I became the 'other woman'.

[elizaljames]

I was seeing a guy for 5 months. All was going well. Everything smoothly. Little did I know... he had a long term partner twin daughters. The twin girls are three years old. He's been with his partner for 9 years.

The reason I wasn't aware of their existence was because the family were in a different country. He was initially meant to be here with our subsidiary company on a three month contract. But before that timeframe passed, he was offered a permanent contract, hence the family coming.

Before anyone says 'you must have known he had a partner' etc.... no. I didn't. We spent endless blocks of time together. Even spent weeks on end together. No sneakiness with the phone despite the time difference, no hiding the phone, no sudden 'work emergencies' etc... He stayed at my home over entire weekends! His social media consists of only 6 photos - latest being from 2018 and that was a phot of a sunset!

Needless to say, his partner did indeed find out, as she came over to surprise him one day - and with the girls too obviously. I wasn't there, but apparently she saw my skincare products in the bathroom as well as my clothes on the bedside table.

The crafty fucker kept none of our text messages (must have been deleting as he went), but didn't think to delete the call logs (which also shows that the calls were FaceTime calls instead of just regular calls) - and I got a call from an angry American (from his number) demanding me to tell her who I was.

I have spent recent days in a total haze and have been WFH (as we are allowed to from time to time).

Yesterday, he called me and begged me to go along with a made up story. No apology for me or anything - just purely wanting me to go along with a 'plan' as his relationship - as he put it - was dead in the water anyway. Like that was supposed to make it all ok. I did demand an explanation (which is how I know the above/about the twins/the plan for the family to move here etc...) but to be honest, when dealing with a liar, you can't even trust what they tell you to be the truth. A man that can lie to one woman, can easily lie to two.

I hung up after telling him I had no desire to go along with his story. His story, of course, didn't make me look good/innocent. Why would it? At the end of the day, he didn't call me to 'explain himself' (not that anything he said mattered since he lied about literally everything), he called me to ensure that I would maintain the same BS story he told her. He suddenly had all this morality and was talking to me about the importance of family for him etc...

The thing is, I still have all the proof. Alllllll the messages, photos, countless paragraphs of how he pursued me, told me he was single, etc...

Part of me wants to cut him out of my life and just forget the whole thing ever happened. I skipped part the sad breakup stage of a typical relationship because of my anger - and guilt - even though I was in the dark about his 'real life'!!

Another part of me doesn't want to hurt his partner further with all the proof. She probably wouldn't believe me anyway despite the proof being irrefutable. They have twins together and I feel awful for a potential break up of a marriage/family even though I wasn't aware of their existence until very recently!

Another part of me wants to expose him for who he really is. My messages would show the whole picture - and not the lies he fed her upon her finding out. But again, there's so so so much there that it would definitely end their family setup.

I must admit... I'm very angry at being seen as a 'home-wrecker' more than anything else - so I largely want to clear my name. My motives aren't entirely altruistic in that regard. I also stupidly expected an apology. Ridiculous, I know.

Also, how did he expect to keep this 'relationship' going once the entire family arrived?! I suppose he could have just gone MIA/broken it off. I guess it is a moot point now.

Sorry if this is rambling-y. I'm enraged about this entire situation. I actually think I'm beating myself up more than he is!

Should I leave it be - or pass all the evidence on? Is there any point? Am I just being a bitch if I do that? Who is it really serving at the end of the day?

I’d give her everything. Absolutely everything. Shine a light on his behaviour and let her make her own decision. There is no need to hide anything. You have done nothing wrong.

Someone did this to me once. We worked for the same employer but lived in different areas, and we (along with a few others) were sent to head office in Italy for two months. I didn’t know he had a long term partner at home who he’d been with for years. They had a house and everything.

I never actually asked if he was single, I just assumed he was because we were getting it on! He wouldn’t accept my friend request on Facebook, he said he made the accounts years ago but didn’t use social media nowadays. Actually it was because he was listed as in a relationship and all of their photos were on there.

He never apologised. Just tried to blame me because I hadn’t asked his relationship status. Claimed it was a “holiday fling”. Then told me to leave him and his partner alone. I never told her - their lives aren’t my problem, and I thought either she wouldn’t believe me, or she’d shoot the messenger, or if she did believe me he would retaliate against me. I just blocked him and moved on. I heard later that they got married and had kids.

I don’t feel guilty even though I was technically the other woman - he lied to me. At least he lied by omission. Twat.

If she's moving countries to be with him she should have disclosure. Up to her if she moves past it. Agree questions for short period then block. Do you work with him though?

Tell her. She already knows. She just wants (and deserves to know) the truth.

What sorry did he want you to tell her? I’m curious as to how he was going to spin it - that you were a stalker who broke into his house and left your stuff there?
will you be working with him from now on? If so I would want to clear your name with her as otherwise as she meets more colleagues of yours/his she might bad mouth you.

