Immediate family keepings secrets

[fdp86]

So back story, we are having some trouble/issues with our 12 year old, general negative behaviour at home and at school, vaping, going out of the house without telling us etc.....all normal teenage behaviour but she is also in assessment for inattentive adhd.

Just putting a surprise app on her phone today for her birthday (got her her own cash card/bank account) and it was telling me her storage was full. Went into her recycle bin to empty it in the hope that it would create room. Saw messages between her and older sister talking about concealing her vape and not to tell mum. Not really happy but I can understand the bond between them and I am glad younger sibling has someone sensible she can trust.

Talked about it, with no anger or annoyance and it came out that hubby removed a vape from her and told her that he wouldn't tell me, if she repaid him by not buying another one. Now, he has found out her sister has been hiding one he felt silly and admitted to me this secret between them. So, I am now feeling pretty hurt that he has kept this from me and my 2 daughters have kept this from me. So they all know and I had not a scooby.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or should I just suck it up? Just looking for some perspective. Thanks

No, both of them are just trying to keep the trust of your daughter. This way she will continue to feel able to talk to her dad, her sister and you in privacy - this is important that she can trust people. I don’t think there’s a concern as a parent knew and took action. I can understand why you feel the way you do though

Your older daughter keeping your younger daughters secret is sibling solidarity and understandable. However I think it is unforgivable for your husband to collude with your daughter. Parents need to work together. Even if he felt it was the right thing to do to promise keeping secret to your daughter he needed to then still inform you.

Thank you for your replies

How on earth is your 12 year old able to vape?! I can’t get my head around that at all!

I know! Tell me about it!!! She bought one without our knowledge with christmas money from some kid at school. I'm sure his parents are using him to sell them

Then report it to school. And have as many talks with her as you need to to explain why vaping is not only unhealthy but a ridiculous waste of money. But mainly horribly unhealthy.

Believe me, we have reported it and had many talks with her. She ignores us and the school say it was done out of school so it isn't their issue. So bloody frustrating. Also, daughter is going through a phase of seriously not listening to anyone in a position of authority 😭

I’m sorry. That sounds so tough. 12 is still so young. Can you and her dad prioritise being with her as much as possible - so she’s not alone/with friends who might not be helpful?

Can your older child also be engaged with more family time to get her back on track?

If she's buying vapes with her money, is it really a good idea to give her a bank account?!

We can but try. I'm feeling less angry about him keeping me in the dark today but still feel annoyed. I just really hope she listens when we tell her how much we love her and want to do right by her.

Logically, what is the problem with vaping, it’s just candy floss flavour steam

I say this gently, but I think your 12 year old needs much more supervision. She doesn't need a bank card. Given the issues you're having with her, she shouldn't have a phone, and her leaving the home without you knowing is absolutely unacceptable and potentially extremely dangerous. She's a child, not even a teenager. I think a big reassessment of how you parent her is in order. What worked for your older child may not work for her.

Mam and dad don't have secrets between each other. I'd be pretty pissed too.

A twelve year old is not a teenager.
Our casual attitude to vaping for a child is astonishing and so irresponsible.

Your husband shouldn’t of kept it from you, I understand older sibling keeping it from you.
Id be more angry at her for vaping at 12 years old, she needs more supervision. Is it really a good idea for her to have her own bank account?

I agree with the pps - giving her more freedom is not the best idea, she's lied to her dad about continuing to vape for example. More autonomy won't make her more responsible. I would be cutting her access to money, not making it easier for her. It's reasonable to punish her by removing privileges for vaping, leaving the house without telling you and refusing to listen to you.

She's not a teenager, she's a child, and is vulnerable. This behaviour would be concerning in a 16 year old, but is very worrying in a 12 year old. She could go right off the rails if you don't put boundaries in place.

Nothing about my attitude to her vaping is casual. I am mortified and at every opportunity remove them and ask her not to. She doesnt have free access to money, but if she wants to go out with her friends (which I don't want to restrict) then she needs money for transport and food etc, if she chooses not to spend that money how I think she is what can I do?

The bank account I talk about is a Starling Kite account, linked to my account so I can move money in and out of it easily. The only perk to her is that she can use a cash card out and about with controls on it.

Parenting her at the moment is incredibly difficult, you all say she should be supervised more, do I follow her around in the car when she is out? Do I lock her in the house? Do I not allow her any access to friendships? Honestly, we have hit a wall as she pushes back on almost everything.

Anything we do try to sanction her with or remove sends her into a spiral of vile speech or depressed behaviours. It's really hard guys.

By the way, she is 13 on Tues and has already begun menstruating which is why I keep referring to her as a teenager

I can't believe that anyone with even half a brain would think this. The long-term effects of vaping are still unknown but there appears to be a growing evidence base that it can lead to spontaneous pneumothorax and other significant pulmonary disease.
I'd go batshit if I found out that my 12 year old was vaping.

@CryHavok - I’m assuming you’re very very hard of thinking.

@fdp86 ok, at almost 13 I’d say she’s still young enough to have some time - maybe the next 6 months before the new school year - mainly at home. She can have friends to your house maybe, or go to the cinema/bowling etc but you take her there, wait nearby and take her home.

My oldest is not much younger and has no phone and absolutely isn’t allowed out with friends with no adults yet (and we live in a safe area). I trust my dc but I know that pre-teens together can make silly decisions and egg one another on.

I’m really sorry. It’s easy for me to say this, but I appreciate its hard to withdraw phones/freedom when children are used to them!

Aside from the fact we have very little ling term data on the effects of vaping (although admittedly it is likely to be less harmful than smoking), vapes have nicotine in them which is highly addictive. My teen has vaped/vapes in secret and I hate the thought of him having an addiction to anything.

I would look at getting her into structured activities on the weekends as to be honest I'd be extremely worried about where her teenage years and current peer group will take her. I'd stop giving her money to aimlessly hang out with friends in the local town. I would continue to let her socialise but instead pay for an activity ie if she says she needs money for a cinema ticket buy the ticket online and stop giving out cash she can't use responsibly yet.

This might not be everyone's approach but I'd be worried!

Your DH should have told you about the vape. It's important that both DPs are on the same page with parenting. It feels like he's abdicating and putting you in as the sole position of responsibility, because a 12 year old really shouldn't have access to vaping equipment.

I understand why you're hurt, but I think it's important for your DD to feel able to talk to whoever she feels comfortable speaking to, especially if she's showing problematic behaviour. You don't want to end up in a position where she doesn't confide in anyone, and she ends up making even worse choices.

Does DD know you monitor her phone? Going through her deleted items feels intrusive, especially as you had no reason to suspect something serious like bullying etc. Let's face it - you were being nosey, rather than trying to protect your child from something major. If my mum had gone through my phone like that, I would have felt completely violated, and it wouldn't have encouraged me to confide in her more...

oh wow you sound very controlling