To expect my in laws to sometimes pay for gifts

[Johlla]

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not.
My wife and I are Asian, I was born here whilst she is from ‘back home’.
Whenever she wants clothes from ‘back home’ she will send money to her parents to buy the clothes and send here.
Her parents have never refused my wife’s money and she often sends more money than required so her mother can buy clothes herself.
My in laws are fairly well off, they have money to spare, so I have always found it odd that they would accept money from her. In our culture it’s considered embrassing to take any form of money from your children. she becomes very defensive about this so I haven’t really brought it up.
the issue I now have is that my wife expects my parents to provide a loan to help fund our new house move. My parents aren’t massively well off but do have some savings they can help us with.
I feel embarrassed asking because it seems unreasonable to expect mine to fund a house move whilst she doesn’t want her parents to spend a penny

Irrelevant what her parents do, you can't ask your own parents to help pay for you move, unless you are otherwise going to be homeless.

What did your wife say when you told her it was unreasonable to expect yours to cough up but not hers?

Actually it's nearly always the opposite l have found in the community l am from. South Asian myself, wife's parents are not expected to contribute anything to daughters marital home or life and it's because it will be to the benefit of the son in law and not the daughter parents home/life.

It's the same in my family, wouldn't even be considered to get anything from parents for nothing once married. Son in laws parents are expected to make contributions. Unfortunately, my husband has never received anything from his parents, not a loan or anything. He even paid for his own wedding.

Same for me, always paid my own way and parents never given me anything including any money for loan.

I’d say it differs from family to family as to what is expected. My parents are far from wealthy but used their life savings for my wedding and my brothers weddings. It is the expectation that that the son’s parents help with the purchase of a house , but my husbands parents didn’t help us.
My dad paid helped my brothers with their deposits and gave me some in the form of gold . I buy my mum things whenever I want , I also work. I don’t contribute to their household but I treat my mum when I can . My dad is no longer with us and i would have done the same . If your wife doesn’t work in paid employment, it probably feels a bit cheeky to you , I get that . I am Muslim so in reality if I didn’t work in paid employment my work at home would be deemed enough for husband to look after me financially and the onus is on him to provide. He would have to buy the house on his own and expect help from family . In turn I probably wouldn’t spend as much as I do . All about give and take . Definitely worth a discussion, taking into account religion/ upbringing.
good luck 🤞

In my family, females wouldn't be expected to be depended on financially. We would see what your wife does as giving their mum/ dad a treat. And we have married into your family, given up our lives, uprooted ourselves and so yes your inlaws should support us. Not saying this is right or wrong, but this is the thought process.
Am likely projecting here, but as a female, I have been limited in life experiences and opportunities due to my gender. So in some ways, being financially looked after , provides a little reward for being bottom of the pile.

They’re obviously not well off so? Maybe what you see is through debt?

Yet another baffling post on MN where the obvious answer is: Talk to each other.

Explain your parents are not very well off, certainly not more so than hers are and you do not feel at all comfortable asking them for a loan when she is sending money to her own family even though they don't need it. Have a grown up, adult to adult, spouse to spouse conversation about income, outgoings and financial priorities.