To feel like I’m drowning and there’s no clear way out?

[TorviShieldMaiden]

I am a single/co-parent. I work full time, have two dc. Dc10 is autistic and really struggling. She schools refuses a few times a week and it is getting worse. I have done an application for an EHC assessment and awaiting school Senco to do her bit. I’ve been to GP and told to write out her anxiety issues and it can be submitted for a referral to mine mate- more paperwork for me! School have made some adjustments, but it isn’t enough. And they haven’t been consistent so she doesn’t trust them.

my work are very understanding, but my job is pretty full on. I cannot afford to give up work or change jobs, my sector is small and unlikely to find something on same salary. Add to that I love my job and want a career.

Ex is ok, but mostly useless. I do everything related to agencies, school, forms etc. DC hates going to his house, she has significant separation anxiety with me. She does go though.

I’ve read books, done webinars, but I’m out of solutions. I do low demand parenting. I feel like I’m failing her and worried about having to give up work. Worried about being fined for absence or even being prosecuted! Worried that my relationship with DP will fail because of it all.

DC13 is ok, but misses out on time with me. He has health anxiety since covid, and I worry about him. Add to that my dad is terminally ill and I feel like my whole life is out of control.

This morning after an hour and half of trying to get to school (led by her, she does want to go, she just can’t) I had to sit in bathroom and cry. I feel at the end of my ability to cope. I’ve been signed off for a week, but I can’t just be signed off until there is resolution. Even an EHCP (very I likely) could take months. Then possible appeals and tribunals.

If DD can’t attend school full time the LA must provide alternative arrangements. This should begin once it becomes clear DC will miss 15 days, the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive.

Check what the absences are being recorded as, they should be authorised.


If you haven’t already, apply for DLA.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the disabled children’s team for DC.

For DC1 get in contact with your local young carers service and sibs.

We get DLA already. I haven’t had social care assessments I’ll have a look. Although no doubt it will involve more 30 page forms to fill in!

I didn’t know that about the 15 days I thought it had to be consecutive.

On their website Contact have model letters you can use to request social care assessments.

The 15 days don’t have to be consecutive - see this guidance. If provision isn’t in place email the Director of Children’s Services informing them of the situation and requesting provision. If you are ignored or provision isn’t arranged email again reminding them of their duty and threatening judicial review. If that fails contact SOSSEN for help with a pre-action letter.

Thanks. I’ll take a look. I just wish everything didn’t involve so much bloody time and paperwork.

I’m fairly certain at the moment her absence is recorded as illness.

Bit we have had the “persistently absent” letter.

I lost it with her this morning and got cross and dragged her by the arm a bit. Which is said I’d never do. I’m so ashamed of myself. I had a doctor’s appointment myself to get to and she wouldn’t move off driveway.

I cancelled appointment and she did go to school, but think I’ve caused more damage. I just can’t seem to stay calm, and now I’m crying because I just can’t do this every day.

if this goes on, I lose my job, my house. She gets no education. I know I need to stay calm, but it’s so hard every morning.

So sorry I’ve no advice, OP, but just to tell you you’re not alone. Have you posted on the SEN boards as well? Lots of good Mumsnet advice there from fellow parents.

If DD qualifies for entry, would she be potentially happier at a SEN school?

It would depend on her EHCP. There are two provisions nearish by that cater to autistic students who are academically able. Both require to be named on EHCP (actually one you can pay privately but it’s £32k a year).

The senco is excellent and really knows her stuff and has said EHCP is really hard to get at moment, especially for children who aren’t suffering academically. So I am expecting a fight. Even if we get it it’s 20+ weeks away.

Don’t listen to the SENCO putting you off. Unfortunately some often say DC won’t get an EHCP and parents go on to successfully apply yourself. You may need to appeal, many do, but don’t give up.

Could u take a logder in

Do you have DC with additional needs who are struggling? Adding a lodger into the mix is likely to cause more stress and anxiety.