Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd - challenge, leave or ignore?

12 replies

CraftyNameChanger · 22/03/2023 21:24

I've been going to a local craft group for a few weeks. It's an informal drop-in group and very welcoming. There's usually about 15 of us, we sit around a big table working on our own projects, lots of friendly chat and helping each other out when we're learning new skills.

Today we were talking about our holidays when someone said 'make sure you don't book a hotel full of asylum seekers'. This led to a third of the group coming out with a load of really nasty stuff about asylum seekers, such as Braverman says or in the daily mail comments. Everyone else went silent, I said a couple of things about Britain taking fewer refugees than most countries and there being no legal routes from most countries, but this just wound them up and made them more trenchant so then I shut up too. Eventually someone changed the subject but I left feeling pretty churned up.

I know everyone's entitled to hold whatever opinions they want. Not all my friends share my views, sometimes we'll talk about politics it but mostly it doesn't come up and we just talk about other stuff and get on with being friends.

Ideally I'd like to keep going to the group but I don't want to listen to nasty shit like that. Next time it happens should I...
a) say in a light-hearted way 'can we not talk about politics here please',
b) challenge their views more strongly than I did today,
c) stay silent like the rest of the group did,
d) leave the group.

Or something else - WWYD?

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 22/03/2023 21:28

D because experience says any other option will not end well, and I have zero qualms adopt cutting such people out of my life. Staying silent and still attending would make feel hypocritical as if I was endorsing their beliefs.

mbosnz · 22/03/2023 21:29

I'd say, 'and that's why there's a general etiquette not to talk politics, sex, or religion - should we move on?'

And I have. They don't have to listen to my views but I shouldn't have to listen to theirs.

It's a crafting group, not a debating society or action group.

Thedogscollar · 22/03/2023 21:31

B then D.
I'd let them know exactly what I thought. I couldn't sit and be friendly with people with such racist views.

NalafromtheLionKing · 22/03/2023 21:32

Maybe D if you don’t gel with the others.

SeeNoWeevilHearNoWeevil · 22/03/2023 21:34

D, I couldn’t sit there comfortably knowing their views.

ChrisPPancake · 22/03/2023 21:37

D. Take the nice ones with you and set up another group.

They won't be open to you challenging them and you won't change their minds.

JudgeRudy · 22/03/2023 21:49

This is a very difficult situation. I have some views that others don't agree with and I hear some views that I really don't agree with. If it's should I pick my 19 year old son up from work at midnight it doesn't affect me too much. If you were my partner it might and could possibly affect our relationship but ld find it hard to listen to someone eg say they wished the refugees drowned. I find that shocking. But if someone said 'funny how they're all young fit men' I'd feel differently. A lot of hate is based on ignorance so when someone is in financial difficulty they say 'if I came over on a boat, I'd be put up in a luxury hotel then given a council house' or ' there's ex soldiers homeless. Why don't we help our own?' Both of these last 2 statements show a complete lack of understanding, not necessarily compassion. I'm more tolerant of ignorant people (thick or not well informed) than bigots.
I often wondered if we grilled each other enough we'd find something abhorrent in all of us.

Original poster
CraftyNameChanger · 22/03/2023 21:49

Yeah I don't know why I put C in because I'm not going to do that! The way that over half the group went suddenly and totally silent made me think they were unhappy with what was being said too and tbh I'd expected at least someone to back me up but no-one did. I've got no problem with challenging stuff though I can't imagine I'd change anyone's mind here.

I don't want to leave because I've recently moved to this town, wfh self-employed, am trying to socialise and have met a couple of really nice women at the group (which has led to invited to other things).

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 22/03/2023 22:01

A
You enjoy the group. Honestly, lots of people have the opinion where I live especially what would be classed as working class and older generation, family members included. Iv debated with family members until I'm blue in face, they won't change their opinion. I now say we will agree to disagree.
You can still be friendly with people who hold vastly different political and social values to your own

Obki · 22/03/2023 22:45

You can still be friendly with people who hold vastly different political and social values to your own

Thus speaks white privilege. As a BAME person I will not be friendly with racists, which it sounds like these people are given OP said they said very nasty things.

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/03/2023 22:49

If you enjoy it, maybe just start another conversation with someone else when the shit talk starts. So rather than silence, it will just be a lot of people talking at once and you won’t hear it. It might get the point across that most of you aren’t interested in that topic.

Sortyourlifeout · 22/03/2023 22:54

With all the will in the world, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page