Do your parents do this to you ?

[tvremot]

My parents ( both ) talk a lot about how I was a really great baby, toddler, child. Very capable, learning things really fast, inquisitive, sensitive. Everyone praised my good behaviour ( always ).

They often say they don't understand what happened to me... as I was so great. Like they had other expectations of me.

They bring it up sometimes when they see I am struggling with something in my life. It's like I failed them when I became autonomous.

I was great and perfect with them, but fucked it all up when I went out into the world. I find it pretty annoying.

They'll bring it up over dumb stuff too. If I have a messy cupboard in my kitchen, my mum will go on about how tidy I was as a child and what a shame it is, that I struggle to have tidy cupboards now. She says if I hadn't gone off as much on my own, she would have taught me. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I have doubts in myself over silly things and if I end up confiding in my mum about it, she goes on and on about what a confident child I used to be and what the hell happened.

I used to struggle with this a lot in my early twenties. When I had any kind of failure I would really beat myself up about it. Because I had somehow failed myself / my nature. I took it really hard when I messed up at things. I always felt I failed my ' perfect ' nature.

I've moved past that now and I'm fine, but I still find it really irritating when they do this.

Can anyone relate ?

I realise I sound really young in this post. I'm not- I'm 35/ married / career / kids etc.

I'm not unhappy with who I've become, but I find it frustrating when my parents do this.

With parents like that no wonder you had a sense of failure.

I think it’s time to call them out on it

Just remind them that they raised you, so if they don't like what they see, it's their fault!

I have done, but they still end up doing it..

That sounds really wearing OP. I'd pull them up on it.

Thankfully I was apparently a nightmare of a child with endless tantrums and no ability to keep a tidy room, who always argued back. I think they were always a bit surprised that I turned out normal and anyone wanted to marry me or be my friend!

My father, in particular, expected me to excel at everything. One time we were watching Olympic gymnasts and he was really getting off on these tiny little girls performing tremendous feats. He turned to me and said 'Why don't YOU do things like this?' I am not kidding. When he realised I wasn't Oxbridge material, he told me I should leave school and get a job. All my life I've beaten myself up any time I got anything wrong because anything less than perfect wasn't good enough for me.

I’m completely the opposite, difficult baby father struggled to love me. Black sheep as a teenager labelled as naughty although I wasn’t. My parents I feel still haven’t got a sense I’m not completely wild. I regularly have to point out my degree, mortgage and two children to them. You cannot change them but you can change your reaction to them. How about turning it into a joke?

I remember my Grandma telling my mum 'You were a beautiful child, but look at you now'. It really hurt her.

When I gained weight as a teenager, my dad said ' we didn't give you a body like this '...

Oh and he always advised I should get a nose job and he'd pay for it. Haha

My mother in particular used to do something similar: every time I saw her she would say "You used to have such lovely hair when you were little" (it´s not like
I´d had done anything to it, I just had white blonde hair as a child that later darkened with age). I finally got her to stop by replying "And you used to have lovely hair too when I was younger, but I don´t go on about it because its NOT KIND". Maybe time you too turned the tables with something like, "And you used to be such kind/encouraging/supportive parents. Funny how people change"...

No, they were always on my side. So say a teacher called home, they would say apologise and smile but not tell me off much. It def gave me good self esteem. Also they would rescue me not tell me off, eg when I wanted to come home from a holiday early book a flight and pick me up. If I ended up at some random house with weed being hotboxed I'd call home and they'd come get me and not get really mad that i was miles away from where I'd said I would be. They trusted me so I trusted them. I got straight As and my school thought I was quite well behaved 🤣

My dad used to do this to me all the time, especially when I was younger. He would say 'what happened to you, you used to be such a nice girl.' I'll tell you what happened to me, you! I went nc as soon as I could

This is so sad to read. I was also a high achieving child, always told I was clever. I did get a place at an excellent university and had a good career, now a SAHM. I do sometimes wonder if my Mum is disappointed about that, though she’s never said it. Both my DC are very academic but I’m very careful not to put any pressure on them.

Contrary to the rest of the advice here, I would say don’t pull them up on it. Instead, Google “narcissistic parents” and “enmeshed families and see if any of it rings true.

I’m not an armchair psychologist, just another woman that was raised by narcissists in an enmeshed bullshit family. Your story sounds familiar, but sorry if I’m way off the mark.

I don’t know you, OP but I’m sure you’re a fab person and you don’t deserve to be spoken to like this.xx

My mother in law does this with my DD.

She's early 20s now but MIL keeps referring to her mid teens and how late she was for everything, messy, disorganised, stroppy, hard work. She's nothing like that now and it winds me up.

Yep I get this too, my mum is quite narcissistic and thinks everything is about her, even my life?! At the end of the day it's unkind, and I pointed it out (it was not accepted obviously) and now have to distance myself a bit, end conversations when they get nasty, and just avoid her if I'm not feeling strong. My parents really did a number on my self esteem and I'm still paying for it at well over 40, I have to try and limit the negativity they bring.