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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do something for my 40th at short notice ?

40 replies

40tobeFunky · 26/03/2023 04:02

We’ve always talked about spending my 40th with my parents, who live abroad in a beautiful place we all love visiting.

DH asked me to leave all the travel arrangements for him to sort, as he wanted to do it for me. ( I usually do all that sort of thing but he wanted to do it for me, never again I think).

I’ve now realised that he’s done none of the arrangements, with just over a week to go- no tickets, no visa.

The prices of tickets are so much more expensive now (about twice as much in thousands) and although we can stick it on a credit card and pay it off fairly easily, it feels selfish to spend that money ‘just’ on my birthday.

I’ve contemplated going for a week on my own but one DC has said how sad they would be if i went to celebrate with their dgp, whom they don’t see very often, without them. I agree with them.

It’s now far too short notice to invite anyone to anything really but i don’t want spend it like any other birthday- out with the family, then cake at home, etc. Then a meal out with some girlfriends, with whom i’ve drifted apart so only get to meet for birthday meals for each other.

Aibu to be disappointed with DH?

At short notice, any suggestions on how to make it feel ´special’?

Aibu - you should’ve sorted it yourself, knowing you usually sort out stuff like this

Ainbu - you should be able to rely on your husband to sort out things for your special birthday

OP posts:
Bigmugoftea · 26/03/2023 04:05

So there are no tickets booked to go at all? Did your husband forget? Can u and your child just go, mitigating the cost slightly or is it too late now anyway to get the visas etc?

Bigmugoftea · 26/03/2023 04:07

And you are definitely not being unreasonable if he said he would make the arrangements. You must be feeling disappointed.

SpookyBlackCat · 26/03/2023 04:10

Are there any last minute deals available?

I would go if you aren’t stretching yourself too much. You deserve to do something nice for your birthday.

Treeabovethefire · 26/03/2023 04:10

Has he definitely not booked anything? What does he say when you ask what he’s got planned for your 40th?

Original poster
40tobeFunky · 26/03/2023 04:15

Bigmugoftea · 26/03/2023 04:05

So there are no tickets booked to go at all? Did your husband forget? Can u and your child just go, mitigating the cost slightly or is it too late now anyway to get the visas etc?

He’s booked absolutely nothing. Nada.

I’m tempted to sort everything and take DC. We won’t be able to make my birthday itself but we can get there a few days later.

He kept talking about the arrangements and i provided him with all the docs he needed, so i thought he’d sorted it for the dates he told me about. We’d told my parents in several conversations too.

I know if I suggest going DC and I without him, he’ll look all hurt… 😕. He wouldn’t really mind going on my own for a week now but definitely minds DC and I, going for two weeks, without him. I’m very torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
40tobeFunky · 26/03/2023 04:21

SpookyBlackCat · 26/03/2023 04:10

Are there any last minute deals available?

I would go if you aren’t stretching yourself too much. You deserve to do something nice for your birthday.

i’ve been trying to look for last minute deals there doesn’t seem to be any available.

@Treeabovethefire , I can’t bring myself to ask him. I imagine he’ll only show me how terrible he feels.

He’s usually very kind and considerate and i would 100% have been happy to book it myself if he’s said he’d be too busy or let me know he’d struggled to sort it, in time.

OP posts:
TulipCat · 26/03/2023 04:22

Why hasn't he done it? He is utterly crap. I don't think I'd be wanting to spend my birthday with him at all. Is he always incompetent?

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/03/2023 04:25

Just go on your own. Don’t miss out, but don’t go into debt for it. Tell DC why they can’t go.

WaltzingWaters · 26/03/2023 04:29

It doesn’t really matter if he’ll be upset about you and DC going without him. He should have thought about that when he said he’d plan it and then didn’t. Especially seeing as it’s for your special birthday. He’s been completely thoughtless and I’d be really hurt.
prices have now skyrocketed because of him forgetting/not being bothered to arrange something and that cost has to be made up somewhere, which is from his ticket.
If you can afford for you all to go then of course go for it, but make it clear he’s been a lazy arse and it’s really upset you before you go. (But then let it go and forgive so you can have a lovely holiday).

