AIBU: living in supposedly one of the best towns in the UK, but miserable

[Thelittlekingdom]

A few years ago we moved back to where DH and I grew up. We moved back as we had three young kids, all close in age and two had complex special needs. We moved as we had a set of parents here and to be honest I was very low and isolated where we were living as the younger years were very very hard. Parents weren’t keen to move and it seemed a good idea.

The town is quite sought after but at 18 I couldn’t wait to get out and went to Newcastle to University the teen years were tough and I was badly bullied and was on one occasion physically assaulted so my memories of the town aren’t very positive.

I thought moving back with kids and family support things would be good. It’s been a really isolating experience. Raising kids with Sen was really tough and it was hard to integrate into toddler groups (the lady who ran one group after the session finished asked us not to come back as my son wanted to dance and not sit with me like kids were meant to). There were issues with nursery and schools and it has left me worn down. My sons now both attend specialist schools.

I would like to be near the sea and more of the outdoors. I’ve raised it with my DH (who is reasonably happy here) about moving in the future as I don’t want to disrupt the kids education but my DH keeps saying “a place is just a place”. But I feel miserable here. I work, look after the kids and I feel like I’m not getting any of what I need. AIBU to be miserable here? Or is a place just a place? I just feel there’s a lot of awful memories here. Outside of a set of parents, we have no friends here. Ideally I’d like to move back to Newcastle so I wouldn’t be going anywhere too isolated or rural.

I've lived all over (including several different countries) and I really don't think a place is just a place. Also 'desirable' places really aren't desirable for everyone. I spent several years as a newish parent in a very very sought after / much lauded on Mumsnet town and was thoroughly miserable. Moving away was like a weight lifting off my shoulders. So I would definitely explore relocating

Sounds like a safe shit shinier bucket scenario to me. Maybe explore options to make your life easier first

I live in a desirable nappy-valley area of London. When we moved there it had grit and people I could relate to. Now it's utterly vapid of any character and the incomers are rude. We are moving as soon as we can. A place is not just a place. You need community, familiarity and a sense of roots being put down. If you don't feel at ease where you are, you need to campaign to live somewhere that you do.

I’m so sorry that’s been your experience OP. Raising kids with SEN is really tough and really isolating. It sounds like you haven’t had a welcoming community. I also get not wanting to disrupt your sons if their school places are mostly working for them at the moment.

If it were me, I would think about the activities that could lift my spirits if I were just with my DH and DC - for me that would be easy access to the countryside, ideally hills or the coast, easy access to some museums and one or two decent restaurants, and room to have my few close friends and family visit. And pick a place that gave me those opportunities for when the kids finish school.

Same @Thelittlekingdom - I've had enough of the small townery of Truro.

I wish we never moved back :(

Personally I'd wait until the kids finish school, they're settled and happy where they are (I'm assuming) and would probably find it quite hard if they have SEN to move house and school all in one go. You might also have a whole load of new school issues finding a suitable school with space to take them both.

I feel like you might move but then find you've just taken all your problems with you and you aren't any happier after all.

Do you ever get a break? Could you organise a weekend away by yourself to Newcastle while DH looks after the kids - or for the two of you if grandparents will help out? Having a bit of time out like that might mean you can recharge your batteries and help you cope with staying where you are for now perhaps.

Where are you currently? How long since you moved back?

My main concern would be what are the specialist schools like in Newcastle? The provision across the UK is not uniform, and it could be you either struggle to get places, or that the environment/style is very different to what you have now.

Also, you originally moved back for grandparent support. Has that changed? If you currently use grandparents for a lot, moving will pull away a lifeline you might be taking for granted and you will find you have even less time for yourself. Similarly if parents are still around d but aging, will you be trying to balance their care from a long way away, which could be much more stressful?

Saying all that, I don't believe a place is just a place. For me, the countryside is nothing short of restorative. Living in a small village compared to a town (I realise not your scenario) has reduced my day to day stress and made me a happier and more functional person. If.visitng the sea on a weekly basis fo blow out the cobwebs is your thing, it's important you put that high on your list of pros and cons.
However, if you're basing just off a city you liked as a student, I think you need more - uni life is so different from life with a family, especially with sen involved. Things that were great - bars, restaurants, public transport etc - suddenly don't matter so much or your needs change.
Essentially try and work out if it's something concrete you are after or it is a grass is greener, general dissatisfaction feeling you're trying to solve. One will make the upheaval worth it, and the other will bring only further frustration.

I’m in the a place is just a place camp (with a caveat for safety and availability of necessities).

you might find a place you enjoy living more, but it won’t solve real underlying issues. If you are depressed and miserable, you are going to be depressed and miserable wherever you go.

