When is it enough? Told I’m “using my kids as a weapon”

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex didn’t see our children for 2 years (his choice) after 2 years he got back in contact in October. Since then he has seen them 3 times. He has made several plans to come but hasn’t turned up (no acknowledgment of this, he just doesn’t contact) There was a time at new years, one mid January and one in February. He didn’t see them from 23rd of December until the 10th of March. (During those times was the time he made plans to see them but didn’t turn up.) On Thursday he asked to borrow some money off me that he would pay back on Saturday. I didn’t lend him the money as I’m not comfortable with that and we are not close like that for me to lend him money. I was actually really surprised he would even ask.

Anyway it was our daughters birthday on Saturday and he had been making plans to see her on her birthday on her phone telling her he was going to come down, so she told me her dads going to see her on her birthday. I said to him we would not be in as we had plans to go out to a soft play centre. He asked to come so I said he could come (because he had been telling my daughter he was coming) but only if he was definitely going to as I need to book the tickets online. He said yes definitely going to come. I booked and paid for the tickets including his and yesterday he text me saying he isn’t coming as he didn’t get paid. No sorry nothing just that he is not coming. He didn’t text my daughter happy birthday or to let her know he wasn’t coming so I was left to explain why her dad “forgot her birthday” (what she was saying not me) after this 4th time of making plans and not showing up I am so done with it. I feel like court is the only option now to prove that he is consistent and make proper plans and stop letting the children down and messing around with them. He’s only been back in contact since October and has already planned 4 times to see them and hasn’t shown up, the children don’t want to see him anymore and have told me this so I blocked him on my phone. I posted on my single parents group just to vent about it and a lot of the comments were defending him telling me I should have given him the money so he could come! Yet I’ve already paid for his ticket, he didn’t ask for the money to come he asked for money on Thursday that he would pay me back on Saturday. So the money wasn’t so he could come he was meant to be paying that back to me and wouldn’t have because he didn’t get paid. The fact his friends and family won’t lend him a fiver so he can come to his child’s birthday I find concerning, he has plenty of friends and he has siblings. I was told by people that saying if he wants to see them he can go to court is me “using my children as a weapon!” And it’s “abuse?!” So do I just continue like this? Continue to let him make plans with them and not show up? It’s hurting the children spent her whole birthday asking me where her father was (she’s autistic so even though I explained the best I could she didn’t understand) they are also saying they don’t want to see him anymore so am I meant to force them? I have not bad mouthed him at all I said he must be busy (I didn’t know what else to say) I did not lend him any money as he doesn’t pay a single penny in maintenance and never has. He has deliberately avoided working to not pay any maintenance and hasn’t worked in 6+ years. He has deliberately created a situation where he doesn’t need to work so doesn’t need to pay maintenance to spite me. When we split up and I asked him for maintenance money for the children he said to me “don’t have kids to get paid!” And this is the person I’m suppose to lend money to? He has more family and friends than I do yet none of them could lend him a fiver? I was told stopping contact and suggesting court is abusive but what he is doing isn’t? I don’t have spare money to give him all he needed to do was get there as I already paid for his ticket. I don’t think things can continue like this so going down the proper channels seems the only option.

must be upsetting for your children that he keeps letting them down if anyone is "weaponising" them sounds more like he is.
if he wants to continue seeing them i'd be insisting on a more formal arrangement.

If your daughter is at soft-play centre age, isn't that quite young for her own phone? His contacting her directly to make nonsense promises about seeing her sounds a concern.

she’s 12 but she’s autistic she is much younger than her years mentally and the soft play was the only place she wanted to go, we went to one that was suitable for children 0-12. I didn’t buy her the mobile he bought it for her at Xmas without telling me he was getting her one.

Sorry - didn't realise,
If he's using it to upset her, can you block his number?

Block him from her phone. Send him one last message from you phone telling him that he knows where his children live and if he wants to see them he must make an appointment be letter and that it must be in a contact centre. That way you are not stopping contact and you are showing you are willing to allow him to see the children. Write everything down, every missed promise, everything.

Well he's a cruel arse isn't he.

Read and reread "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" to help you respond to your DCs questions and their upset etc.

Help them develop critical thinking skills and learn to trust their own feelings around his absence and letting them down.

I think court is the best resolution. You go to mediation first anyway. Perhaps write to him and offer the first Saturday in the month every month then you can plan your life without any thought of him.

Block him on everything except email.

Send him one email telling him you’d like to formalise contact arrangements and after not seeing his children for 2 years you are proposing that he builds up contact and rebuilds his relationship with them by starting with half a day every other weekend.

Tell him it is all to be arranged by email, promises, cancellations, the lot, all in writing in black and white.

See what he comes back with and take it from there.

Go through the courts op. It's the only way.

You can't force him to see his child. Going to court should be something he should do if he wants to see them. Going to court won't vomit him to seeing them.

