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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am at my wits end with my immature partner

64 replies

Alexbh · 22/03/2023 11:18

I am at my wits end in my relationship. Since the beginning my partner has demonstrated a clear lack of consideration and respect for me which he seems to think is made right by the other 65% of time he’s not being a complete pig!
My partner has always told
his friends and work colleagues personal details of our relationship or even my life which I have made him aware numerous times I do not appreciate. Four years on here we are with him on the phone with his mates in the work van this morning thinking he was funny and pointing out to all of them I’ve had Botox. I actually wanted to keep it quiet not that it mattered at all to him. I know it seems small. Buts it’s on going. He also pulls faces at me all the time and constantly sighs at me and talks to me in a tone I don’t appreciate unless he is trying to get something out of me or laugh at my expense I’ve had enough of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alexbh · 22/03/2023 12:23

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 22/03/2023 12:15

As you say it isnt as simple as picking up and leaving him but i would do a month of no conversation that you do not want repeating and then when he asks why you dont talk to him about personal things anymore i would sit him down and say because i am seriously considering leaving you as you continually disrespect me and i feel i have no confidence and trust that i can confide in you...What does he plan to do about it? take it from there. It may come down with you seriously having to get things lined up to leave if he doesnt sort himself out but tell him last chance. You honestly dont want to live miserable like this for the however many years when you already have enough on your plate. Good Luck OP and hope he gets his act together.

Thank you 💗

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 22/03/2023 12:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2023 12:24

Being an arse to other posters isn't helping you. You have two options. Suck it up and stay or leave the twat. Your choice.

Eyerollcentral · 22/03/2023 12:25

Alexbh · 22/03/2023 12:22

Ok so I got pregnant pretty early in our relationship on in the pandemic, does that clear it up now ? 6 months in. I really didn’t see it until I’d already had my son. Prematurely. Who has been left with problems. Everything isn’t black and white.

Show quote history

It’s black and white that you then had another baby despite incontrovertibly knowing he was a twat then. Even if you found out he was a twat after the first baby you didn’t need to stay with him, you chose to do that. I’m not getting at you but you have to be honest with yourself if you want to change your life. If you want to keep living in misery then keep kidding yourself. Make sure your contraceptive is sorted you do not need another child with this man.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 12:28

I mean it is pretty black and white, you had a baby with someone you barely knew, that's a huge gamble to take.

Ponderingwindow · 22/03/2023 12:30

He is unlikely to change, but this is behavior he could modulate. Marriage counseling could help him understand how his behavior is negatively impacting your relationship. If it fails, you will at least know you made the effort and perhaps made a bit of a difference in trying to adjust the behavior of a man who is going to have a heavy influence on your children whether your leave or stay.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:36

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 12:28

I mean it is pretty black and white, you had a baby with someone you barely knew, that's a huge gamble to take.

And now it's too late for her to change that, and my guess is that she wouldn't go back in time and give her child up if you could organise it for her. Why do you think slamming her for it is going to help?

OP he seems to listen when you talk as he does change for a time then starts again. I wouldn't normally suggest this but, have you ever embarrassed him back? Just a response like "well one of us needs to make an effort in the relationship" might have shut him up at that point in time.

What are the other issues, aside from him being a gobshite?

underneaththeash · 22/03/2023 12:40

Don’t tell him stuff and do the same with him with your mates within earshot.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2023 12:40

Alexbh · 22/03/2023 12:09

Why did I have kids with him if he was an arse hole?
he didn’t decide to show me he was an arse hole until I was heavily pregnant on my second child (his first) my eldest is from a previous relationship, and 10 years old. He’s a little younger than me. After that he did a good job of being nice for long enough to convince me he had changed and we had another. Wow you mrs perfects , I hope all you see is all you truly get with your own husbands and your life perfect all the way through. The rest of us understand reality happens though. And people can pretend well.

Tbf you wrote Since the beginning my partner has demonstrated a clear lack of consideration and respect for me so BEFORE kids he didn't show you respect or consideration. That's why people are asking. Because it sounds like he's always treated you like shit and always will because you've always tolerated it you deserve more.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2023 12:45

And obv with three kids it's never as simple as LTB but perhaps he needs to know that emotionally, you're at that point.

And agree with others. Tell him nothing you wouldn't put on Facebook. If he doesn't care that you no longer share stuff with him, then that tells you something.

shockthemonkey · 22/03/2023 12:48

I voted yabu because I find it unreasonable that you ever hooked up with him. Then I read on to see that he hid his unpleasantness from you until after the birth of your child.