Thanks everyone. I’ve heard from my husband a place is just a place so many times, I was beginning to doubt myself. I’m resigned to not moving until the kids finish education as we’d need to find a mainstream, moderate specialist school and a complex needs school along with going through the ehcp process with a new council.

My DH is very involved with our oldest (neurotypical) son’s football, he goes to the gym and has a job he enjoys (I’ve been stuck on the job front as I’ve had to take something that is term time only) so he’s fairly satisfied so doesn’t get why I’d like more countryside and the sea when I could trot around what is essentially farmers fields. He’s only ever lived here and a nearby city. We’ve been here now about 10 years and it’s the South East.

I think maybe booking a weekend away is a good idea. Our eldest usually does a lot of sport that takes up most weekends but maybe DH will have to get his parents to step in if I’m away.

We go up to Newcastle/Northumberland once a year so I’ve been as an adult rather than just a student. I’ve held off pushing for a move now as I’m unsure what specialist provision is like elsewhere and don’t want to risk it whilst the kids are settled but I’d like to consider it once they’re finished education.

I might be miserable if we move. But I feel I need that real outdoors where I can go to the beach, hike, walk and there’s a wider range of activities to balance out being a carer.

It does sound like you're looking for the answer in geography when the problem isn't really about that. Which doesn't mean your issues with your current place aren't valid, course they are, but you'd have other issues elsewhere and the difficulties raising sen DC wouldn't go away and would arguably be worse starting from scratch with the schools. I know when I start wishing I lived in other places that would make me happier, it's when something's missing in my life here - usually work-related for me - and when I manage to fix that for the time being, the wishing to move away vanishes. So it was never about that really, and wherever I'd go, I'd still be me with the same issues to deal with.

Equally there's no reason why the reputation of your current place being desirable should translate into people there feeling happier. People are miserable in palaces. The real outdoors can be as miserable as anywhere else. I feel like the answer has to be to somehow get more time for yourself, to find something that fills you up more and makes you feel less miserable, and that should be possible without moving away. If you agree to stay, would your DH be supportive of you getting more time to yourself as part of that compromise?

I’m also not sure op, I’m sorry, I think it’s important to understand if the issue is fundamentally where you live or if it’s life if that makes sense. Because you could uproot yourselves and find the unhappiness remains.

I moved back to where I grew up. On the face of it very nice town. I just found it claustrophobic really. 19 years later completely relocated and feel much happier now!

A place is definitely not just a place, but it sounds like there may be other ways to improve your life and that moving wouldn’t solve everything unfortunately.

(Im wondering if you’re near me? Berkshire? There’s certainly lots of country side if thats your thing…)

@Thelittlekingdom Collingwood school in Morpeth is a good school for autistic children.
I lived in Northumberland for 13 years.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if it’s me or whether I’m just unhappy here. I think living here unfortunately has some really unhappy memories for me now. I’ve wondered how I could improve my life. My husband has a few hobbies that take up time in the week and my son’s sport takes most of the weekend though my husband does try and make sure we go somewhere else and different.

Part of it I think is life, but I can’t balance out my life with hikes, forest and walks, beach walks, outdoor things as it’s just not possible here. The outdoors for me resets me. Some of it I think is because there’s little joy in my life - my job definitely isn’t what I’d choose but I’m very limited by needing something term time only. I recently changed jobs but to be honest, it hasn’t made a lot of difference.

I think I’m resigned to waiting until the kids finish school and we move to adult services which throw up more complications. We’re not best placed for that in our county as we’re in the wrong bit for it.

I totally think living in somewhere that doesn't feel right can really affect your mental health but I would be very nervous about moving two children in specialist schools and starting again with another LA. It looks as if that is the conclusion you are reaching. Can we help you come up with strategies to feel happier in the meantime? Can you afford some breaks away? Are there any other social avenues to explore where you are?

I'm with you, OP. Where I live makes me miserable and affects my physical health too. DH says much the same as yours.

@Spanielsarepainless, it’s really hard when your DH doesn’t get it. Mine is happy as he plays in the local darts team and goes to the gym and is really invested in our son’s footy team. I guess for him, he’s fulfilled enough.

@Almahart, I don’t see a move I think until they’ve done education. The stress I think would be immense.

I’ve said to my DH about the odd weekend away when our eldest has no sport but he’s never really onboard (we have enough money for the odd weekend away). But I think because it’s not something he’s bothered about he’s not fussed but maybe I need to push ahead and go and do it on my own to alleviate some of the boredom of living here.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your DH and really lay it out how unhappy you are, and that booking small things to get you a change of scenery is extremely important to you. Even having something booked in will make you feel better - the anticipation and also the project of booking and planning. It sounds like you need to say “I am not happy here, I know it is too difficult to move, but please I need this”.