But don’t be afraid or a upset about missing him out if that cost is too much with all the tickets.

FireBeachDancer · 26/03/2023 04:37

If you needed to book the flights, let's say 6 months ago to get the cheapest prices, why have you left it to a few days to go to ask ?

Surely the flights should have been booked months ago ?

Where is the planning & communication ?

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 06:31

Are you certain he hasn't booked anything? Or arranged for your parents to come to you? He might have planned something big.

Figmentof · 26/03/2023 06:38

I don’t knew what is the best thing to do now, but I am just baffled as to why you and he have not discussed it until now. I can’t imagine me and DH not discussing this.

merlinpass · 26/03/2023 08:06

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 06:31

Are you certain he hasn't booked anything? Or arranged for your parents to come to you? He might have planned something big.

That's what I thought maybe a surprise element.

VestaTilley · 26/03/2023 08:07

YANBU, sorry OP. I ended up sorting out my own 30th as I knew DH wouldn’t get round to doing anything good. It hurts.

Definitely try and organise something with family and friends though - you deserve a celebration! Maybe get your DC and any local family together at a restaurant for a nice lunch, and ask your friends if they’d like to go out for dinner.

Are you sure DH hasn’t organised something for you as a surprise? If he hasn’t, don’t make a fuss at his big birthday’s again.

newtowelsplease · 26/03/2023 08:11

Definitely try and organise something with family and friends though - you deserve a celebration! Maybe get your DC and any local family together at a restaurant for a nice lunch, and ask your friends if they’d like to go out for dinner.

It says specifically in the OP that she doesn't want to do this.

I'd be booking to go and see my parents as planned with DC and he can go fuck himself if he complains! I'm cross on your behalf, is he always so useless.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/03/2023 08:13

So what if he looks hurt.

He's hurt you by not sitting this out. Why are you protecting his feelings? He had no such regard for you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 26/03/2023 08:16

Why are you so worried about hurting him when he’s hurt you, your DC and your parents by not bothering?

If it’s very out of character for him you need to speak to him and find out what’s going on.

If it’s not out of character then book the trip, take the kids and let him be huffy. He shouldn’t have promised if he wasn’t going to bother.

EmmaDilemma5 · 26/03/2023 08:20

GoodChat · 26/03/2023 06:31

Are you certain he hasn't booked anything? Or arranged for your parents to come to you? He might have planned something big.

This. If he's been asking for documents etc I'd be surprised if he genuinely hasn't hasn't done anything.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 26/03/2023 08:21

Take DC - let him look hurt. He wouldn't be hurt if he'd stepped up & done what he's said would he....
As you can't make it for the day. Make the day special - try your girlfriends, have a day off work. Do what you want to do.

googledidnthelp · 26/03/2023 08:22

I would definitely be disappointed and upset but I also would just arrange to go at a later date when more affordable again and do something else for your actual birthday, however I'm very much about good value and I wouldn't be happy spending twice as much on tickets that would cost be less at another time when that could then be spending money.

I also wouldn't just stick it on a credit card though so maybe your DH is trying to not so subtly say you can't afford to go.

OtterlyMad · 26/03/2023 08:58

Disappointed? I’d be absolutely FUMING! Is your partner selfish, lazy or just incompetent?
Honestly I was annoyed reading this because IMO you aren’t anywhere near angry enough. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about yours.

Not sure what advice to give here as it will depend on your financial situation - personally I would book tickets for me and DC and leave him behind, but if you can’t really afford it don’t get into debt just to prove a point.

WimbyAce · 26/03/2023 10:22

Are.your certain he hasn't booked anything? Seems v odd if he says he would but hasn't?

Valid8me · 26/03/2023 10:27

I agree 100% with OtterlyMad, I would be raging!!! Disappointed wouldn't even come close.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 26/03/2023 10:41

My dh ruined my 40th birthday.. He was an exh before I was 41.

popcornfrenzy · 26/03/2023 11:56

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 26/03/2023 10:41

My dh ruined my 40th birthday.. He was an exh before I was 41.

Yep, me too…