I don’t even know where to start with this but it’s driving me insane and could really do with some advice.
Myself & DP (together for 5 years) have 4 children between us, I have two teens from previous relationship, he has a 7 year old DD and we have a 3 year old DS together.
They all live with us most of the week, my two visit their dad for two nights, step DD stays at her mums for three nights. MIL’s relationship with step DD has always been very close, she had her overnight from being a baby regularly and this has continued up to present day, MIL visits her on the days she stays at her Mum’s and regularly has her overnight on one of mums 3 days, yet from the off she hasn’t shown an interest in our DS, she didn’t visit him at all until he was 3 months old, then would drop in every few weeks or so eventually developing in to her having him for a couple of hours on a Thursday afternoon and taking him shopping with her and to her cleaning job, last year she cancelled on him for 6 consecutive weeks because she was ‘too busy’ ‘had a cough’ ‘some long distant friend of a family had passed away’ all the while continuing to see step DD on her set days of Tuesday evening and sleepovers most Fridays (if she didn’t sleep over she would still visit) we got into an argument about it and she put it down to me being jealous of her relationship with step DD because she likes her more than me eye roll - this resulted in her not speaking to myself or DP and not seeing our DS for 9 months!! But continued her visits with step DD via her Mum.
It started to upset me that DS was missing out on his grandparent whilst his sister was coming home telling us about her time with her, the presents she’d been bought and places she’d been etc so I convinced DP to try and make amends and take DS round to visit - this went ok and although she didn’t apologise or acknowledge how hurtful she’d been we agreed to draw a line & she started to make an effort to visit DS once every 2 weeks, due to her shifts this was done whilst my mum (my childcare) had my DS so she would collect him from there take him to the shops / cleaning job and take him back, occasionally I’d ask her to not take him out in the rain if he was unwell (she doesn’t drive) and she would moan a bit but went with it.
Fast forward to last month, MIL rings step DD’s mum after they’d had a sleepover saying DD doesn’t want to come home to our house, was crying, petrified, frightened etc and asked mum to collect her, mum rang DP who went to collect DD and she was absolutely fine, said she was playing with her friend next door and didn’t want to leave just yet… MIL made this into a massive ordeal and suggested there was some form of abuse going on at home and that’s why DD didn’t want to come back. I asked Mum to call round that night to discuss as I didn’t want her thinking her DD wasn’t safe, loved and cared for etc, she said she had no concerns but came round and we had a lengthy chat, she saw how happy and comfortable DD was in our care etc and said she’d only ever discussed our home positively with her and MIL had gone off on an incorrect tangent… then continued to tell me all of the lies MIL has been telling her regarding mine and DP’s relationship, saying he was never home and I was left to care for step DD whilst he was on weekend benders etc amongst other weird lies, some as irrelevant as me not having a relationship with my own mother, and we’ve fallen out with certain friends etc all of which are not true! Then said MIL has told her she has never liked me, doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and step DD will always be her favourite.
We had a talk with DD who has said MIL says things like ‘she doesn’t like you’ ‘she doesn’t think you fit into their family’ ‘she doesn’t love you like the others’ she being me. I’ve reassured DD that this is not true and she says she knows and doesn’t listen, but she does love MIL a lot and enjoys spending time with her, likes having sleepover etc - they are very close.
After a discussion with DP it was agreed that because we cannot trust her around DS as she lies to the children and is very toxic in her behaviours, if she wants to see him it must be supervised - he discussed DD with her mum and it was agreed they could continue their relationship as usual, which did annoy me as she’s filling her head with nonsense but they felt it would hurt DD to stop or change contact so left it as it is.
MIL refused to have supervised visits with DS ‘because it’s for peados ’ and said she’d see a solicitor about contact with him this was 6 weeks ago and we’ve heard nothing since…
DD arrives home from visit with mum yesterday saying she’s going to turkey with MIL for one week in may, Mum says ‘I’ve said it’s ok with me if you’re happy with it’ to DP infront of DD and so DP feels he has no choice but to agree so as not to hurt DD!
My concern is that this is just not fair on DS! He already has to listen to his sisters stories of their outings and things she’s been bought by MIL and now has to know that his grandmother is taking her sister on holiday and he gets absolutely nothing!
I’ve tried discussing this with DP who says he’s not cutting off DDs nose to spite MIL but how can she get away with doing this and how do we explain to our DS why he misses out on so much and doesn’t have a relationship with his grandmother whilst she spoils his sister with everything she wants?
I’ve lost so much sleep over thinking of the heartbreak it’s going to cause to DS and I really don’t know how to deal with the situation! I want her to face repercussions for the trouble she’s tried to cause and the hurt she’s caused my DS, I don’t want DSD to miss out in any way but she’s booking holidays without even asking permission and literally dictates everything she does and it’s frustrating me beyond belief! DP says either get over it or encourage a relationship between her and DS again because he’s not going to hurt DD by refusing anything MIL wants but I can’t do let her have him without supervision & she’s not interested in seeing him otherwise!
Apologies for longwindedness, but any advice would be greatly taken! Xx