BreviloquentBastard · 22/03/2023 12:48

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:36

And now it's too late for her to change that, and my guess is that she wouldn't go back in time and give her child up if you could organise it for her. Why do you think slamming her for it is going to help?

OP he seems to listen when you talk as he does change for a time then starts again. I wouldn't normally suggest this but, have you ever embarrassed him back? Just a response like "well one of us needs to make an effort in the relationship" might have shut him up at that point in time.

What are the other issues, aside from him being a gobshite?

Show quote history

I'm not shaming her, I had a baby at 17 with a boy I barely knew, she has my greatest sympathies and I get it. I'm just saying... It is black and white. People are questioning the decision to have children with him, rightly, and she's biting their heads off saying it's not that black and white when it literally is.

Sometimes we do have to take responsibility for our poor choices, women are not all helpless damsels in distress with no agency.

Quitelikeit · 22/03/2023 12:48

Anyone and I mean anyone who gets pregnant after 6 months does not know what kind of man someone is after that length of time

Also note of caution people rarely change - it’s v hard to change yourself never mind others

Panama2 · 22/03/2023 12:53

If you are going to stay with him start sharing personal details about him with friends see how he likes it. Perhaps a post on Facebook?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 12:57

Panama2 · 22/03/2023 12:53

If you are going to stay with him start sharing personal details about him with friends see how he likes it. Perhaps a post on Facebook?

Why would you stay in a relationship just so you can do that?

Just end it if your only reason for staying is to take revenge. Hell, you can take revenge after you've dumped him if it's really that important.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/03/2023 13:01

If you’re not yet so sick of his behaviour that you’re ready to actually leave, I’d sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you’re sick of the way he treats you. Tell him everything you’ve said in your post on MN, that he clearly thinks it’s acceptable to tell everyone your private business, despite being asked not too, and it’s making you miserable that he obviously thinks it’s fine to patronise and belittle you. He needs to know you’re not prepared to put up with it any more and that it’s now a threat to your relationship to the point where you are considering leaving. If that doesn’t wake him up then he’s a complete arsehole and you should follow through and leave.

Panama2 · 22/03/2023 13:07

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 12:57

Why would you stay in a relationship just so you can do that?

Just end it if your only reason for staying is to take revenge. Hell, you can take revenge after you've dumped him if it's really that important.

Show quote history

It was said tongue in cheek jeez

TomatoSandwiches · 22/03/2023 13:07

You don't seem to be able to accept some personal responsibility in chosing a really shit partner so if you do leave him ( and I highly reyou do ) make sure you work on yourself and get some therapy to find out why you settled for a pos like him so you don't end up pregnant 6 months in to a relationship with another Prince like this one.

Good luck.

PoppyFleur · 22/03/2023 13:10

I voted YABU because I can’t believe you have tolerated this man child for so long. You are the mother of his two children and you deserve to be respected and loved.

However, you already had a child when you embarked on a relationship and quickly got pregnant. And now all your children are watching your partner disrespect you. You can’t go back in time but you can take responsibility for your actions and change things for the better.

You are worth more, and your children are worth more. Time to find your voice and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. His behaviour will tell you all you need to know on whether you have a future together.

itwasntmetho · 22/03/2023 13:19

People don't change, not telling him anything is a good idea, but the whole sit him down and explain why when he notices is not realistically going to change anything. He is what he is, stay or go but you'd be an idiot to trust him again.

Bluetrews25 · 22/03/2023 13:19

Oh dear, OP. This is the famous MN tough love you are getting right now.

Perhaps you had the DCs because you were an optimist.
Perhaps it was to give you and your oldest one some security.
Either way, the DCs are here and that cannot change.

You can't change him, you can only change your reaction to him.

Telling his secrets far and wide would make you as bad as him.
Channel Michelle Obama - when they go low, we go high.

I think you know what to do. Good luck.

CambsAlways · 22/03/2023 13:22

You say he hasn’t shown any respect or consideration to you right from the start of your relationship I’m actually baffled as to why you continued being with him, so if you knew that from the start surely you didn’t think things would get better, he showed you his true colours.

pinkyredrose · 22/03/2023 13:33

Since the beginning my partner has demonstrated a clear lack of consideration and respect for me

Then why the fuck did you stay with him?

3peassuit · 22/03/2023 13:33

He doesn’t respect you. He mocks you to his friends to get a cheap laugh at your expense. Is this the relationship you want your children exposed to?

Toadintheroll · 22/03/2023 13:36

I agree he doesn't respect you, it's not easy to leave especially when children are involved, but he isn't going to change and it's not unreasonable for you to realise you deserve better than this.