Life is too much these days?

[ktitten]

Been a single parent for years now and I'm just exhausted with it all. Not the washings or the shopping or the ferrying around or the dentist appointments or the litter tray or MOT or the nit comb or the emergency childcare to cover work - it's draining but that's life.

I just feel like I can't do modern life anymore? In the last 2 days I've had to fill out a 3 page paper form for younger DD as they have uni students coming in to talk to them about careers (they're 8 btw) all the usual stuff like addresses and emergency contact details which the school already have. I've had to log into a system to put money on my oldest ones dinner money account. I've had a letter about an in-person meeting for a school trip eldest DD is going on next month. I've had to fill out yet another form for a sport she does, this one online, this one requiring yet another bloody log in with another bloody password.

I just checked my email and saw one from youngest DDs school and I know I'm being dramatic but it's tipping me over the edge. I will need to log on to YET ANOTHER FUCKING SYSTEM two weeks in advance and choose her school meal every day so they can give her a colour coded band each morning to show the dinner ladies which choice she has. You'd think there would be like a bi-weekly / monthly rotating menu so you could do it once at the start of the year and forget about it (I mean she either likes veggie sausages and fish goujons or she doesn't) but no, every bastarding week.

I could give her packed lunches but it's universally "free" i.e paid via tax and tbh it's a massive help. I had to give up my well paid professional job during covid, my side business folded, Cost of Greed Crisis and I've gone from comfortably alright to picking up shifts as a carer and £10 in my bank to last me til Thursday. Plus packed lunches is just yet another thing to do in the morning and another thing to go to the shop mid-week for.

So I ask my fellow mumsnetters... is this a terrible school meal system or just the straw that's breaking my back? I feel like I want to sell my house and buy a woodland somewhere and live in a bloody cabin. No more forms and passwords and appointments and pointless shit I need to do on a weekly basis. I am honestly drowning to the point I don't want to get up in the morning. I just want to sleep. I don't think I'm depressed but I do find myself thinking what's the point? How are people (single parents especially) coping? I've done it for 10 years now, coped well for a long time but I'm just so utterly tired.

Same here. I get around 5 emails a day from the school, and a few letters a week, have to remember everything, they seem to do a different activity each week: walks, sports days, gymnastics, non uniform, pyjama day..etc...collections for food bank, fairtrade day, the P1 needed weekly his lunch selected every week via email. The p6 does not get a free school lunch so we need to pack snacks for 1 and snack and lunch for the other. They changed the parent pay system in December and I still haven't got round creating yet another 2 accounts (I keep getting reminders but I forget). Last week I booked some Easter activities and apparently an error with their system means I wil have to do it all over again (on the worst website- because you can not add activities to basket, you literally have to select one by one and pay one by one , having to put all your details for every bloody activity!) Also their swimming accounts for example (they do a lesson and a fun swim a week) these 2 activities are managed via 2 different websites...for the same pool and same council! Don't even get me started on the admin for parties, playdates etc! It's really a full top time job, except that I already have one of those, you know...to pay for bills and stuff!😂😂

It's the admin that gets me too. Too many things spinning in your head at all once. I prefer actual hard physical jobs that stop me thinking about all the other shit!
This week alone I've has at least a dozen emails from the school, 2 dental appointments, 1 hospital appointment, several more coming up in the next few weeks which I'll need to rearrange work for. Also got a load of house admin to deal with, renewals etc. Oh and I also have a 3 page form that needs filled in by tomorrow and a trip that needs paying for.
Thankfully one of the appointments is for the menopause specialist I've been begging to see for years, hopefully she can give me the drugs I need to help me deal with all this shit .

My kids aren't at school yet, but what if you just don't bother? What happens if when they put something on like, bring in a tin of peaches for food banks, you just don't? What if you don't respond to the all the emails? Etc.

Genuinely curious because I don't have the energy for that level of interference.

That meal system would break me. Sounds bonkers. I’m with you.

i, meanwhile, am broken by the three very different online systems I have to log into to register for clubs, extra curricular activities, sports fixtures, music lessons, report cards, timetable changes : but I CANNOT remember which system has what and I am forever locking myself out. I HATE IT.

Yup. did a happy dance when both DC were out of primary school because at the time they were the worse offenders for constant multiple emails everyday, form filling, money and time donations.

in the last 4 years of secondary they also suddenly got just as demanding 🙄 I was also sick of the schools only ever contacting me when they had DH email too. I kicked up a fuss towards the end and suddenly he was getting emails too and I left him to deal with it directly. (sorry I know you don't have that luxury but god I know what you mean)

• Cost of Greed Crisis*😂😂😂

I fucking love this! I'm gonna use it from now on.

OP. I hope you start to feel less overwhelmed soon. The older the kids get the more small things they can do for themselves which morphs into big things. You sound like you're doing a great job xx

@habbiespond

I've definitely missed a few emails over the years. With things like food bank donations i think your kid can end up feeling a bit left out if they're the only one not donating. I remember ds coming home once and telling me all the class had done donations and I hadn't given him anything, just hadn't seen the email. (ironic I can barely remember my colleague's names at the minute but can remember every single parenting fail)
Now in high school, one of the emails this week was telling him to go straight to a meeting rather than morning tutor, for example, so I guess he would have missed some of the meeting.
So basically the world won't end but you might end up feeling a bit rubbish.

