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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids birthday parties, give me strength

19 replies

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 10:01

Ds is about to turn 10 so this is probably his last 'birthday party' and next year it'll more likely be a trip to the cinema or a football match. Hopefully I'll be free of this bullshit then.

I've booked an arcade centre and food after. He has a limit of 10 people. He has invited the kids he is friends with from school and we have a couple of cousins too. I'm friendly with the parents of a child in his class but the two boys don't get on particularly well so he didn't want to invite him. They are the sort of kids who get along famously for a while but fall out a lot too. I say fair enough, his party his choice.

I'm now getting the silent treatment from the parents who seem to have taken it as a personal insult. I would usually brush it off but ds was invited and did attend their ds party last month so I am feeling a bit guilty. Should I have made ds invite him?

OP posts:

SNWannabe · 24/03/2023 10:04

If you're friendly I think it was on you to contact them and explain that unfortunately due to a restriction on numbers for the party, little Tommy wasn't able to be invited this year. Sorry about that, and it was just down to numbers.
As they invited your son, just last month, I can see why they're a bit miffed...

Elysiam · 24/03/2023 10:05

If he’s invited seven or eight boys from his class, it’d be a noticeable omission?

OkOkWhatsNext · 24/03/2023 10:07

Are you really getting the silent treatment? Or are you projecting this on them? Sometimes I think people create dramas where they don’t exist in these situations. It’s fine, I have some very good mum friends but our kids have drifted into different friendship groups as they got older. They decide who they want to be friends with by that age and parents just stay out of it and arrange their own social gatherings!

Albiboba · 24/03/2023 10:07

If he doesn’t like the other boy why did he attend his party?
Its pretty shitty to attend a party a month ago and not invite the kid in return.

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 10:08

Elysiam · 24/03/2023 10:05

If he’s invited seven or eight boys from his class, it’d be a noticeable omission?

Possibly but there are also several others from the class who haven't been invited. We are past the age now of inviting every kid in the class (I've done plenty of those parties too).

I perhaps could have said something but the coward in me was hoping it would go under the radar as the party falls in the middle of the Easter holidays. Invites were handed out last week however and kids clearly talk.

I hate arranging parties and gatherings for this exact reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 10:09

Albiboba · 24/03/2023 10:07

If he doesn’t like the other boy why did he attend his party?
Its pretty shitty to attend a party a month ago and not invite the kid in return.

I did say this to him. At the time they were going through one of their getting along phases. Since then there have been a few dramas and fallings out.

OP posts:

Sausagerolex · 24/03/2023 10:37

Id have invited him and either asked the venue to stretch or invited one less other (or assumed a drop out/can’t come)

If they often do get on well and your DS recently went to his party it would feel a rather pointed snub

Agree its a drama tho!

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 10:54

I think they have taken it as a snub which is why I feel so awkward and guilty.

In reality I have just left it up to ds to decide. I don't want him to have to sacrifice someone he actually wants there just so that I can save face and placate someone else's parents. It sounds like a drip feed but the kid in question can be a bully and isn't well liked by lots of the other dc attending the party.

I guess we will just have to front it out.

OP posts:

Sausagerolex · 24/03/2023 10:57

But part of it might have been saying to your DS that as he had been to the other boy’s party recently and they do have long phases of getting on would it be the kind/right thing to do?
Kids don’t know how to think of all the repercussions and will always just pick the names they happened to have played with that day!

Inviting 7 or 8 from the class can’t be leaving out that many so it would feel quite a specific choice from the other mums POV.
She shouldnt sulk though but I can see why she is a bit hurt. We do tend to feel adult emotions about kid situations when our own kids are overlooked.

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 11:04

@Sausagerolex I had that exact conversation with him. Unfortunately he was adamant. I also said it's poor form when the other boy invited him to his party. I did try to persuade him but in the end I left the final choice with him. It didn't help that the week before the invites went out they had a big falling out because the other boy punched ds. Play fighting that got out of hand apparently but ds was still pissed off.

