Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Baby shower

14 replies

jamdodgers · 26/03/2023 14:59

Hello

I have name changed but I'm a regular MN poster/user.

My DH has arranged a surprise baby shower which I've found out about accidentally as his work iPad is connected to his WhatsApp and it was going off continuously and he was asleep so I thought it may be something serious and better check, it was a group chat.

I didn't want a baby shower, it's not me. It's my first baby and it's took 10 years for us to get here. I don't like being the centre of attention however my Aunt (who helped raise me along with my Grandparents) LOVES organising and planning little do's for the people she loves and asked me if she could arrange a quiet afternoon tea or something similar with 5 of my close friends and 3 family members, I thought this was a lovely idea.

In the meantime, my DH has started arranging a surprise one without knowing my Aunt was planning on doing a little something and I know this has come from a good place. I think it's got out of hand and he lost control of it. My Mum (who I have a strained relationship with), my Aunt, my MIL and cousin were put in charge of organising and my Aunt didn't want to step on his toes so stopped planning it herself. All of a sudden 40 people are invited, it's being held in a hall as it's too much of a large group to have afternoon tea or similar, there is a balloon arch being made etc etc.

I told my Aunt today that I knew about it as she took me out for dinner. She looked so relieved and said she was glad I'd found out as it's been worrying her. She knows this kind of thing would cause me anxiety but didn't want to upset DH so she stopped reading the group chat messages and just thought she would turn up on the day and apologise to me as she felt she'd let me down, I obviously reassured her that I would never think this and I don't blame her for putting the group on silent and not getting involved.

My Mum is an alcoholic, 2 of my Dad's exes have been invited (Mum to my siblings and although I get on with them I wouldn't have asked them to come), my Stepmum who has been married to my Dad for years, this is a whole predicament in itself and so awkward as they don't get along with my Mum due to her mistreatment of me. An estranged aunt has somehow been added into the group (her and my Uncle are selfish and nasty) so after my Grandparents passed I didn't feel the need to have any contact.

On top of that, my Mum has obviously had a drink and posted in there about how my Grandparents would love to see all of them come together over this baby as there has been friction for many years and how she's missed speaking to my estranged aunt bla bla this has been said in front of a few female colleagues who ended up in the group, all of my friends etc when they already know I had a turbulent childhood and it's so embarrassing that they've seen these messages.

So yeah, it's just a big nightmare for me. I don't want any of it. I want it all cancelled. I don't want a balloon arch, I don't want 40 people, I don't want my Dad's exes all in a room together feeling awkward, I don't want my Mum posting drunk ramblings in a chat that my friends and colleagues have access too. I'm so upset about it all.

How do I tell DH to cancel this without upsetting him and everyone else?

OP posts:

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 26/03/2023 15:05

You need to be honest with him ASAP as it sounds like it's snowballed and he's lost control of it, so he will probably be relieved.

I think you'll just have to be brutally honest and say you don't want it to happen. I imagine if you try a softly-softly approach he won't fully grasp what you're saying and will think a toned down shower will still be okay.

Be honest. Be upfront. Be clear.

CockPits · 26/03/2023 15:12

I hate this trend of making everything a public event, YANBU tell him to cancel it. I’d hate this for the same reasons as you and it’s all about brown fluffy blankets that you thought were orange to go with the cushions for autumn

minou123 · 26/03/2023 15:14

I'm afraid you're going to have to tell him you know about it.

I think there is a way you can tell him without him getting upset. Tell him you love him for being thoughtful and trying his best to do something lovely for you and you know its from a good place. Its just not something you want to happen because of...<list eveything you've said here> and that you'd rather hr cancelled it. I'm sure both of yiu can come up wuthba good excuse.

As for upsetting everyone else, some might be, some might not be. For those who you care about, I'm sure they'll get the opportunity to visit you and the baby in the future, so they won't be bothered about it for long.

lv884 · 26/03/2023 16:14

Hey OP. Huge congratulations on your pregnancy - especially after so long. That’s such wonderful news.

I can understand why your DH wants to make this a special time. But I would also hate a baby shower, even if much smaller. I’m the sort who would be mortified to have a small birthday party.

