Need parenting classes ?

[lucie333]

Been in tears all morning, with my 3 year olds behaviour and knowing I could have handled it better. I feel like I do nothing but shout at him, I know I shouldn't but I get so over stimulated it just comes out, his behaviour triggers my abuse from my childhood- my mum was horrible she would shout and hit us for any minor issue( I'm not like this with my son ) but when he pushes me so far I can't help but shout. I feel like I have undiagnosed ADHD or some other condition, I've been on waiting list for 5 years now for therapy, there's no help. I have asked my HV for parenting classes but she said they don't find them anymore. My issue is I don't know any other way to be a mum because it was all I grew up around ( shouting, swearing, hitting, name calling, sexual abuse) I love my babies so much I don't want to end up like my mum, I want them to see me as a safe space but I know I'm not that person, their dad is. What can I do ? I need help but no one is giving it to me because I'm not on the verge of suicide. I don't want to kill myself but I do just want to disappear, I feel helpless and numb, I've felt like this my whole life, it's more than depression because the feeling has never left. I started SH at 10 to cope with my emotions, there was no help then, and there's none now. AIBU to think I've been let down by everyone? No one thinks I need it. What can do from here?

This is just so sad. Please don't feel a failure as a mother. Your child know you love them. You're right, there is so little help out there now. No suggestions but wanted you to know that there are people out here who know what you are going through.

Have you tried doing a self referral to mind at all? Or speaking to your health visitor?

If you do find yourself shouting when you feel you shouldnt have, you can always apologise when the situation has calmed down

What are your main triggers for the shouting?

Do you get enough support?

@pinkthree I didn't know you could self refer, health visitor hasn't been much help I asked for parenting classes but she said they don't fund them anymore. Triggers for the shouting are mainly when he screams or has a melt down, I always try reason with him but it rarely works. I don't know why these things trigger me. Sometimes I can control it on my bad days I can't, I've been to doctors too they said it's normal part of being a mum but this didn't feel normal 😞

Thank you so much ❤️

You are not a bad mother ! You’re not perfect but not many of us are . Ok shouting isn’t great but you are aware of that . Apologise if you do shout and show lots of love . Ideally you will find some help but even if you don’t keep trying your hardest and keep showing love . Your babies would be lost without you they need you i their lives you are the most important person to them

@lucie333 could you get some AirPods or noise cancelling headphones and put on a podcast or some music when he is screaming to try and block it out a bit? Obviously still be there and cuddle him, reassure him etc but I think for a lot of people the crying/screaming itself is a big trigger

Have a look at see if there is a homestart group near you. Also ask your health visitor if there are any local charities or support groups locally. We have a number of local groups who will support with parenting, not just with parenting courses. If you are happy to PM me a location, I can see what I can find for you?

I am sorry that your health visitor is not more helpful.

I always apologise and say mummy shouldn't have shouted at you, that wasn't nice of mummy, mummy loves you so much. I hope he knows how much I love him.

That would be great thank you. I'm not sure how to PM you though sorry but I'll try figure it out and give you a message 😊

Have messaged you - you can find messages under the profile button at the top right on a browser page!

I don't think you need parenting classes, you need help for yourself to cope with your childhood. Mental health charities might be a good idea as previously suggested. Also some private therapists will work for a reduced rate if you're not able to pay their standard fees. You'd need to reach out and ask a few. Also go back to your GP. See a different doctor, the one you saw sounds like a knob, and ask for your referral to NHS services to be expedited. You wrote that you didn't want to kill yourself, but you wanted to disappear. .. Tell the GP that. Would you consider antidepressants untill you were able to access therapy?

Please know that you are amazingly strong and resilient to seek help, and to continue to seek it after your GP and health visitor have let you down.

You are struggling in a way many others have done before you and it's OK to admit it and ask for support, as you are doing.

I did a 123 magic discipline course with my local sure start centre when my ds was a two year old tear away. Not many centres like that around, our local authority has community family hubs now and Home start charity could offer similar help.

Search on Facebook for keywords family hub. Your health visitor should be able to signpost you to help but it sounds like they aren't interested beyond saying their service itself doesn't offer help

I really feel for you, I've felt very similar. It's great that you're actively looking for support and shows that you're wanting to make a positive change. Really your health visitor should be signposting you to support, I'm sorry they're being a bit rubbish. Do try them and the GP again.

It's very hard to parent at your best if you're not feeling at your best, so giving yourself some breathing space might help, like going for a walk on your own or some time out of the home once a week so you can just be an adult.

In terms of free content to help with parenting I find this Instagram account helpful: https://instagram.com/biglittlefeelings?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= and the BBC's Tiny Happy People helpful: https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/behaviour-and-wellbeing

There are some free online parenting courses: https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/online-parenting-courses/parents-together?referer=/how-we-can-help/online-parenting-courses and you might be able to find some books to help you address your feelings about your own childhood in the library? Some people find the Philippa Perry book ' The book you'll wish your parents had read' helpful for this.