Just switch all communication to email and tell him to go to court if he wants access as his flakiness is upsetting the child.

Two different things

for him
separate emails 1. Finances 2. Contact
eg finances email
regarding finances you have paid £ amount from april 2022 to april 2023.
previous years have been ….

I went to the csa on x date and during this entire time you have contributed y amount to their lives.

on Sarah’s birthday you asked me to buy you a ticket for x please see attached, and photo of your text requesting this - you need to pay …. For the ticket.

regarding Christmas, birthday and Easter you provided gifts for the children …, …., ….

etc put it all in writing. Don’t need to demand anything. But put it in writing for potential court it for the future if needed.

2 access and contact with the children

background
we split on x date
you saw them on ……

between april 2022 and april 2023 you have seen them
a)
b)
c)
you asked me to get you a ticket to …. For Sarah’s birthday which I did, having brought and paid for the ticket you did not turn up.
you did not phone Sarah to apologise or even wish her happy birthday

the emotional, mental effect on the children - when you don’t turn up or so consistent is very detrimental to their well being.
so you need to consider carefully the approach you have taken for the last x years.

if you want contact with the children then this must be a positive impact on them and in their interests. Being let down again and again such as Sarah’s birthday is not positive.

children have needs that need to be met.

with this in mind

if you want access and contact

then I suggest we to the family mediation service. And do this formally with an agreement in place.

m the details are …. We both make appointment and are seen separately and then seen together

Switch it all to email everything.
change your number

Stop posting on the single parents group, they sound like absolute fuckers.

Ps I avoid single parents groups like the plague

I’m sure there are lovely ones but I didn’t find any

Send him a message saying that DD gets really upset when he doesn't show up when he said he would, and so best if he makes arrangements directly with you. Tell him if he wants to contact DD he can, but not to make arrangements with her.
If he then does try to make arrangements with her, you'd be justified in blocking him on her phone.
Question for the techies out there - is it possible to block incoming calls but allow outgoing ones, so that she can phone him if she wants to?
The lending money issue is a red herring, of course he could borrow money from someone else if he needed to, and obviously a caring father would put money aside to be able to get to his DDs birthday. It's not like it was sprung him. It was an excuse.
I can't see how court would help - it wouldn't turn him into someone reliable, they can't force him to turn up.
Mediation might help though, if you get a good mediator it might help him understand how his actions impact on his DD.

Well it’s a group for single dads as well and it was mainly the men telling me I’m abusive and using the kids as a weapon, apparently I should have lent him the money and they would have lent their ex the money, this man won’t even pay maintenance for his kids so he wouldn’t have lent me a penny. There was women agreeing with the comments as well though telling me my kids will blame me when they are older.

I agree about it being an excuse, money wasn’t the reason why he didn’t see them from December until March, he told them he wasn’t well. For 3 months?! If I had lent him the money he would have only made up another excuse for not coming.

Yeah, men who don't take on full responsibility for their own DC, men who behaved so badly that their partners couldn't live with them.
Despite what they might have you believe, most women will put up with a lot to keep their family together, so if they leave there's likely a good reason. Obviously there are exceptions, but I wouldn't take too much of notice of what these men say. They are not unbiased. They don't have to deal with children crying because of Dad's unreliability. I'm expecting to be shot down in flames for saying this, but I have worked a lot with children and separated families, and can only tell you what I see.

What do you expect from the single dads, they are like your ex! And the women are no better.
Why engage with that kind of bullshit? You know they are wrong.

Your kids will know the score. He'll disappear again soon enough.

Get off the single parent group for your own sake.

follow @PennyForearm advice. Make a contact proposal to him and see what happens.

If he doesn’t agree with it then suggest mediation. Let him make the first appointment.

Don’t tell your kids he must be busy or make excuses. Just say you don’t know. It’s the truth.

My prediction is he will soon disappear from your lives again. But that is solely his choice. You have done nothing wrong.

I would send him a message stating “current contact arrangements are not working and therefore we need something formalised therefore I am proposing to go to mediation to come to an arrangement that is beneficial to the children. I would then contact a mediator and get them to contact him.

What a charmer eh what a catch keeps letting his kids down and dosent wish them happy birthday. Ask him how would he like it if his dad let him down.

You are under no obligation to lend him money.

I know I should know better than the single parents groups, tbf I usually post on my single mums one and that one is a lot better as you don’t get all the dads with a chip on their shoulder that will defend other men no matter how awful they are. He will not take me to court anyway I know that much he just won’t bother seeing them so a woman on there told me I was out of order saying he needs to go to court knowing he has no money! He does have money he gets 2k a month he bragged about it to me so god knows where it all goes.

He has left something here should I post it back to him? It’s his glasses but he never asked for them back he just said he would get them next time he sees the children