Your kid misses out. The tin of peaches wouldn’t matter, but on top of the 50p to wear red for Comic Relief, fill in the permission slip for the school trip which has always happened it’s the ‘log in’ to one system for homework, another for messages from the teacher, a third one to pay for the dinners that is just so draining.
I have three kids at 2 different schools and it drives me insane, but it’s replicated at every activity any of us do as well. My daughter’s swimming teacher sends our regular information emails but they are ‘no reply’ so to communicate with them you have to log into a portal (that requires remembering log in and password). Last week I got an email from the music hub to say I’d missed an invoice, but it didn’t come from them but from some obscure council department, so they could tell me what was owed but not how to pay, so I had to search junk folders for an email from an unrecognised organisation then create a account on yet another fucking portal to pay.
Secondary school use an app to set homework which requires you to log in (and requires a super secure 20 character password because every hacker in the world wants to know what my son’s French homework is) every single time and will not ‘remember me’. Then the actual work is set on Tassomi, Dr Frost, and dozens of other apps and websites all of which require a different log in. It is just exhausting….

I agree OP. The mental juggle of everything is exhausting. I’ve one in school, one in nursery, work two jobs one of which I have to do my own taxes for. I feel like I’m drowning in life admin and don’t have 5 minutes to do any of it.

That’s exactly it!
all of these systems, passwords, on line form filling, data collection, self scan shopping.
it makes life easier for the organisations and businesses, but rarely for the user or customer.

BBC now seems to have made it a mandatory requirement to log into their app and provide personal details, birthday etc… in order to view the weather forecast. Bugger that!

these aspects of modern life are driving everyone bonkers.

Op I’m not a single parent but have three primary school aged dcs , work (part-time but not really as it’s in 3rd level education so loads of extra to do , then another side business that me and my dh set up), my dh has a ft job. We have absolutely no family support despite having lots of family , no one has ever minded our dcs for even 5 mins , through illness, through emergency help for us to work etc etc , zero help. Childcare is v v thin on the ground , there been no afterschool places for 3 years , it’s just a “no”, we’ll let you know , staff shortage, same with childminders.
I know we are lucky to have each other and it doesn’t compare at all to being a single parent . Especially if you have no family support op , that’s so difficult. We are just constantly juggling and we need to make money due to the COL, we are also in that bracket that get absolutely no help with anything , childcare etc, we are in Ireland so even to go to a gp we have to pay 60 euros, it would be 15 euros per hour to get all three dcs minded….
There’s no school meals here and 3 packed lunches every morning seems easy but is loads of work .
I absolutely hear you on the systems , I don’t think it makes life easier overall and it’s just constant. Constant messages , passwords, updates. I honestly don’t get why people are needed in administration anymore as everything is put on parents and customers to manage systems, their own accounts. There’s so much to think and organise now and in our case there’s no village so it’s just a hamster wheel of work. I want to change this as we only live once but the COL makes it really difficult tbh. All I can say op is it sounds like you are doing amazingly well, you are doing it all yourself with no support.

@Apocalypticdays @Patchworksack

I really do not have the time or energy for that, but I don't know what the solution is.

I'm honestly surprised by the extent of the bureaucracy and I also cannot figure out how people who are struggling are meant to cope with it.

I don't want my kids to be left out, but it's clearly not right for the school to promote peer pressure. They should try to make things as easy as possible. I also feel sorry for the staff who have to send all the emails and organise events. Much be exhausting from all sides.

Ah thank you! You've just reminded me I need to pay for next term's swimming lessons and badges.

I couldn’t agree more. We have 5 DDs, I am a stay at home mum with DH who works long hours and I still feel sometimes like it’s a full time job with all the girls admin! They all have lots of extra curricular activities/play dates/parties also to keep track of.
Before I left teaching to stay at home, I don’t remember things being as intense with regard to the constant admin. That was before I had children of school age myself so maybe it bypassed me!

Sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job. I don’t think I have any helpful advice other than to keep being organised. We have shared calendars etc. and I always set reminders but sometimes I would like a break from it!

I think some of you should raise concerns with your schools. I have four kids in two schools and don't have the overwhelming number of daily communication that you do.

We have a weekly emailed newsletter and the occasional 'don't forget this is happening tomorrow' text that I'm usually grateful for.

I have to top up the lunch account when I get a reminder that it's low but it takes no longer than it used to take my mum to write a cheque and find an envelope.

We have a letter about a trip most terms.

DC who do extra curriculars get letters about sport fixtures or performances.

They get weekly homework but have managed that themselves since they were very little - passwords are on the fridge.

I think if you're getting more than that it could probably be cut down and they are just not being organised.