I hate to think I've hurt anyone's feelings. I intensely dislike planning things like this because you always seem to end up upsetting someone.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 24/03/2023 11:10

Don't worry OP, this bollocks will be over once he is in secondary, which isn't far off, and you won't even be accompanying him to school. Your kid's party is about the kids who get on, not the parents.

AlwaysLatte · 24/03/2023 11:14

Definitely don't 'make' him invite anyone he doesn't want to. I actually had a parent come to my house once asking why their son was left out of the invitations (they were about 8) and I just explained that it was totally his choice, that we also had family members to invite and that numbers were limited.

AlwaysLatte · 24/03/2023 11:15

Oh I just saw the other son was invited last month. I have a couple of times organised sleepovers for children who didn't come to parties but we felt we owed a return invites.

Goldbar · 24/03/2023 11:15

It is a bit of a snub really. Your DS accepted this boy's hospitality but doesn't want to return it.

I would make it clear to your DS that he can be friends with whoever he wants, that's up to him, but blowing hot and cold the whole time really isn't on, especially when it comes to party invites. Either he's close enough to this boy that they exchange invites, whether they're getting on or not, or he isn't and they don't.

Courgeon · 24/03/2023 11:21

Albiboba · 24/03/2023 10:07

If he doesn’t like the other boy why did he attend his party?
Its pretty shitty to attend a party a month ago and not invite the kid in return.

Agree with this. You should have made him invite him. I stopped parties when DC were 8 and went for a couple of close mates for cinema and pizza instead. Parties are horrendous and I question that the DC actually enjoy them that much. My ds last "party" was when he was 8. Took about 10 of them to the cinema where several of them behaved atrociously then back to mine where I'd hired a bouncy castle which they ignored, then my DS ended up in floods of tears due to the shitty aggressive behaviour of some of the other boys, I had to call the parents and ask them to come early and got grief for that as they'd "planned their day" apparently. Some of those parents with the shitty aggressive sons are still arsey with me to this day, 5 years later. Kids parties are the devil's work.

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 11:22

Goldbar · 24/03/2023 11:15

It is a bit of a snub really. Your DS accepted this boy's hospitality but doesn't want to return it.

Well this is the thing. They are and then they aren't. I agree with you though, he either doesn't accept these invites from others or he does and has to be prepared to return them. Obviously at the time of the boys party I didn't realise we'd be in this position. It's a really tricky one as I don't want to upset anyone but I also didn't want to force ds. It's too late to invite him now without it looking like a major afterthought and then there'd still be others in the class not coming who I'd end up feeling guilty about.

There is no agenda from ds or from me. He's invited a kid who has never once invited him to a party. He's also invited a kid from a different class just because they get along.

OP posts:

Allmyplantsdie · 24/03/2023 11:25

You don’t accept invitations that you aren’t prepared to return.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 24/03/2023 11:27

YABU for not broaching the subject with the Mum.
I think if you get ahead of the situation and explain it face to face most people will appreciate your efforts to smooth things over.
Whereas, if you let them find out through the grapevine, it feels like more of a snub.
"Hi Stephanie (or whatever her name is), I know DC usually invites little Timmy to his parties but this year he's chosen something very expensive/with limited numbers/that's really more of a girls thing (delete as applicable). Can we arrange for our kids to hang out at (insert date).
If you're friendly with the Mum it's really best to give her a heads up she she can finesse any possible disappointment. Especially if you want to maintain your own friendship with her.

Original poster

pollyskettle11 · 24/03/2023 11:33

Allmyplantsdie · 24/03/2023 11:25

You don’t accept invitations that you aren’t prepared to return.

Surely that depends on the type of the party? Ds was invited to a very expensive activity party along with the rest of the boys in his class. It was great and must have cost a fortune. We aren't in a position to provide a party like that. Does that mean ds shouldn't have accepted the invite?

That approach also doesn't really take into account how circumstances can change. Kids fall out.

I do agree with the overall sentiment though and maybe should have insisted that ds just suck it up and invite him. I hate to cause offence and upset.

OP posts:

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