To keep this to myself?

[Newbie198]

Diagnosed with BCC (skin cancer). Chemo cream has removed one pre cancer spot, and reduced the size of the BCC so far. Having other marks checked out.

I haven’t told husband, grown children and definitely not elderly parents. All would panic, and then worry. A lot.

It’s a very common, low risk condition and there’s a very good chance it will be treated successfully by creams alone and no one would ever know.

Can I add the Dr was unconcerned, blasé even.

Has anyone here kept a medical condition to themselves?

Please be kind, as despite everything, I am indeed feeling a bit fragile about it all this evening, hence the post.

Depending on your relationship, of course, I would definitely tell my DH if this was happening. As for your adult DC and parents, probably not. It's none of their business and no point in upsetting anyone.

Yes when I was much younger.

I don’t think it’s good for you though. Skin cancers are often very treatable so your husband should know this - could you not confide in him? I would worry about what it would do to your long term relationship if you don’t. Kids and parents I think can be told after that fact - but again, I don’t think hiding it for ever does relationships any good.

Your health is your personal business and you're allowed to keep it private.

However it is usually better to live honestly, I would hope I could tell my husband.

I hope your treatment goes well

Is there anyone you can speak to? It’s a lot to keep hidden imo. You are very brave, hope all goes well.

I don’t think I’ve ever kept anything hidden, definitely nothing major. I know what you mean though, sometimes other people’s worries make you more anxious. 💐

Yes, I usually keep health issues to myself and only divulge to others on a need to know basis. I find being ill stressful enough without having to deal with other peoples reactions to it.

I would probably tell my husband. Just in case something happened and I needed my medical info disclosed and I wasn’t in a position to do so. I wouldn’t tell my parents or my kids. It’s up to you though.

Good luck with the treatment x

As you say BCC is easily treated so if people are going to worry and do your head in then fine. I had that cream treatment and it looks horrendous as it's happening so if it's your face or something they will notice.

I didn't tell my work my husband had cancer and a stem cell transplant. They still don't know.

BCC isn’t a cancer of concern as far as I understand (my dad has had it) so I would tell my husband. But then I can’t keep things to myself.

I would, and have, kept my own health matters to myself when I have needed confirmation on something or when it's not serious and treatable to avoid panicking my DH. I have, on three occasions, had a cancer scare which has, luckily, turned out not to be cancer after all. On the last occasion I was convinced it was but didn't share it because my beloved DH would have been so scared it would have made me feel even worse. I went as far as working out which of my belongings would go to which child, and sorting out the bedroom drawers I would be embarrassed to have my children look through. If I were you I would probably keep it to myself unless it turned out to be untreatable or to need treatment that couldn't be hidden. However I'm not advocating that approach - it is just what I would do.

The worry is a lot to carry on your own.
And yes, the treatment will likely leave you with angry flakey patches while you're using it as PP have said.
Only you can decide, @Newbie198, but it's a case of how far you are prepared to lie. For instance, what if it's a bit deeper and you need an excision? (Perfectly curable BTW - my brother had a complex skin cancer removed from his face and he's fine.)
Think it through before you make a decision to keep it all to yourself.
All the best.

This is exactly how I feel. I only want to deal with my own reaction/emotions & i want everyone to act normal around me.

I might tell my DH but not children or elderly relatives.

Just to add, my ex mil was a nurse & her back had quite a lot of this & she had the cream & she was v blase about it & said lots of people have it. My Ex has also just had it on his ear & had the cream. Its gone now.

My DP would be very hurt if he found out I’d been dealing with that by myself (and no matter your bravado, your last sentence tells me you’re not as gung ho as you make out!) and that alone would make me want to tell him.

My parents have kept things to themselves so as 'not to worry me' and it actually really hurt. I don't know if that's selfish of me but I'd like to be kept informed as we're so close.

BCC is not something you need to discuss outwith your immediate family. I had one removed from just under my nose, local anaesthetic and no stitches as you get a smaller scar if you dont have them. Luckily for me just before a lockdown so nobody saw my dressing! Only my husband and children know. It's not life threatening so no need to cause unnecessary worry to others.

I don't know why they changed the name to cancer from ulcer. It gives off such scary connotations. Hugh Jackman has had at least 17 removed over the years and they don't belong in the same sentence as a melanoma.
DH had one removed last year and it was such a non event I don't think he told anyone.

I think it’s entirely up to you and your right not to disclose health matters. BCC is very treatable but I’ve known people get multiple BCCs so it may be something that you need to keep on returning to hospital for treatment.

Yes I did. I did a quick weigh up of pros and cons and decided I would keep it to myself. I don't like drama or fuss.

My mum had heart disease for over 6 years and didn’t tell anybody. It’s devastating as it makes me question our entire relationship and it’s too late for honest conversations as she has died. I think please don’t do this to your husband at least.( I completely agree with not telling your parents)

I couldn’t not tell my dh, I’d maybe not tell the adult dcs but it’s not something I’d could keep from him.
when dh had bcc I’d have been really upset if he hadn’t told me but he had to have surgery so it’s not like he could have hidden it from me as he looked like he’d taken on Freddy Kruger when he came home!

Of course the decision is entirely up to you but is this going to cause upset if your dh finds out further down the line?

Thank you all for your helpful, wise and kind comments.

Happily married for over 30 years. Dh knows my no fuss character and would understand if he found out I’d kept it from him.

Also, he would understandably want to offload to a friend, so I risk ‘Jim from work’ knowing my personal medical situation but not my kids. Still all live as a family at home with the adult children so couldn’t expect him to keep it a secret from the kids, he would really struggle with that.

Surprised and relieved at those who understand not wanting a fuss and dealing with the worries of everyone else. I thought I was unusual but as always everyone deals with things differently.

Those who have been hurt by family secrets, I hear you and I’m sorry.

Feel much better this morning, and your thoughts have really helped thank you.

I’m the same. I’ve had a BCC removed and had a GA for gallbladder surgery and gynae surgery without telling anyone, just got on with it and dealt with it myself.

I've just had on removed and to be honest, I wish I'd kept it to myself. Not from DH, but the rest of the family. Although mine was massive and I needed a skin graft so not easy to hide.

BUT, it really is a non-event where cancer is concerned. It is a 'cancer' that doesn't spread to other organs or lymph nodes or something, so it's not life threatening.

If your family will panic, just keep it to yourself, but maybe mention to DH, with the caveat that it's really not bad. My plastic surgeon's words were: "If you're gonna choose a cancer, this will be the one to have." Not ideal but I suppose it's true.

Ask yourself whether you'd be happy for your DH, DC and DP to also keep any medical conditions secret from you. If yes, then sure, keep it secret.

I think it's quite sad though, if I found out a family member was keeping this sort of thing a secret from me I would question whether we are as close as I thought we were.

My DF had his first one when I was a teenager and didn’t tell me. He told me it was just a flaky bit of skin irritated by shaving and I didn’t think any more of it. He has had several more since I’ve been an adult and told me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with not telling your DC but it might be easier for you to offload onto your DH. Please try not to worry too much (easier said than done, I realise). As I’ve said, my DF has had several over the years - they’ll keep an eye on you and keep checking for anything new and for my DF it’s been easily resolved each time.

I would definitely tell my DH. And as a the daughter of a dad that always tried to hide his health problems I would tell DC.