Friendship

[Evensteven1]

I’ve got a one year old, am in my 30s, always had an active career and social life before baby, I didn’t have many friends with babies before having kids so it came as a bit of a shock how much my life changed when we had DD.

pre baby I had a baby shower with over 30 people in attendance, organised by someone I’ve known for almost 20 years. She was one of my best friends and we chatted most days, went on holiday together, went out regularly. I had supported her with some pretty traumatic stuff through life which affected her mental health badly.

since having my baby, who I chose to breastfeed for a year, again not realising how challenging this would be until I was in the thick of it. My friend has been really dismissive and unsupportive of me and my family.

• compared getting no more than 45 mins sleep for 6 weeks consecutively to her dogs waking up at 6am. (Admittedly when she said this I was completely sleep deprived and maybe over reacted, although not to her)
• gossiped to another friend that me and my partner/baby daddy we’re going to break up. On the basis of a conversation I had with her that I don’t remember because I was so sleep deprived.
• Few months after arranged to meet up, as we’d not really spoken for a while. Dd was still small and I said no to meeting another friend (who I saw regularly and explained the situation to), arrange dd’s naps and feeds so I could go and meet her 45 mins away. For her to cancel on the morning of saying she still had a bit of a cough and another friend had messaged her and she wanted to see her instead. While I was out of the newborn phase at this point and I don’t think it was an over reaction to be annoyed.
• we didn’t speak for a while after this and I found out she’d had a kidney infection and been in hospital so messaged to see if she was ok. She asked how we were and I explained I was anxious about stopping breastfeeding, going back to work etc. and she started to lay into my partner. i sent a short message back saying he was fine and helping as much as he could but stopping bf and going back to work is nothing he can really help with. This would have been around oct time.
• she failed to wish my daughter a happy birthday on her first bday, which I wouldn’t be bothered about but she saw my stories on IG and I’d put a few posts up on different days. Other friends commented/liked/text me. And I’d consider that a “best friend” who organised my baby shower should acknowledge it.
• last week she reached out to meet up and I agreed. I met her yesterday and feel hurt as she didn’t ask about my daughter, my partner, any of my family. And the whole afternoon was really awkward.

admittedly in all of the above situations I have not held her to account or told her how I feel. I guess I expected her to just be a better friend eventually. But after speaking to other friends last night it’s been pointed out am I expecting too much?

they suggested I tell her how I feel, but I’m not sure I’m able to. I’m so hurt and angry that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her. And when we did speak it was problematic. I’m so proud of being able to Bf after a difficult birth and with Post partum anxiety the first comment where she likened it to her dogs really diminished something I am so proud of and I don’t know whether this has then coloured my view going forwards? Or whether she is being an asshole?

if I do message her, what do I even say?!

She wants the friendship you had before you had a family, and that's ok, but you don't want that friendship anymore. You want her to change because your has, and that's ok too, but she won't change and this friendship won't/can't be want you want it to be.

You need to decide whether you want a friendship separate to family life, or whether it's run its course.

You need to remember here that it is YOU that has changed the friendship by having a baby...

You said yourself you were so sleep deprived you don't remember certain conversations.

There is a good reason first time mums make friends with other first time mums, because life becomes all about the baby and you just become baby's mum!

The poor woman hasn't got a clue what it's like to have a baby so liking it to a dog waking up early is a good effort! Dogs can be a nightmare!

There is absolutely no need to have a bust-up about a range of trivialities. Whatever is going on, this is just not the friendship that you need at the moment, because she's annoying you. Put your efforts into other friends, and let things lie. If she makes an effort to draw you back, then see how you feel, and if not then you'll have spent the time making other friendships stronger.

I think she has absolutely no idea what having a baby is like. Your lives sound completely out of synch at the moment. If she has a baby or once your baby is a little bit older, I suspect things will get easier between the two of you.

It sounds like she doesn’t like your partner and has moved on now your lifestyles are very different. It happens, in life unfortunately. Some friends stick around and others fall by the wayside. I would accept this as one that isn’t going to last the distance. In your situation I wouldn’t confront her with your list of grievances. Try to move on and let go of your anger towards her.