I was very nervous throughout my pregnancy and my mum buying me loads made me feel uneasy and I found it all quite overwhelming so early. I became quite insular during pregnancy and found too many social events quite busy and a little bit stressful as I got bigger. I was excited and so looking forward to meeting my baby but I can’t quite explain how I felt. If you’re feeling in a similar way - although I do hope you’re enjoying this special time as much as possible - I’d probably approach it from that angle or something similar when explaining to your DH why you dread this. Of course also bring up the impracticalities with family politics too. I’m sure your loved ones would understand your feelings when your DH calls it off or massively scales back, without you needing to go into family politics of course.

MrsDoylesDoily · 26/03/2023 16:18

How do I tell DH to cancel this without upsetting him and everyone else?

I would've thought this would be the easiest part surely?

Tell him you found out by accident, and that you hate all of that sort of thing. Then remind him that he knows this about you.

rainyskylight · 26/03/2023 16:25

I get it OP. Are you planning on having your DC christened? If so, perhaps redirect your DH’s energy into a welcome party for the baby instead? 1 year old birthday parties are generally awful (unless it’s just tea and cake with the grandparents) but christenings with a very young baby can be very good fun and a lovely opportunity to celebrate the baby once it’s safely arrived.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 26/03/2023 16:38

Just tell him OP he'll be fine - probably relieved. I wouldn't be letting this go ahead, sounds like a nightmare x

Twizbe · 26/03/2023 16:39

You just be clear.

Thank him for the thought and for wanting to do something nice for you.

Remind him that this sort of this isn't you and that you didn't want a baby shower.

Then tell him to cancel it.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/03/2023 16:43

With that history, why are you worried about not upsetting DH? He should know you would hate this and the issues with the relations.

Be honest. At best he's thoughtless so why are you tiptoeing around his feelings? He hadn't stopped to think of yours....

Cornflakes44 · 26/03/2023 16:50

you definitely need to cancel this as soon as possible, and just tell your husband you saw the messages. But I would also be pretty pissed off with my husband for not safeguarding me with this. This is very clearly a nightmare scenario and unless he doesn’t know you at all he should know you don’t wouldn’t want this, your aunt did. He should have stepped up and put a stop to this when it started to escalate to something that no-one would be happy with.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/03/2023 16:52

I never had children, but I am also the sort of person who hates - absolutely loathes - being in any way the centre of attention. This kind of event would have made me cringe so hard I couldn't have stayed in the room.

Just tell him. Tell him you don't want it, hate the very thought of it and won't go even if he begs you. He can tell the invitees you've got wind of it and it's the very last thing you'd want. He can tell them he knew that, too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/03/2023 16:54

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · Today 15:05You need to be honest with him ASAP as it sounds like it's snowballed and he's lost control of it, so he will probably be relieved.

Be honest. Be upfront. Be clear.”

This. You really shouldn’t be having to deal with this at all.

MrsToothyBitch · 26/03/2023 17:00

Just tell him - outline how horrific you think it will be. It'll be bad but it would be worse to go ahead with what sounds like a powder keg of a day. Get your aunt to sit down with both of you and tell him outright, thank you but this has snowballed.

Original poster

jamdodgers · 26/03/2023 17:52

Thanks everyone.

I've done it. Probably not the way I should have but he came in from work and I burst into tears.

I think a mixture of suffering anxiety anyway combined with hormones and the fact I'm exhausted and sick all of the time (hyperemesis) got too much with the stress of this too and I just got really upset and blurted put that I knew about it from the iPad and I'd spoke to my aunt about it.

He was understanding and I think he may have even been relieved because I don't think he meant for it to get so big, he gave me a cuddle, said sorry for causing me anxiety and will message the chat tomorrow to say that I've found out about it and would prefer to not have a baby shower due to how ill I've been and how unpredictable the days are for me (some days I vomit up to 12 times and find it hard to even brush my hair).

This is a good excuse and means he doesn't have to bang on about my mental health as my family/friends/colleagues know I've had Hyperemesis throughout.

OP posts:

Flip