Would you think this is manipulative?

[ManipulatorPedipulator]

DH is going out to see a friend tonight. DS is very DH-oriented and doesn’t settle in bed if DH isn’t there. Last night, DH worked late and DS wouldn’t settle until he got home. I have also spent all of yesterday and today (and half of Wednesday) with DD who was sent home from nursery sick so I’ve spent the last 60 hours covered in vomit. With my job, I’ll still have to get all my work done so this has just shifted the workload. He will also be working late three nights next week.

Last night, the following conversation took place.

DH: is it ok if I meet DF at 7?
Me: could you do 7.30 instead because DS won’t settle if you’re not here?
DH: oh, I’ve already agreed to 7.

I think that was manipulative because he asked purely to make himself look considerate and despite knowing that, whatever answer I gave, he was going to meet DF at 7 anyway. DH is saying it’s not manipulative because he asked because he thought he should check if the time suits but it didn’t occur to him until after he’d already agreed.

Why not follow go with 7.30 would be better for ds.

Although seems pointless now as he is clearly already there.

Just tell him to text his friend and say he'll be there at 7.30.

I wouldn't say its manipulative. I've often made an agreement to meet someone and then said it to DH when I got home. If there is a genuine reason to put the time back ill do that. If a friend did this to me I wouldn't have an issue. In fact I'd relish the chance to have 30 mins to myself!

I don’t think it’s manipulative, both me and my husband say the same thing as we know the other person is ok with it, so it’s more of a heads up. I do think it’s unreasonable not to delay by 30mins though, even if it was agreed before. 3hrs yes, but none of my friends would be remotely bothered if I got somewhere 30mins late.

Not manipulative, although very inconsiderate.
If anything, you trying to get him to change his plans using DS is the slightly manipulative bit, although I totally understand why & I absolutely would have said the same in your circumstances.

You’ve had a stressful couple of days. This can’t have helped. It does sound inconsiderate and yes manipulative

It wasn't a genuine question it was a fait accompli. Now you know you don't need to consider him in making your own social plans

It's not manipulative but he just wanted to acknowledge that you knew what time he was going out, rather than actually asking permission.

To be honest, DS needs to learn to settle with you.

Omg same!! I love 30mins on my own with a drink - nobody pestering you, no chores or work to do. It’s a little bit of heaven!

I wouldn't say manipulative but pointless question if he's ignoring the answer :/ I think he should have been considerste and offered to meet friend a little later

This.

I wouldnt call it manipulation, more like weird politeness checking its OK when you have already made a plan

He's selfish as hell to prioritize a jolly with a friend over you and a sick child and leave you with everything.

When's your jolly with a friend while he deals with sick children by himself and his job?

Not manipulative, just pointless even asking. He should've just said "I'm going out at 7pm". And DH is in pub now already so.....
How old is DS?

If he asked as he says to check that the time suits then surely your answer was that it didn't. So he has dug his own grave with that answer. The time didn't suit and he didn't change.

I don't think it's manipulative, just inconsiderate.

I think it’s just the language of politeness to say ‘is it ok’ where he means ‘I’m just letting you know’.

Thanks. Interesting to see that some people would’ve just taken this a turn of phrase. I definitely interpreted it as a question that expected an answer (but that he’d assumed I’d answer agreeing).

DS is 3. To be clearer, he does settle with only one of us here but it’s a lot harder, he needs a lot more reassurance and firm boundaries. With DD in hand too, also pulling attention and focus, last night was quite difficult. He has actually gone to bed quite easily tonight - he didn’t get out at all but did call out a few times. He’s asleep now.

I have no issue with him going out. In fact, I think it’s important for his well-being and I think he’d be happier if he went out more. I just didn’t enjoy that I felt he had tried to present himself as being more considerate than he is by confirming a time with me - it felt ingenuine and manipulative. I’d have had no issue with him saying “we’ve agreed 7pm”.

I really don't think he was being manipulative, he just wasn't thinking about how it could affect things, but he is being a bit silly by not changing the time. Just tell him to message saying could we do it half an hour later, it can't affect that much.