Sounds to me like all you want to talk about is your child and family and how hard life is for you. (Which it absolutely is with a newborn).

And actually she is right. Your partner can help with reducing breastfeeding and emotionally support you about going back to work. Sounds like your expecting more from your friend than your own partner and can be frustrating.

Friendship changes so much when you have kids. No need to cause arguments and make it bigger. Grieve the loss of the previous friendship you had, be thankful you had a friend that did organise a baby shower and accept that maybe for now your lifestyles do not match easily. Doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong.

Does she want kids herself? Maybe she is finding hard to hear about your difficulties as she wants to have a partner and children herself top.

i don’t want her to change, but I want her to be interested and considerate that my life has changed. As I would be for her.
i find it rude that after not speaking for so long she didn’t ask how my family was despite me asking about every individual member of her family.

I'm really sorry, but you sound a bit 'me me me'. It's understandable when you've been living in a baby bubble! You reached out to her while she was in hospital and talked about your own baby-related problems.
Basically, your life has changed but hers hasn't. And the impact on your friendship is two-sided, but she is absolutely responsible too. It wouldn't have hurt her to take a bit more of an interest. But maybe you could dial back a bit on the baby stuff too.

You want her to show interest in something that she has no interest in. The problem lies on your side not hers.

she might not want to talk about babies for any number of reasons from not being interested, to having fertility issues through to being sad she hasn’t met someone to have children with. You’ve moved the goalposts on what you want not her- you can’t possibly be upset at her.

You say you're angry that she hasn't been there when you needed her, but she was in hospital with a kidney infection and you didn't find out until after the fact because you didn't speak to her because you were annoyed she cancelled a meeting (with a legitimate reason of having a cold that she might not have wanted to pass on to you and your young daughter). And this all started because she tried to empathise with you about your lack of sleep with the closest example she had and you got snippy/annoyed with her and kept a grudge for over a year about it (btw short term lack of sleep is bad but doesn't diminish the effects of chronic lack of sleep for whatever reason which your friend might have been suffering/struggling with). It sounds like you expect a lot from your friend (undivided attention, full support) without really being in a position to do so yourself for her "cause I have a baby now". While I understand you have a family and that is your priority now (as it should) it's not really fair to expect your friend to make up for your lack of effort/time because she doesn't. Friendship is a two way street and for all the times you sat at home fuming she hasn't reached out,texted or done something, remember you haven't either for other situations what might have mattered to her so she might be feeling exactly the same!

I don't feel anyone is being unreasonable here. Your life has completely changed. I think you have unrealistic expectations of how involved/accomodating/interested she is in your home life. I bet before the baby, she didn't routinely ask how your OP was (unless something was occuring). She might have casually asked how your lively mum was or if your sister had sorted her wedding venue yet but that's probably it.
She arranged the baby shower for you, not your baby, when you were still you. I'm pretty surecshed have congratulated you on the birth.
I think it's unfair to say you supported her and imply she wasn't there for you. You've obviously rambled on able how tired and fed up you are more than once, to the extent that she's told a mutual friend she doesn't think your relationship will last. Is this gossip? Or is a concerned friend telling a mutual friend she's concerned. You don't even remember what you've said. I'd say you weren't great company.
Now a year on your talking about going back to work and the practicalities. You've likely implied it's all on you and she's starting to think (from what YOU have said) he's not pulling his weight.
Now you're angry because she doesn't wanna hear about your home life anymore, or certainly isn't inviting conversation on those topics. She didn't 'like' your 1 year old pics. Really? Go back 2 years and tell me how many 1 year old parties you've gone to. I've not been to any except my own children....that includes necessary, nephews and grandchildren.
I get your child is your world but if you want to continue this friendship you need to separate being mummy. That doesn't mean you can't mention stuff, of course you can, but broken sleep and parties is pretty run of the mill stuff. Being admitted to hospital though isn't. You didn't even know.
Friendships can survive but they'll change and that's natural. If you drift apart altogether that's fine too. No ones in the wrong.