Is it inappropriate to give parents expensive presents if sibling can’t afford to do same

[calmfarm85]

Both in our 30s. Sibling doesn't work/earn much due to health issues. I (and partner) earn a very good salary. I (we) like spending lots on presents for our parents as we like sharing our good fortune by gifting parents expensive things sometimes for birthdays/Christmas as we can afford it (be it an ipad, an experience type gift or a few hundred pounds for short breaks etc).

However I always feel conscience that this might be make my sibling feel awkward/uncomfortable (they are also my older sibling by a few years which sort of increases the awkwardness). But then not doing so and holding off spending money purely for this reason also feels a bit strange/overthinking. My sibling has never indicated they find it insensitive/awkward etc .. but then they probably wouldn’t even if they did.

Parents are always super happy to receive gifts and have never expressed any awkwardness about situation. And we also spend quite a lot on sibling gifts (but again, always conscious in the back of my mind not to go overboard). Would be interested to hear peoples take on this, especially people in similar family situations.

I’d do a joint present and just ask sibling for a contribution that they could afford.

YANBU, I would keep giving what you want but do it separately to sister so parents aren’t opening both of your presents together.

My sister gets mum 10 gifts for mother’s day, I think that’s ridiculous, I am happy to turn up with 1 present 😂

I don’t think so… would your parents be massively advertising their gift? If not then it’s definitely fine. You can’t stop gifting others just because others can’t gift as much. Your parents should value both the pricier gifts from you and cheaper gifts from sibling as equally lovely and thoughtful.

I'm an only child so no experience of this but I would say - no not inappropriate at all. There could be a reversal of fortunes in a few years where the sibling wins the lottery or something ? - and will be well able to. Yes I know unlikely but someone's got to win it !

I think it's fine really. If it is a comparison issue on Christmas Day/ birthday you could maybe be a little more creative and give your gifts separately. Just so they aren't opening a box of biscuits from your sibling and a yacht from you at the same time. Do they help you with childcare or anything? You could give these gifts as more of a thanks than a occasion present

I don't think so. As a parent of adults I am grateful for whatever expression of love turns up!

Never really occurred to me tbh. He's clearly aware of the difference in mine and my brother's income. I don't see why I shouldn't give my dad what I want to in case it hurts someone else's feelings.

It’s fine.

Why is this a concern if no one has shown any outward concern? And why would your sibling's feelings be more important than your parents?

I'm sure you also give your sibling nice gifts so she's unlikely to complain!

Why don't you ask your sibling rather than Mumsnet? Wouldn't they be more likely to know?

I am the sibling in this situation. My little sister has alot more than me financially and is able to spend more on our parents when it comes to gifts.
It's never once crossed my mind that it's unfair or anything. She's worked hard to be where she is, and our parents benefit from a lovely gift.
She will ask if I want to contribute to big gifts, if I can, I will, if I can't then I sort my own.
Parents have always been greatful for both our gifts.
I'd hate to think of her feeling awkward just because our bank accounts don't match x

You gift them something they would like that you can afford and are happy to gift. Someone with a disposable income of £20 buying me a thoughtful gift that cost £10 would mean just as much as a gift that cost £100. The important thing is that you get them something they would love not how much you spend. It might be hard for your sibling to see that they can't afford as much but as long as your parents are equally grateful for both gifts no problem.

Your sibling and parents don’t seem to care but you’re thinking about this? Something about that seems ‘off’ to me.

My sister has far more money than me - Mother's Day we tend to club together for nice flowers but birthday & Christmas our presents are poles apart - I have a £40pp limit and she'll spend anything from £50-200

I'm the lower earning (and older) sibling. Doesn't bother me in the slightest that my siblings spend more on my parents than I do (honestly I'd probably think less of them if they didn't spend more on my parents than I do, given our relative disposable incomes.) It's nice to see my parents enjoying the kind of treats they deserve, even if I'm not able to give them myself.

To caveat - I say that as someone whose parents would never dream of comparing how much each of us spend and are just as appreciative of my gifts as my siblings - if your parents are not like this and would ever make any kind of negative comments regarding your sibling's presents, that would change things.

We do joint presents
TBF we all have similar incomes now,but that has not always been the case

It think it is really odd to spend loads of money on your parents unless they are hard pressed

I don't let my grown up children buy me anything really and I just give my parents alcohol and flowers

We all have more than enough money to buy anything that we want.
We all give the money to children and grandchildren who need it much more.

I totally disagree about it being reliant on disposable income. Indeed I would say that most wealthy people find ostentatious gift giving rather odd.

A £2 bar of my favourite chocolate given on a random day in June out of love means much more than a £1000 iPad give out of duty at Christmas.

Giving in proportion to your income is fine as long as you are doing it with the right motives and it sounds like you are.

You would expect a family member to spend 50% of their disposable income on you and leave themselves with £10?

Gobsmacked at how selfish some people are!

Not unreasonable at all. You’re all adults and understand that different people can afford different things. You shouldn’t have to get something small because your sibling can’t afford something nice. But I’m sure your parents understand both of your situations and understand that whatever your sibling gets them has been bought with the same amount of thought even if it costs a lot less.

As the " poorer sibling" in a family I don't find it an issue at all. We both give our parents presents that we think they will love- mine might be £20 worth of novels, theirs might be a cashmere jumper and some expensive toiletries. Both presents are enjoyed.

Yup, like a made-up problem, almost?

Just so they aren't opening a box of biscuits from your sibling and a yacht from you at the same time.

God I love this idea though

A box of McVitie's Victoria biscuits or the Lady Desdemona inclusive of all mooring, maintenance and crewing fees. I think I'd still prefer the biscuits - less faff all round.

*You would expect a family member to spend 50% of their disposable income on you and leave themselves with £10?

Gobsmacked at how selfish some people are!*

Absolutely not. I was saying that someone buying a thoughtful gift even an inexpensive one means as much if not more than someone spending a lot of money especially when the smaller gift giver is struggling financially. I would actually be horrified if anyone spent half their disposable income on me.

John Bishop bought his mum a house. He checked with his siblings and said “I want to buy our mam a house.” And they said “go on lad.”

none issue.