Is it selfish to keep this person in my life?

[TeaandBiscuits96]

So I’m going to try and keep it short without drip feeding!

I started talking and then ended up dating someone for a while last year - a female who I never expected to have feelings for or get into that situation with. We got on so well - always laughing and bouncing off each other - but we both had so much going on in our lives that I just really struggled to commit to the relationship (she had a lot of family issues going on and I had a lot of legal issues going on with my ex and co-parent and I’ve also had a lot of health issues).

We agreed to be friends and we’ve stayed on good terms ever since until she recently admitted to me that she’s never actually seen me as a friend, still has feelings for me and she’s just essentially waiting around for me to see if I change my mind and can get into a position to be in a relationship with her. I’ve told her that she is a friend to me, and that she needs to move on from this situation but she just says that she doesn’t want to.

I enjoy speaking to her and being friends with her, but I also feel that I’m probably doing more harm than good by staying in her life but I also know that I’ve been her main support through some really hard times that she can’t open up about to other people. I feel that the only way she’s going to be able to let this situation go and move on is by me not being in her life, because she really does rely quite heavily on me (wants to speak to me all the time, drops other plans because she wants to see me all the time) and it’s just not healthy for her but equally I would feel bad not being there for her but I’ve tried being friends with her but obviously she’s still secretly been feeling this way and just not telling me about it.

Any advice would be really welcome!

Cut it out until she finds someone else and be open about it. When she is ready she can have you as a friend only.

Be honest with her, and then let her make her own choices.

She sounds a bit enmeshed and if you don’t intend getting back together with her romantically as soon as you feel free enough, I think it’s probably kindest to cut the cord.

I agree with whataboutism that when she’s moved on and is ready you could possibly be friends again, but I wouldn’t tell her that as it will set her up to “wait for you” from afar.

To quote the wonderful series Sex Education ' people deserve your whole heart. If you can't give that, tell them. It is the kinder thing to do'.

Plus could you call her a woman or girl, female just sounds a little Ferengi

Sounds a bit ‘Friday night dinner’ doesn’t it? ‘Any females Bobble?’ 😂

I also know that I’ve been her main support through some really hard times that she can’t open up about to other people.

Why?

She's only known you a year.
She's a grown woman, she has other people in her life.

Step back from her; it’s stopping her moving on snd it’s sounds like if you met someone it would get all kinds of messy

If this friend were a man, I'd be calling him out for NiceGuyTM behaviours.

she’s just essentially waiting around for me to see if I change my mind and can get into a position to be in a relationship with her. I’ve told her that she is a friend to me, and that she needs to move on from this situation but she just says that she doesn’t want to.

You have told her she is friendzoned, she has refused to accept it (boundaries!) has sold you the fiction that Only You Understand & She Can Talk To Nobody Else ... & you have bought her fiction.

but obviously she’s still secretly been feeling this way and just not telling me about it.
It's hardly a secret.
She told you outright that she will not accept being Just Friends & will keep hankering & hoping.
Also presuming on your time & acting needy.
You have been clear that she needs to move on & her response was that she doesn't want to. That is downright sinister. You need to disengage before you have a full-blown stalker on your hands.

Something tells me you are a man. I may be wrong there, but women don't usually describe another woman as "a female" FFS.
If I'm right, you need to drop your White Knight act, & sharpish.
Tell her that you are no longer comfortable seeing her pine for something that is never going to happen, wish her all the best for her future, & tell her she needs to start leaning on her other friends, as YOU are moving on, for her own good, because she refuses to.

He (?) HAS been honest with her.
She is refusing to hear it.

He needs to cut ties, immediately.

Ferengi! 👏👏👏😂

So glad it's not just me balefully honing in on this & wanting to give OP a bit of a slap.

I think in any "let's be friends" situation you need a clean break first.

One of my best friends is an ex from 20 years ago, but when we first split we had a good couple of years when our contact was only occasional social things in a group and the odd happy birthday text.

We did initially try being closer "friends" but it really didn't work becuase boundaries kept getting crossed and one person was always left feeling confused about what the situation really was.

It may be that if you stay civil you can be friends later, but not now.

You think she’s great, you love talking to her, bounce off each other and the reason you agreed to split up was because you both had a “lot going on in your lives”

I can see why she thinks you’ll get back together. She’s just waiting until you’re both less busy! That’s the reason you agreed to put this on hold (?)

I’m definitely a woman too (I have children which I birthed! 😂) I wrote it half asleep last night so apologises for the ‘female’! 😂 she has got other mates in her life but some of the issues going on in her life is quite triggering to them so she feels she will upset them if she brings it up…

I have made it clear to her that I’m not the right person for her (yes we get on great but we also clash on certain things and I have a lot of past relationship trauma etc which doesn’t make me exactly the healthiest person to date - I am working on this through therapy etc and she’s also very adventurous and spontaneous and my lifestyle means that I’m more of a homebody etc) but she just says that I can’t change her feelings and that’s that.

I feel like she acts like she can be friends for a certain amount of time and then she has these meltdown episodes - like she’s got quite upset before asking why she wasn’t good enough for me etc (which isn’t the case at all) so I think it probably is kinder for a clean cut and then when she has moved on to make it a friendship but to not let her know this in advance!

I think you’re still giving her the message that you’re simply not in the right “headspace” to have a relationship. Saying that you’re working on that in therapy gives the message that you will eventually be ready?

It sounds dysfunctional on both sides. You enjoy her friendship but seem to have taken on the role as her therapist.

Maybe you could unpick your feelings with your counsellor? Are you gay? Do you have reservations about that?
It seems kinder all round to end this properly. You’re both preventing each other from moving on, if that’s what you actually want to do?

she has got other mates in her life but some of the issues going on in her life is quite triggering to them so she feels she will upset them if she brings it up…

What about YOUR triggers? YOUR upset?
She's just making excuses so she can keep you dancing attendance on her.

but she just says that I can’t change her feelings and that’s that.
& she can't change yours, so that's that.
This woman will eat you alive if you let her. It's a one-way street 0- only her feelings matter to her.

I feel like she acts like she can be friends for a certain amount of time and then she has these meltdown episodes - like she’s got quite upset before asking why she wasn’t good enough for me etc (which isn’t the case at all) so I think it probably is kinder for a clean cut and then when she has moved on to make it a friendship but to not let her know this in advance!
FFS - you are still so focused on #BeKind.
This woman is not kind to you. At all.
She is controlling & manipulative. I suspect her antics will escalate, & advise you to cut her out of your life.