To hold my father to account instead of going NC?

[ToastMarmalade]

I understand that people have gone NC with family members, and it’s probably good for many reasons.

My father was very distant, hardly around when I grew up, he had a great job where he went golfing with the boss for a huge firm, got flown to New York, and had endless affairs with secretaries. My mother had to go to work full-time as a teacher but also look after us full-time, she found an older lady to help take care of us. We were constantly poor, lived in a block of flats whilst my father played tennis and went to parties.

He left after one affair too many, without saying a word to us when I was 7 years old and we didn’t even know where he lived for 6 months. Eventually we had sporadic contact, where he would treat us to a meal out or something fancy.

He married a much younger woman and he had two more kids. He was a much better father to them, involved and around. He lost his high flying jobs and worked hard.

Me and my brother kept up contact. We never, ever talked about the past or complained if he didn’t show up. I had my own kids and he was happy to be a grandfather. It seemed fine, and we wanted to get to know our half brother and sister, and did quite a lot for them like babysitting or visiting.

But in reality it was still only once or twice a year, he wasn't involved as a grandad in any meaningful way. With me it eventually felt like he only contacted me if he wanted to talk about his second children, he was constantly worried about them and his wife and they often had mental health problems. He started to talk about ‘his children’ as only his second children, me and my brother were sidelines if that. He stopped phoning or receiving calls. For years he’d be quite passive aggressive, saying that we didn’t visit enough, but we never felt welcomed even when we did, and had zero interest in his grandchildren.

Now I’m 50 years old. My children don’t know him. He had a health scare last year and told almost everyone in the family except me and my brother. We sent messages but he barely replies, weeks later. My brother has had enough and has gone NC.

I hardly make the effort but I feel like I want to hold him to account. I have never, ever put my own view across about how I’ve felt. Has anyone else done this? He’s older, but is now courting other family members, like his (female) cousins, phoning them up, inviting them over. So he’s capable of making the effort when it suits him. I think he’d rather go NC as he doesn’t want to face me.

I understand why you might want to hold him to account, but he sounds like a completely self-centered human with very little conscience and a broken moral compass.

I really doubt you'll get any satisfaction trying to make this man take responsibility for any of his actions. I predict faux shock followed by a litany of excuses.

I had one of these fathers. You can certainly confront him, but be prepared to be patronized or outright dismissed. Some people really just aren't worth your time and energy, OP.

You'll never hold him to account as he feels no guilt at all. Save yourself further pain and distance yourself.

I’d think carefully about what you’re hoping to get from him as i think you’re very unlikely to get remorse and regret; most likely him being defensive. If all you want is to share how you feel and you can be ok with whatever his response is then fine it may be cathartic but tread carefully if you’re hoping that he will hold himself to account afterwards

That sounds awful 😞. I challenged my DF recently for his dreadful behaviour after decades of tolerating him, he did exactly what another poster said - refused to acknowledge or just belittled what I said. It did make me feel better and he's stopped being quite so nasty but it's early days

These sort of parents really can't self reflect unfortunately

Don't waste your time talking - he will never take responsibility for his actions - go straight to NC.

What makes you think he's capable of being held to account? He would need the capacity to own his crap parenting and take responsibility for treating you differently. And that's not going to happen is it? Sadly my sweet, I think your brother has the right approach x

Oh, and whatever you do do not allow yourself to be manipulated into any kind of "caring" role now that he's older and his health is declining. He hasn't earned that but his type tend to expect it as their due.

I agree that you would only be opening up the wound further and putting salt right in.

My situation is different but I think emotionally immature parents need their adult children to reflect back their narrative. With his second family he gets to enjoy the narrative that he's an uncomplicated nice guy, father and husband.

Totally different situation but althouguh I felt it was obvious that my parents projected a lot on to me to avoid confronting their defensiveness, avoidance and belief that emotions are disgusting, my mother literally turned on me when I tried to hold her to account. Classic DARVO. She threw herself up on the cross, the victim of me. Counter attacked me with more labels, I was angry, insane, detached from reality. my father reprimanded me for hurting mum. My mother gave me a silent treatment that has gone on for three years and she's smeared me to all the relatives too.

So I'd advise backing away even though you think the relationship is already distant. Perhaps you could test him, ask him if he'd be prepared to hear your perspective. See how he reacts. Inch forward slowly. I suppose that just because he had a second family doesn't automatically mean he is super defensive like my mother is.

But if he won't hear you. If you ask to be heard and he refuses for his own comfort, that will be so painful.

His character is just too ingrained at this stage. As PP have said it won't go well, and IME can go spectacularly badly.
Write him a really long letter where you have your say ... then burn it or file it.

Have you posted about this before ? You need to go nc, and really it won’t be any big loss to you will it ?

Thanks for the responses. He’s become quite petty with me, he has arranged a big family gathering right before one that I’ve arranged for example. Knowing that the family would have to travel quite a way and so would have to choose ‘which one’. Of course me and my brother weren’t invited to his one!

I don’t think he will listen to me, just part of me wants to say some things. I am practically NC as any communication is just petty so I’ve just ignored it.