Forget it's your relationship and compare it to other life events...GCSEs, ALevels, getting into uni or your first job, passing your driving test, winning the school dance competition...maybe praise just isn't her way.”

wow this is insightful! I pretty much got the top grades in my year group at school and was told exactly that, as long as you’re happy with them, they’re for you not for me. My mum is not and has never expressed being proud of me… she recently admitted her own mum had never done it to her etc etc but I wanted to cry - can’t you see you are just repeating the same toxic behaviour? Equally I should not give her a hard time and accept it for what it is! I just know that is not how I will parent my children.

Bf’s parents are warm and kind. I think I see in them what I don’t see in my own parents, eg when they met me they told him I was “wonderful” and always give me a hug and kiss when we meet. I think there is probably a lot to unpack here!

i think also the first few months of our relationship were a blissful honeymoon period and now it’s still good but some of the realities are showing on both sides. So I was proud and excited to see him in my parents’ eyes and hear what they thought. Definitely placing too much expectation on them both there.

Honestly OP, this kind of stuff is par for the course.

I mean that kindly.

My DH's family express their disapproval of our relationship subtly, and we think it's because he left the rest of the family in his home city and moved to be with me.

These things happen. We're not planning to divorce over it.

Try not to worry so much about what your mum thinks - it sounds like she might be one of those who is never really happy tbh.