Can you even contact her? If so you and you want to then it's not your responsibility about breaking up their home. Equally she already knows he was cheating. So do as you feel. But if you do talk to her just be as gentle as you can and say you're willing to answer any questions and let her come to you.

FWIW I dont think we should use the phrase Other Woman for women who were in a relationship and cheated on.

You're as blindsided as the wife. You were cheated on. Its shit and I'm sorry x

Give her enough so that she has an accurate view of what happened that he won't be able to wriggle out of and then she can decide what she wants to do.

You can’t just say you had affair with him, blah blah blah, she won’t believe you. You have to show her the evidence.

I'd tell her but just do it in a sympathetic way, someone DM'd me on insta in a past relationship whilst I was on holiday with friends to tell me I had been cheated on but she was so gleeful I had to block her. She kept messing me of different accounts asking me if I had confronted my partner with laughing emojis, she was vile. I wanted to know everything but not from her since she was taking pleasure in it!

So sorry this happened to you but don't beat yourself up, you didn't know! Better things will come.

Too right I’d tell her everything. And send everything.

What do you think he will do if OP provides info to his partner that ends his relationship and results in him losing his kids? Men have seriously hurt women for less. OP it’s not your problem, put your own safety first and just block and ignore.

Like a pp I would just answer her/send her a message saying you were in a relationship with someone you understood to be single and that while he may have deleted messages you have them and can send them on if she wishes to see them

If should be her decision if she wants to see them or not. Remember she will be going through hell too and so it wouldn’t be fair to send her a bunch of messages without her knowing that they are coming

Offer to send her everything. If she falls for his rug sweeping bullshit and then he dumps her she may end up trapped in a country with twins, no job and no family support. The law may prevent her from leaving under The Hague convention and he evidently give little concern to her consent or wellbeing.

You don’t owe her anything, he’s an arsehole. But I wouldn’t wish the above scenario on anyone.

Both of you are innocent in this. I would write her an email/letter/etc stating you have a vast amount of evidence which you are happy to give her/her solicitor. I would also explain your innocence. I’d also make it clear I wouldn’t have gone near him had I have known. Personally I’d tell her about The Hague convention situation too.

I am sorry this happened to you.

Agree with PP. If she called you directly, she's not one of the Ostrich Wives (what I like to call the women who bury their heads in the sand and try to convince themselves that they are loved).

I think if she didn't know at all and was still blissfully deluded, it would be more of a dilemma. But now she already knows something, but also knows that she doesn't know the full story. She will already be in agony trying to figure out whether to believe her husband.

The agony – was I right to trust his story? – may even continue over years as I witnessed personally. In a way, after so much grasping and doubting, being told the full story is a form of peace.

The main point to get across is he lied about being single, you had a relationship and he is calling you asking you to cover for him. And you are very disappointed and want nothing more to do with him.

She needs to know he's trying to cover his tracks, but like another poster said not in a way that could be perceived as gleeful (you clearly aren't), what a shit.

I was made to feel utterly bonkers by my exh who strung out a sick game for almost a year whilst I was guessing and second guessing. My gut knew the truth. It was only when I was sent cold evidence 15 months later I could process it and move on (yes it hurt but he'd have strung out the pain a lot longer). She already half knows, put the poor woman out of her misery. You honestly didn't know, you owe him nothing but I'd feel it a duty to another woman to give her the evidence so he can't manipulate her.

It depends what you said to her on the phone.

did you have the chance to make it crystal clear that you had no idea he was attached or had kids, you thought he was your boyfriend etc? Could she have been left in any doubt?

It's then her call what she does with that. She's totally in her right to be daft and give him another chance, but at least it gives her the power.

If she has any doubts, just tell her the truth so she can at least make an informed decision. You can tell her the whole sorry truth and balance it with the fact that he asked you to lie now as he wants to stay with her.

Send her everything, she deserves to know.

Block his number and her number. Maybe change your number if you can?

A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone, near the start fortunately so it had not gone much past flirting, when she got a message from his wife -he had told her he was single of course. His wife wanted all their messages, friend send over all the messages she had but there were a few she had deleted. The wife kept coming back and demanding to know what was in them - my friend genuinely could not remember and finally had to tell the wife she had to stop asking her for them and stop contacting her, that her husband had said he was single and now she knew differently she wanted nothing more to do with him. If there are any gaps or any space for doubts she will be going over and over it, and he will use any little gap to weasel back in. She deserves the whole truth, would share everything and then tell her you want no further involvement.

You do not send messages to hurt his partner - you are revenging the wrong person. Do not take your anger out on his partner who is as innocent as you allege you are.

No sympathy with you if you do something so nasty and vindictive.

I'd pass it on, I'd I were her I'd want to know 💐 x

I think the best thing, the thing that will stop you from feeling bad in the long run, is to walk away and forget the whole sorry saga. Don't get dragged into their messy marital problems any more.