I mean, do their communications feel necessary and important, the sort of thing they used to have to send a letter about? If so, they need to send them and you need to get organised - a set time of day to deal with them, pin emails until you can read and deal etc Electronic communication is better imo because letters get lost.

If you're getting stuff that's irrelevant, or too last minute, or could be collated into a weekly newsletter, suggest that.

@MissPoldark love the name ! I agree 100 percent. I actually realised the last day at work as a (I think admin woman ) gave out to me for photocopying too much (I was getting registration forms for students as it’s mandatory for new applicants….
I’m a teacher so this should prob be done by admin but we know need to do it and we have to load up an online version on top of loads of other system things .
And I wondered Wtaf does this person do ? I even contacted the company who maintains the office equipment as there was an issue with a projector as I was told I’d have to do that myself also. Meanwhile 4 ppl working in an office , literally no idea what they do….
Same with parents at school, all the forms, the constant updating, I’d say I get 3 notifications a day on average from the school, my dcs also do a lot of sports outside school so more notifications…..
it’s all just outsourced so customers, parents have to do the extra work to save money on admin .

Oh god, the "life admin" is just never-ending.

Full time working single parent too.

I aim to try & do 3 bits of life admin per day on my lunch "break".

And towards the end of term it all gets a bit much

Primary is definitely worse than secondary.

I feel your pain. Im older than you and past this stage but the life admin of having children at school is relentless. I'm so done with 'modern' life and yearn to go back to a pen and paper and the pre internet slower/more anonymous way of life as I think it has destroyed society for our young ones. Sadly it isn't going to happen.

Hmmm it seems a lot of schools need to step up and be more organised. They could make parents lives easier without much effort.

I think it helps that the SLT and admin staff at school are all working parents.

We had to choose school meals every half term in YR and Y1, now in Y2 DC chooses their lunch when they get to school. They never remember what they ate but it doesn't matter. Fortunately they are a good eater and there's always something they like.
We're sticking with school meals when they're no longer free because I don't have time for packed lunches

We never get emails, they use an app called Ping, and another called parentpay.

DC have only had one trip a year and I can't remember if there were forms to fill in. School use google forms for anything we have to fill in.

Definitely not bragging but just pointing out that schools don't have to make parents lives difficult, at least at KS1

This sounds utter shit. In my day we had 1 school meal (adapted for dietary requirements) or the option of a sandwich.

Single mum to 6 here with youngest who is disabled. I feel you. All of it, it’s just so draining and relentless and yes the system is totally shit. I swear we used to pick on the day what we wanted at lunchtime when we got to the front of the queue and the cooks were ready to slop it on our trays? Why the fuck does everything have to change! ( Im one of those that longs for the old days) sending you strength 💐

I can just about cope with the admin. The thing that really breaks me is the way people judge you if you let one tiny thing slip.

I’m also a single parent and in general I am happy and my life works well but by the nature of the fact that I’m a single parent with a full time job and a home to manage balls occasionally get dropped, I can’t always attend things because I don’t have childcare etc.

People can be really sneery and judgmental if you struggle to manage all this like clockwork and occasionally find it hard to keep up. I know a lot of my colleagues for example (all of whom are either childless men or married women with nannies) think I “lack commitment” because I can’t go to networking things every week. I think they think of me as flaky but in reality it’s because organising stuff is far harder if there’s only one of you. That’s the part which upsets me; people’s inability to understand how bloody hard it is.

I swear I nearly had a massive fucking meltdown the other day because I was quickly trying to check something online (opening hours or some such) and not only was said information hidden away in some obscure corner of the internet but having a huge fuck off bastarding cookie pop up spring up OVER the content of EVERY SINGLE PAGE just pushed me over the edge. A small thing but an annoyance you have to deal with multiple times every single day and for WHAT? For no benefit at all to me, the end user. Only annoyance.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I'm sure it's why I'm more stressed than I've ever been when I really shouldn't be - my youngest is coming to the end of 6th form and I ignore most of the stuff from the school now as I know she'll remind me if anything vital! Can't imagine what it's like for primary school parents now, was getting worse as we left for sure.

We now live in a 24/7 world where you can shop, book, order and organise stuff at any time of the day or night. It should make life easier, but it really doesn't most of the time. The guilt that I should be doing something now extends into my evenings and weekends as I can't have the excuse of leaving something until Monday when the business is open and I can deal with a human! There's also no escape from constant emails, messages and notifications, not to mention needing a password to do bloody anything!

I agree with the comment that businesses seem to have outsourced their admin to us. It's definitely got much worse since Covid. It would help if these apps and online systems were easy to use but so many of them are utterly crap. Then when you try calling them you're held in an endless queue with messages telling you how it's quicker to go on line. If I could do it online easily I wouldn't be bloody calling them!

Really not sure what the answer is but agree that it's utterly draining....

@ktitten I felt exhausted just reading your post. I’m an old person, very internet capable but that’s a full time job on its own. Even not dealing with children and schools I feel life is exhausting and I frequently wonder if I can buy a bit of woodland and live in a caravan. I feel your exhaustion.