What’s fair, family providing childcare

[Curiousness]

so the current situation is I have a 2 year old daughter and my sister a 2 year old son (they are about 3 months apart).

My mum has been providing childcare for my sister for nearly a year, every other Sunday night and Monday day. My mum offered me the same at the time but my sister has her partners family the other alternate Monday, we don’t have that option so it didn’t work for us, therefore we pay nursery. Fair so far.

Situation has recently changed, we’re having a lot of issues with nursery cancelling sessions due to staffing and if I change my work pattern around, alternate Mondays from my mum would now be really helpful.

I asked my mum if she would have my daughter alternate Mondays now and she said yes, but she wants to have them both together on the same Monday, then have the other to herself, fair enough. And she doesn’t want to have them both overnight. Which would mean driving 10 miles to my mums on the Monday morning. My sister lives close to me and so it’s also about 10 miles for her which is why her little one stays Sunday night.

Side note, I also have an older one to get to school, my sister has her son only.

Would I be unreasonable to ask my sister to swap/share the overnight stay, so mine stays one week my mums is having them and hers the next? And would she be unreasonable to say no? Which I think she will.

Just asking for opinions before I approach

Thanks

Well why don't you and sister sort out the driving between you. Could she do mornings and you pick them both up? It's not unreasonable to ask. I assume you all want to help each other out.

It's tricky as you are coming in to an existing situation your sis may not want to have less childcare. Can you find a new nursery as it doesn't seem great? I also feel like it be your mum's place to ask not yours.

@Badbudgeter it would involve a bit of car seat swapping which my sister gets very anxious about. And I’m not convinced she will want to help out of it means an extra drive for her. So I suppose that why I’m asking because they’ve been doing this for a while, it’s not their issue we’re having childcare problems but I’m only asking we’re given the same amount???

We are looking at other nurseries, it’s just takes time

I appreciate mornings are a busy time, but for a short term solution 10 miles doesn't seem that far to drive.

I'd suck it up and take what your DM has kindly offered and put your energy into finding a new nursery.

By all means ask you Dsis to change arrangements, but don't make it into a bigger thing than it needs to be if she refuses.

I can see why it feels unfair, because you think you're entitled somehow to get "the same" as your sister. Actually you aren't entitled to any childcare, and you're disrupting an existing arrangement. I'd just take the day every other week of childcare. If your mum decides it's unfair and wants to balance things then it's up to her to talk to your sister. It's only one year until your child is getting 30 hours at preschool where you'll both want to change the working pattern and childcare, so it's better to think ahead to what you'll want then.

I don't think it's fair to interrupt your DSIS already established routine because you are having childcare issues. Your DM is doing you a favour by agreeing to help out and you should fit in with the current routine.

If 10 miles is too far for you to drive you need to find another solution - child minder, new nursery......

Tough one OP. I suspect your sister would not be ecstatic with this plan. But I also see why you feel it’s unfair. You can always ask. Good luck!

@rookiemere depends where you are how far a drive 10 miles is. I live in London and that’s at least one hour here. That would be a lot to do before heading to work, I would have thought.

Do you and your sister both work full time? Is your sister using a nursery for the rest of the week?

If I had a sibling close by with a child the same age, I'd be looking to share childcare with them, either by working the exact same pattern and sharing a part time nanny (appreciate the cost may not be workable) or working different days and minimising the amount of third party care.

To go back to your original question “what’s fair?”, what is fair is to ask your mother how she prefers it, before you and your sister start making any changes or new arrangements. Your mother is doing you both a huge favour.

@Anotherturnipforthebooks i have asked about this before, to reduce childcare costs for both of us as she does use some nursery too. But sister is not keen on having two at the same time, even if I have them both another day.

i think past situations where in hindsight I have absolutely been put on the back burner unfairly (nothing to do with childcare), can mar my perspective on perfectly reasonable situations now. This has been helpful, I will ask but if they say no, say no more and come away without bruised feelings.

thanks again