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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that one needs to care about someone to ‘be there for them’?

16 replies

Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 16:06

I said it all in the title really. I’m feeling a bit philosophical today and am pondering what it actually means to say that ‘I’m there for you’ or for someone to ‘be there for you’.

Obviously you don’t have to be ‘close friends’ to be there for someone, but I would assume that you would have to at least care about them to say ‘I’ll be there for you’?

Is saying ‘I’ll be there for you’ a sign of friendship, or is it just an annoying line from a Wombats song these days that means little in practice.

Thoughts? How lightly would you say that yourselves?

Vote

YABU - No, you don’t need to actually care about someone to say you’ll be there for them.

YANBU - Yes, I wouldn’t say I’ll be there for someone unless I actually cared about them.

OP posts:
AnnoyedFromSlough · 22/03/2023 16:23

I wouldn't say it 'lightly' - as in, I wouldn't say it and not mean it - but I would definitely say it to people that I don't have any significant fondness for, other than a) I know them and b) I know they are going through a tough time.

However I probably wouldn't say 'I'm here for you' (it's just not something I would say to anyone, I don't like that it's putting the focus so much on 'me'), but I would be more likely to say something like 'if there is anything you need/anything I can do, just ask'.

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 22/03/2023 16:25

People may say it out if a sense of duty.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/03/2023 16:30

Well, if you don’t really care about or for somebody then the likelihood of you wanting to listen to them talk about a problem for an hour and a half in the evening when you’re tired, or being willing to give up a day of your weekend because they need your help and support with something is very slim. I wouldn’t tell somebody I’d be there for them if I had no intention whatsoever of actually being there for them (albeit within some limitations.)

I’m sure some people do just say the words and then secretly hope they’re never actually needed or will be able to make their excuses, though.

extremeprivacypreferred · 22/03/2023 16:34

I don't understand what it mean really, tbh. It always strikes me as a bit of a meaningless soundbite.

See also "let me know if there's anything you need" when somebody you love is dying.

Like it's so vague. Are you offering to answer the phone if I feel like chatting (weird if it's not a close friend) or are you offering to do something practical like cooking a meal for the freezer? Which would also maybe be a bit awkward.

Trite bullshit people say because they feel they have to, I suspect.

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/03/2023 16:43

I wouldn’t say it to anyone other than a close friend.

In practice “being there” for someone means being prepared to significantly put yourself out for them, ie lending them money or listening to them talking about a problem at an inconvenient time. There’s a very small number of people I would be inclined to do that for and it would be dishonest and trite to claim to want to do it for an acquaintance.

Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 17:02

Interesting - so form the vote at least it seems that it isn’t something that is said lightly. You wouldn’t say it to someone you didn’t care about/had fondness for, it seems.

OP posts:
Penniless · 22/03/2023 17:04

Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 17:02

Interesting - so form the vote at least it seems that it isn’t something that is said lightly. You wouldn’t say it to someone you didn’t care about/had fondness for, it seems.

It sounds as if you’re asking about this because someone said it to you, and you’re trying to gauge whether they consider you a friend or have feelings for you?

Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 17:10

@Penniless - typical Mumsnet detective. Sorry but you’re way off of the mark. Indeed it’s a phrase I wasn’t sure about using in my own dealings. The responses on here have somewhat swayed me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 17:34

I completely agree @Thepeopleversuswork - it seems like a big commitment to say it, although a few on here suggest that it is often said in vein. My word is my bond, so I would never say it and hope I was not taken up on it.

I guess though you don’t have to be close friends (ie speak to someone often) to be there for them. So long as the fondness/friendship sentiment is there, I think it’s fine also to be there for someone as in act when they reach out for help. I’d just consider myself as a ‘supportive’ friend (occasional contact) rather than a ‘close’ friend (consistent contact).

OP posts:
Penniless · 22/03/2023 17:51

Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 17:10

@Penniless - typical Mumsnet detective. Sorry but you’re way off of the mark. Indeed it’s a phrase I wasn’t sure about using in my own dealings. The responses on here have somewhat swayed me!

I’m not, it’s just that your question and phrasing reminded me of a poster who used to come on Mn regularly and ask ‘if you said xxxx to a person, would that mean you considered them a friend?’ She would regularly include entire text messages, or notes. I don’t mean I think you are that poster, who was clearly not very well, anxious and socially-awkward, possibly neurodiverse, but it made me wonder whether you were wondering whether the phrase was a token of friendship because it had been said to you. (There’s another current thread from a neurodiverse poster wondering whether her colleagues are actually being sincere or sarcastic because they address her as ‘Lovely X’.)

I’m pretty sure I’ve never said I’d be there for someone, probably because it sounds both like a slick sound bite and very vague — what exactly does ‘being there’ involve?

Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 18:41

Ah wow. I don’t read all of the threads on here .

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 22/03/2023 18:43

I have never heard this used used sincerely. Its just a British phrase meaning there there never mind isn't it.

Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 19:01

@Conkersinautumn I thought so too but the poll suggests otherwise…

OP posts:
GoldZip · 22/03/2023 19:12

Interesting.

During DH's final illness and the months after his death I found those most likely to say "we're here for you" or "you know where we are" were actually the least likely to actually be there.

The 2 people I'm most grateful to for that time were a woman I'd known as an acquaintance for many years but didn't consider a close friend. She'd been through a similar illness with her DH (though he surived) and just kept in contact, showed the right level of interest, shared some experiences and arranged to meet for coffee. She actually arranged it "let's have coffee tomorrow at 3" rather than "let me know uf you want to get coffee" iyswim.

The other was a man who DH I both knew a it bit again not well. He was at a lose end because of some changes in his own life, so I suspect he was glad of someone to do something nice for, but again he just did it rather than saying he'd do it. He turned up regularly, took me out for a run and sat and had a chat and drink with DH afterwards. Did little jobs that DH would have done when he was well and that were playing on DH's mind once he couldn't do them.

Neither made any grand promises or declarations, but I'll never forget their kindness.

Original poster
Sammy801 · 22/03/2023 21:51

Interesting @GoldZip

OP posts:
finalwhistle · 22/03/2023 22:18

or is it just an annoying line from a Wombats song these days that means little in practice. It was the Rembrandts 😜

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