To blame my mother?

[JustAnotherManicNameChange]

We got into an argument today. She was being a judgemental arse about depression,abuse (including child abuse) ,trauma etc. I ignored most of it and only gently made some comments because it's pointless to try and get her see things as they are. It never happened in her day, people were decent and had a fear of God bla bla bla.

I said that people have different experiences and hear witness different things and some people are more aware of what's going on than others. She obviously turned it onto me and said in a very snarky voice "well, of course you have experience given the environments you put yourself in". I did get angry I admit, so I reminded her I was abused in her own house and by the maths tutor she picked for me. No matter how chaotic my life or choices were when I was a teenager (due to said abuse and other instances) never bad ever happened to me in an environment I "put myself in".

Of course she turned on the waterworks and played victim and it's not her fault and how was she supposed to know?

I might agree about what happened in my home(even though, looking back I can recognise several red flags in that person's behaviour) but she knowingly sent me to a maths tutor that was rumoured to sexually assault teenagers/tutees. She actually admitted once ( probably doesn't remember) that someone directly warned her but she thought I l'd be safe because I was fat. I wasn't. Her reaction when I told her wasn't any better either.

So yeah, I do blame her and it was her fault. Not just that incident, but her reaction and lack of action about that one and others. I do hold her responsible.

I'm feeling very wobbly atm, as I always am when this stuff comes back to the surface so please be gentle even if I am.

AIBU to blame my mother for my assault, for her lack of action and support, for bringing up my trauma responses as teenager as point scoring whenever I disagree with her views"?

She tried to victim blame you and then got upset when you called out her spectacular lack of due diligence?

Nope! Not unreasonable!

You Are not being unreasonable.

she sounds like an absolute cow. What value is there I’m having a relationship with someone like this. Most parents would’ve horrified if they child was harmed in their own home by someone they arranged to come around. Sadly some parent are purposely ignorant

Not a lot of value, I simply don't have it in me to do that (go NC)to her. Partly because I'm fucked up, partly because I know it would hurt her. That's what I can't wrap my head around. She'll easily throw hurtful comment around with no thought or consideration. I very rarely do it back and that's usually when I lose it because I get goaded into it like today, and I still feel kind of guilty.

I can understand that. It’s not an easy thing to go NC.

could you work on putting some boundaries in place. Eg seeing her less so you don’t have to deal with the stress as often? Refusing to discuss certain topics and hanging up/walking away if she tries to talk about topics that will end in hurt.

I am not NC with my mum, for similar reasons to you. However I have managed to get to a stage where we have a fairly surface level relationship where there are few issues that crop up anymore.

YADNBU.

If your mother were super apologetic and remorseful then I would say you’d be a bit unreasonable to keep bringing it up and making her feel bad about it. But she doesn’t sound sorry at all! In fact she blames YOU for what you suffered and even managed to shoe horn in an insult (that you were too fat to be desirable to be paedophile, what a vile thing to say).

Her lack of empathy for victims of abuse, given that her own daughter is one, is absolutely disgusting. In your shoes, I’d be going low contact with her for sake of my own mental health - she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life.

Go no contact.

This woman did not protect you when you were a vulnerable kid in her care and now she is trying to pass herself as the victim and manipulate you.

Anyone who dismisses or minimise child abuse is scum as far as I am concern and you don't need people like that in your life.

As you long as you let her she will keep hurting you.

That's how it normally is. I live in a different country so most of the contact if over the phone except for when she visits. It's generally superficial conversations about the weather, what are we doing that weekend, news about DD etc. I know better than to tell her anything that she can use as ammo, for example she has no idea I have been diagnosed with diabetes. I'm also pretty good at going grey rock , or nod and change the subject or even the call when she tries to go off on one. Sometimes however it comes out of nowhere and if I'm not on the ball it can escalate into this.

Like today it started with I shouldn't put pics of DD on my FB (i have about 30 friends, use a pseudonym and have strict security measures) because there are so many horrible things happening. Then that turned into drug taking, then a teenager dying of an overdose, then how some teenagers are gobby and they deserve a smack and it's nothing to be depressed about, there was no depression back in her day and so on until we ended up where we did. I suppose I should've seen it coming and ended it a lot sooner . I'll take responsibility for that.

It's like a fucking rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters.

sorry OP, but your mother sounds like a horrible woman.

Sorry. She sounds horrific. I would also for your own sanity go no contact

Have you spoken to anyone or had any counselling? It sounds like you've had to deal with a lot of stuff on your own.

I talk about it in real life with various people/friends and post on here quite a lot. I used to talk to people as a kid too which absolutely enraged my mother but it was one of the little ways I was rebelling against her.

I can't do counselling for various reasons. Don't think it would help much anyway.

I'm.so sorry you have to put up with such a toxic mother - she failed you and is continuing to fail you.

You're being much kinder to her than you are to yourself - I can only suggest if you continue to let her have a place in your life, that as soon as she says anything that makes you feel in anyway uncomfortable, that you end the call right away rather than let her goad you.

And maybe stick to phone calls rather than visits, so it's easier to end the conversation when you want to. And pretty infrequent phone calls at that.

I hope your dd never sees her in real life op.
Shorten the phone calls op. Be less available.. Also the diet of less information..
I have been nc for 11 years with dm. Bliss.

They do see each other. Mum stays with us when she visits, but since there's a language barrier DD has no idea what she says (in person or on the phone). They have a good, if superficial relationship.