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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to spend all my childfree weekends with DP and his kids?

14 replies

TacotruckxVB · 25/03/2023 22:04

Context: Been with DP 5 years. Don't live together. I have a very successful 50/50 split with my ex so have my DC (14 and 8) eow (Sat to Mon) as well as an even split through the week (we live 3 mins apart).

DP has a very different situation as his ex moved to a city 1.5 hours away after their split and remarried v quickly and contact has been on her terms since. In theory he has his DC (14 and 12) one in three weekends then one day the next weekend and always a weekly visit in between (he drives to them and takes them out for tea). In reality as they are now early teens the visits have slowed down as they have lots of social stuff going on and prefer to me at home (mum's).

So essentially he's a big part of my DCs lives. He's here most of the time. They love him, he comes to DS's football etc. But as his DC are not with him v often I do not have the same relationship with them.

On the rare weekends when he has his DC and I'm free (like one in 5-6) I usually feel like I'd rather let him have his time with his kids without me being there.

I also admit that when I don't have my kids with me I relish the opportunity for kid free time to unwind, watch trash telly and have a glass of 🍷.

DP had recently expressed some thoughts that he worries I don't want to be around his kids. It's genuinely not the case. I just like the odd Sat night on my own to watch rubbish.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Smoky1107 · 25/03/2023 22:14

Your just right, my teens are is enough to be working and doing their own thing, his teen is too but doesn't and I don't intend to spend weekends with her as I'm now reaping the rewards of mine being independent young adults. Enjoy your free time

DojaPhat · 25/03/2023 22:26

Yanbu but this is how it really is when people with kids date or have relationships. I'd even go so far as to say that if the only issue with the set up is lack of alone time together on a weekend then you're having a pretty good run of it tbh.

Original poster
TacotruckxVB · 25/03/2023 22:27

Thanks @Smoky1107 .

Currently enjoying a large childfree 🍷 so welcoming of other affirmative opinions 🤣

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/03/2023 22:32

I think a bit depends on where the relationship is going. Happy living apart and angling out, great. Moving towards marriage and wanting to be a family, not as great. Do you think you want different things to him d you think?

But yes, even with a child 100% of the time I LOVE when DD and DH go and have a sleepover at their best friends' house (also a DH and DD thank goodness!).

Original poster
TacotruckxVB · 25/03/2023 22:40

@MrsTerryPratchett The ultimate goal is living together but he had debts to clear and also rents (left marriage with nothing financially).

I have a tiny house which I never believed I'd get a mortgage on on my own after ex left (but did). It's our (me and DC) home and I will never risk their comfort and security for anything 🙂

OP posts:
Morningcoffeeview · 25/03/2023 22:43

You’re fine OP, they’re your weekends to spend as you please. I think when most men complain about this it’s actually because they want company to break up the monotony of childcare rather than them actually being bothered about the relationship between you all.

Rewis · 25/03/2023 22:51

Does his kids want to be around you? I mean that they come to see their dad and that doesn't seem to happen too often so do they really want you around? How about a compromise where you have lunch together and thenyou have the Saturday evening to yourself.

Original poster
TacotruckxVB · 25/03/2023 22:53

@Rewis Huh?

OP posts:
mygoodies · 25/03/2023 22:55

NBU at all, enjoy your alone time

Original poster
TacotruckxVB · 25/03/2023 22:56

@Morningcoffeeview He definitely doesn't expect any input from me but I will admit that I do find him to have Disney dad tendencies (presumably because he doesn't get as much time as he would like with them?) and I struggle with that.

OP posts:
Phoebo · 25/03/2023 23:04

YANBU, and it's nice to give them space - and nice for you to get your own space too. I'd just explain and hopefully he gets it, maybe spend some more time with them if he thinks it's important

DigleyAndDazey · 25/03/2023 23:06

he's a big part of my DCs lives. He's here most of the time. They love him, he comes to DS's football etc. But as his DC are not with him v often I do not have the same relationship with them

You say this, but actually it seems you are preventing a similar relationship developing as you're not willing to spend time with them when they are there. How would you feel if this was reversed? It seems your partner is putting in a lot more effort with your kids than vice versa, even given the disparity in contact.

Lizzy1328 · 25/03/2023 23:12

DigleyAndDazey · 25/03/2023 23:06

he's a big part of my DCs lives. He's here most of the time. They love him, he comes to DS's football etc. But as his DC are not with him v often I do not have the same relationship with them

You say this, but actually it seems you are preventing a similar relationship developing as you're not willing to spend time with them when they are there. How would you feel if this was reversed? It seems your partner is putting in a lot more effort with your kids than vice versa, even given the disparity in contact.

We'll put.

Lizzy1328 · 25/03/2023 23:12

Well

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