Inspired by another thread, I'd love opinions on my relationship. I'm aware this is AIBU but am feeling robust enough to take any inevitable criticism on the chin.
This is potentially very outing too so I'll try to be detailed enough whilst also being vague, bear with me!
My partner and I only met a few times before I found out I was pregnant. Yes yes, irresponsible I know, no judgement required. I decided to keep the child, despite us not having a solid relationship at that time, giving a few options to him, e.g. I'd go it alone, or we could co-parent, or else we could make a go at creating a family unit.
We chose this last option, but it has been hard. I mean really hard. We are not naturally compatible, and there are traits in him that I would not choose in a partner usually, both superficial (e.g. I am a deep thinker and love a debate, he really only gets animated about cars) as well as substantial (e.g. I feel he doesn't really listen to me). I'm not faultless (I can be chaotic, demanding, and over sensitive when I’m tired) and he also brings out some bad behaviour in me too when we argue (which I’ll come on to in a bit). Nevertheless, three years later and we now have a second child, are planning a life together, and are consistently working at strengthening 'us'. He’s a great father, a good man, and is evolving (as I am) into a good and thoughtful partner - we had both been the ‘eternal bachelor’ type before, so we have been learning how to live with someone else let alone how to parent!
I guess my issue is that as we work at our relationship we argue a lot, and badly. It often follows a pattern - he takes out his bad mood on me, I defend myself, and it escalates - or else I respond negatively to one of the traits that I dislike. In the past I laid the blame firmly at his feet (I wouldn’t need to argue if I weren’t defending myself!) but I think now that it’s more nuanced, and it’s how we respond to one another that is the issue. I revert to some terrible teenage tantrum style of shouting - it's awful and something I trained myself out of years ago. Indeed, I pride myself on being an effective communicator generally! He on the other hand is passive and sulky when we row. But both of us have done the silent treatment, we have sworn at each other, have said some awful things (in front of our toddler too) and in any other circumstances I would not have stayed around. It has been toxic at times.
However, I think we have hope. We always reflect on our arguments, and are beginning to recognise the triggers - recently we have tried a few techniques to pull us back if it escalates e.g. a code word or leaving the room or a change in tone of voice. He is open to seeing a couples counsellor (albeit a little grudgingly, I think he thinks we're generally fine and can handle this ourselves, whereas I think we need objective support). Our children mean the world to us and we know that we must model good behaviour. I have also been nothing but pregnant and sleep deprived since we met so I'm not even sure if this is the 'real' us if that makes sense.
I guess my AIBU is am I deluding myself? The post I referred to at the start had lots of people saying they never had shouty arguments with their partner. I would usually agree, it's never something I'd ever countenance were it not for our young children and the fact that I don't think we've given our relationship a chance. We haven't even been on a date yet, if you can believe that! (We met during lockdown, and since then I’ve been EBF or pregnant so childcare has been last of my priorities)
I just don't want to give up yet, not until the hormones and fatigue have subsided.
I'll be absolutely clear - if we continue arguing then I will absolutely leave, and we have discussed this. The children come first and I do not want to model this sort of relationship to them, I've had my own share of dysfunctional parental influences to do that to my own. But can a relationship survive this sort of topsy turvy start - children first, then love and respect and longevity - or would anyone suggest it'll end terribly despite the work we're willing to put in?
(I'm not asking what I should do, I have no intention of leaving just yet, just curious as to other experiences and opinions).