To move to a new state in the US?

[Mastmw7g]

We're in California and moving to a new state. My oldest is finishing university around the same time we move, and not ready to live on her own, but doesn't want to move with us. I feel torn in two directions because the move would be really great for everyone but her. She cried and said she's being abandoned. Should we have waited until she was fully fledged?

Honestly, if she can’t or won’t live independently, then she needs to move with you. If she wants to stay, she needs to get a job and work out her own life, surely. Was she at university very locally that she’s still so attached to ‘home’?

@DivineAffliction Her university is about an hour and a half away. She could still come home often, and we could visit her regularly.

Define "fully fledged". Do you mean once she's graduated, secured a decent paying job and able to afford her own rent? If so, that could actually take a year or two.

How's the job market where you are moving? Could she reasonably find a decent paying job there? Or if she finds work in California are you able to help her financially for a (very!) brief period while she gets established?

It seems a shame to put off a move that benefits the family because an adult child doesn't want to go with you.

@GulfCoastBeachGirl Yes, settled in her career and able to financially live on her own. You're right that could take more than a year. We're moving to Las Vegas, so there's jobs, but I don't know how hard it would be for her to find jobs in her field, which is games and playable media.

@Mastmw7g Vegas has a decent job market with both the entertainment and IT industries well represented, so not unreasonable for her to find a job in a related field.

In your shoes I would make the move. She can go with you or do what millions of other young adults do: Get a roommate (or two) and take a job that pays the rent while she continues to search for something in her chosen field.

YANBU. She's an adult and you can't be expected to put your life on hold because she wants everything to stay the same.

We’ll she gets to choose then. She can move with you or start her life independently where she is. I think she needs to be aware of the fact she may have to move away from you regardless of your location for a job.

Do you currently live near a large amount of gaming companies? Has she done her internship ?

YANBU. If she is graduating from university, she's an adult and will have to accept this maturely. Everyone else is ready for the move. If she wants to stay at home then she can move with you. If she wants to stay in California, she'll need to figure out her living arrangements. You have raised her and now it's your turn to figure out the next steps of your life and you should do what makes you happy.

Aren't you the poster who is going to pay her rent so she can stay in your very expensive area and doesn't have to move with you?

Make the move it's her choice to either stay in CA or go with you. She's old enough. All her University friends will be leaving too, either to go home, to the state they are from or to jobs all over the country. Nevada has tech companies she should fine something, or have her apply all over and help her move into an apartment wherever she finds work.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Yes, we live close to San Francisco, so there's a ton of gaming companies here. She hasn't done an internship yet and may have trouble finding that first job. We have a friend who said she could help her get her first internship. That hopefully works out.

Have I got déjà vu or did you post this before? About how much rent to give them?

She’s an adult so can stay around SF if she chooses it may just end up being very expensive for her. If she ends up moving back home there should be opportunities in LV.

Yes, I posted before because I thought it was just a matter of helping out financially that she needed, but she says she needs more than help with rent. She says she needs the support of more than friends to stay in this area. She was crying while telling me how alone it would make her feel if I moved away. I don't know how I can support her more than financially if I move.

The cost to stay and do an internship near the tech companies near SF is so so expensive. She needs to start applying and see what's out there.

I know how lousy it feels when your child is unhappy, but I'm not sure what she expects you to do here.

Your daughter is looking for a job in a very highly competitive field in one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in. It could very well take her years to even get a break. You've offered financial assistance; what more can you do?

I think it's time for a frank conversation on "adulting". She needs to manage her expectations when it comes to how much support parents can be expected to provide to their adult children.

I’m with @GulfCoastBeachGirl here. Yes it’s scary to branch out on your own at that age, but it’s a normal thing to do it. I guess along with a very real conversation about reality, including what to expect career-wise when she graduates. I’d ask her what support she is envisioning you giving her that can’t be done from LV?

She sounds like she’s panicking.

Unless there's a backstory about mental health issues or similar then your DD needs to pull herself together.

It's normal to go to University and then live in a house share. She shouldn't feel this dependent on parents at her age.

Would you say you've tended to do a lot for her and offer her more support than the average parent?

This can cause the child to develop feelings that they're not capable of doing things for themselves?

I moved about the same distance from my parents (9ish hours) right after college, it's very doable as a drive or an extremely quick flight. I saw them about once a month after moving, we alternated visits. I think she'll feel ok once she's in her new adult life, the stress of not having a job lined up is probably contributing to her reaction. I would direct your focus to supporting her in finding a job and a roommate. She'll start to get excited once she has a plan.