Did/does he take advantage?

[Feckinlego]

Had an awful argument with my lovely long suffering dh last night and I feel terrible, though I'm unsure if I'm wrong.
I have a drink problem. When I drink I drink too much, to thr point I'm drunk. This is most nights. I'm working really hard to change this. Last night was a typical night, I drank too much. When we went to bed dh tried to have sex like he usually does. He knows not to try When I'm sober. I said no this time, I'm not comfortable with being taken advantage of. Well he got so upset as you can imagine. I am devastated I upset him when he's working so hard to help me. But I'm not sure if I'm wrong. I said it the wrong way for sure. Aibu?

You said no to sex, he got upset, and now you’re devastated? Why? You’re allowed to say no, him getting upset about that is pathetic and entitled.

Are you getting help with your drinking?

Why does he ‘know not to try’ when you’re sober? Are you saying you don’t ever want to have sex when sober, so the only sex that happens is when you’re too drunk for consent?

What help are you getting for your alcohol issues? Maybe you need support/counselling around sex as well ("He knows not to try when I'm sober." And then saying "I'm not comfortable with being taken advantage of.").

He was devastated that I said he was taking advantage, not that I said no. He would never do that he's a good man. I am in the process of getting help but I've just slipped back to my old ways recently. I do consent. I think I just blew it up to be something bigger than it needed to be. I have some major apologising to do.

What do you mean - taking advantage? I'm guessing if he waited until you were sober to approach sex, you'd never have sex ever.

Sorry OP, I think you are the problem here. Must be a nightmare living with someone who is drunk every night - I'm surprised he hasn't left you.

Well if my DH was an alcoholic who got drunk every night and then accused me to being rapey for trying to be intimate with him (assuming your DH was "Normal" about this and not pushy etc) I would be pretty upset too.

Sort your drinking problem out OP.

Apparently he knows not to try when OP is sober either.

It's a difficult one. You've said you don't want sex when you're sober yet you don't want sex when you're drunk. Is there a golden hour where you might possibly want sex? Do you let him know? Do you approach him?

I'd say given that you've now made it clear that you don't want sex with him (let's assume it wasn't clear before) and he's presummably complied (ie not a rapist) I'd say your marriage is over. Leave him and allow him the chance of a half decent life then decide if you want the same and seek assistance.

So you're an alcoholic, who's intimacy with your husband only occurs when you're drunk, which you're usually fine with, but this time you've decided he's trying to 'take advantage' of you? I'm not surprised he's upset at the insinuation of rape.

I am confused, before this incident had you made clear you didn’t want sex with him at all. Drunk or sober. And now feel that he tried when you were drunk knowing you previously told him sex was off the table. Yes that would be taking advantage.

But I can’t work out if that’s the case or not

He was taking advantage though - he knew you’d say no and thought he’d try because you were drunk

But if you’re drunk most nights then it makes sense that when your dp does try to initiate contact then you’re likely to be drunk. Unless I’ve misinterpreted what you have written?

Honestly, it sounds like you desperately need help with your drink problem. Dp is naturally hurt that you accused him of taking advantage of you

No means no, whatever the circumstances.

However, if 'no', and he backed off, but you continued to accuse him of taking advantage, then YABU (for what you said, not for saying no). In this instance, in your drunken state, it would appear that you said something to be hurtful.

If you said no, and he continued to try it on, then he is being massively unreasonable, and I'm not surprised that you said something to make him back off and think.

Either way, it seems like you need help with your drinking OP, and I really hope you get that.

Why does he know not to try when you're sober?

He shouldn't be trying to initiate sex when you're drunk. That is taking advantage if he knows you'll say no when you're sober.

But if this has been the standard in your relationship and you've changed your mind and gone on the attack all of a sudden I can see why he's upset.

Seek professional help for your alcoholism op.

If you're drunk most nights I'm not sure that this incident is the worst of your issues, and it's probably the latest in a long line of bullshit for your "long suffering" DP.

Get things in perspective, accept what he's been through lately, and show him with your actions that you're sorting yourself out. Focus on getting support with your alcohol addiction, not on a one off row and who's in the "wrong".

You're alcoholic and you did what alcoholics do. Drunkenly said something you knew or didn't care, would be hurtful to your partner. You implied he has taken advantage every time you have had sex in the past, because you're drunk every night, and therefore accused him of something awful.

Go to the doctors. You're a mess.

Are you with him just because he's supporting/ enabling your drinking as you don't want him when sober?

You say you are working hard on your alcoholism and DH is too. What are you both doing to get you the help you need?