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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to move house?

23 replies

Berrocan · 26/03/2023 21:28

Current area: north of England. Quiet, friendly, lovely community, good schools. Kids settled at school and DP happy at work. We have lived here for 10 years, originally moved for DPs job.

New area: 3-4 hours further South. Nearer to all our old friends and our parents, although they are all quite scattered around. More cultural buzz and lovely countryside, but much more expensive so less house for our money.

I want to move, DP doesn’t. At this point we could both transfer jobs relatively easily and could afford new area (albeit in a smaller/less nice house). He thinks we’re settled and it’s not worth it. I’m desperately missing family and think as parents age it would be much easier if we were closer. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Berrocan · 26/03/2023 21:49

??!

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 26/03/2023 21:52

Berrocan · 26/03/2023 21:49

??!

It’s only been 20 minutes, have some patience :)
It’s a joint decision, and no one person’s view is more or less valid than the other’s.

When you originally moved, was the possibility of moving back ever discussed?

Original poster
Berrocan · 26/03/2023 22:13

: ) no it wasn’t. I don’t think we realised how hard it would be to be so far away:

OP posts:
venusandmars · 26/03/2023 22:37

Does you dh agree with feeling it is hard to be away?

What would be the best/worst aspects of moving? How do you imagine life would be? Are you dreaming of being able to visit friends and family more regularly for day visits? What if that didn't actually happen - if your friends already had other commitments most weekends.

How old are your children and how easily do you think they would make new? friends (some do some find it more of a challenge)? What are the advantages of the bigger / nicer house that you live in now and what compromises would have have to make in your living, relaxing, entertaining spaces?

Atteloiv · 26/03/2023 22:43

That’s really tricky, but if you agreed to live North and the rest of the family are happy there I don’t think you can insist they all move South. What if they’re unhappy after the move? Your happiness doesn’t trump theirs.

I get it. But you have to live with the decision you made, at least until the children are done with school. I’m sorry. 😖

Maybe negotiate with DH to have lots of trips South to see family?

Original poster
Berrocan · 26/03/2023 22:48

DP sees how I feel but isn’t that bothered himself. Kids are still fairly young so I think would adapt. We are renting now but would try to buy if we moved - we’d end up will less space and a smaller garden, but it would still be enough I think. Yes I am hoping to see more of friends but not expecting to see them weekly or anything.

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 26/03/2023 23:34

It's been a decade. Don't you have any roots in your new area? Mum friends, work friends, neighbours?

Are your friends back home in the same stage of life as you? Do they also have kids? How near to them would you actually be? Popping round distance or still occasional get togethers every few weeks?

Be sure that this is really about area and not you trying to fix another area of life before uprooting your family, especially when they are settled.

Where is your DH's family in relation to either area?

NoSquirrels · 26/03/2023 23:38

How close would you live to family?

Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 07:21

We’d be much nearer mine and DPs family. We wouldn’t necessarily be popping in every day but could see them so much more easily. At the moment it’s basically a whole day of motorway driving.
Where we are now is a small Yorkshire village: wonderful scenery, lovely community, great people BUT even after all this time we are still outsiders and don’t really have close friends. We’ve tried really hard but the (lovely) acquaintances we have don’t need more friends as they grew up here. Life isn’t terrible but it is lonely.

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TimeForTeaAndG · 27/03/2023 09:50

I understand how you feel. We moved to a small coastal town for DHs job and basically still have no friends here beyond people you say hello to as you pass them in the shops. It can be really hard to fit in to an established small community unless you have time to be doing the local hobby groups or volunteer for things.

We are planning on a move in the next couple of years.

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2023 09:55

Neither of you are being unreasonable but I would not have huge expectations of more social times with family. There was a thread from someone in Australia who was moving back to the UK in the hopes of increasing time with family and she was really disappointed that it just didn’t happen because people had their own lives/routines.

Itsbytheby · 27/03/2023 09:59

Neither of you are wrong really. But I would offer this perspective. Often it's a lovely thought to be near friends, but given it's been 10 years there is every chance that those friends very much have their own lives and you wouldn't really see them much more than you do now. So, honestly, I wouldn't move from a lovely areas with good schools and where the family is happy just to hope to spend more time with friends you've not been close with for 10 years.

Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 12:58

I have kept closely in touch with old friends and am close to my brothers and sisters despite the distance, so I do feel there is a realistic prospect of seeing them. In fact I feel like everyone wants to see more of us and I'm torn because there are so many people and all so far away. Schools are also great in the new area. The only downside is the upheaval and expense, but I figured that since we don't own our place anyway that's not so bad. If we wait until kids finish school that's 16 years! Youngest is only 2. I'm also wary of living a half-life where we do school/work in Yorkshire and then spend the holidays travelling around visiting. It's funny because the lack of social life doesn't bother my DP at all, but it really bothers me. I have made huge efforts to make real friends but I can tell that they're busy with their own families and old school friends.

OP posts:
cheatingcrackers · 27/03/2023 13:15

I don't think you or your DH are being unreasonable. We live a long way away from friends and family. We have a great circle of very close and supportive friends here, but if we didn't, I think we would've had more of a conversation about moving (it did come up once but we decided against it pretty quickly).

Holidays spent driving around visiting family are not ideal IME because nobody gets the best of you (kids are often tired from hours in the car and lots of different places to stay) and you also don't get much chance to travel to places that you really want to visit but where you don't know anybody!

Your youngest is 2, how old are your other DC?

StaringAtTheWater · 27/03/2023 14:48

I sympathise OP, and in your shoes I'd want to move too. I think it comes down to how old your older kids are and how entrenched their friendships are?

Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 15:12

The older ones are DTs aged 8

OP posts:
Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 17:42

And they don’t mind the idea of moving. They’d quite like to be nearer grandma. But obviously they can’t understand all the implications

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Playdoughcaterpillar · 27/03/2023 17:46

I think given you've been there 10y and still have few friends I'd move. Even if your old friends don't see as much of you as you'd like, I'm sure your family will be keen to see you. Do it soon though before DTs at secondary

FlounderingFruitcake · 27/03/2023 17:50

There’s no way that I’d want to stay in an area where after a decade the best you have are acquaintances. That you feel like outsiders is completely at odds with what you say in your OP about it being a friendly community. At that age the kids will be fine. Obviously getting your DH on board is another matter and his opinion is as valid as your but absolutely YANBU.

FizzyWineAndCrisps · 27/03/2023 17:52

I think given you have lived away from your hometown for 10 years you need to be realistic in your expectations if you move back. The people who still live there will have their routines and things they do now without you there and you might not slot back into your old life as easily as you think.

Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 18:08

Everyone is friendly and I do things like yoga and book group and the kids are invited to birthday parties etc. I know dozens of people to chat to. But either they don’t need friends or there is a different expectation of friendship to what I’m used to. We are not invited to peoples houses as a family and I only really know one person I could go out/go for coffee with. I’ve tried inviting people and they might come but it’s never reciprocated.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 27/03/2023 19:10

@Berrocan

DP sees how I feel but isn’t that bothered himself.

Given you've given this a good try, initially for his job, Could/would you move without him? 🌹

Original poster
Berrocan · 27/03/2023 19:52

Probably not @Newestname002 much as I might like to threaten to!

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