To stop MIL seeing DC?

[Pondering38]

Name changed..

MIL has been bad mouthing me (reluctant to give details as I know she is on here). I cannot take it anymore and am going LC/NC. Should I continue to let her see my 6 month old DC? I would like to maintain relationship for DH sake but my instinct says I should not allow DC around someone who bad mouths me.

Let your DH maintain the relationship between him and his mother and his children and his mother.

You take a HUGE step back from it.

If she contacts you, point her in the direction of your husband and say that he is taking charge of making any arrangements going forwards.

See if he does actually make any arrangements to meet her. Then you'll have your answer.

YANBU I wouldn't want to make anyone like that part of my life and would not want to expose my DC to anything she might be saying behind your back. If you're absolutely certain that it's MIL bad mouthing you then I think no contact is a logical step. What is DP/DH saying about it?

I assume what she is saying is a lie?

I would allow DH to take kids to see her but not allow her in your home and also don't sacrifice large amounts of your own time with DC.

There's another thread where a husband takes the DC to see dad every Sunday, leaving OP alone to do the housework. Don't fall in that trap.

DH fully backs me and confronts her behaviour, MIL then has a breakdown and blames her mental health, DH then feels sorry for her and all blows over.

Part of me expects DH to cut contact until she can show me some respect, although I would not ask him to do this.

My view is that if she is too toxic for you to deal with, then why would you expose your DC to her?

So your DH is wrapped up in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) when she has a 'breakdown'?
He is afraid of cutting contact due to her mental health.
He's obliged to keep contact going due to her 'breakdown' or mental health.
He feels guilty/sorry and the cycle continues.

I'm not diminishing anyone who genuinely has a breakdown here but by the sounds of things, she has more of a tantrum with tears/emotional outburst and then her son allows her to continue bad mouthing his wife?
Have I got the situation right there?

@LookItsMeAgain I could have written that myself. I do understand it is difficult for DH to see his M upset but I think it clouds his judgement and he forgets she is the one who caused the situation in the first place by bad mouthing me.

I cannot help but feel I would not allow my own M to treat my DH this way. He does always stick up for me initially but then is very keen to let bygones be bygones.

Step back definatly to protect your self. Let him visit.

I am still at a loss on what to do.. WIBU to expect DH to back me?

It's difficult to judge this situation on so little detail (and I appreciate why you want to keep it quiet).

In general yes, I would expect DH to back me if MIL was bad-mouthing me, and no, I wouldn't be keen on my DC being around a grandparent who undermines a parent, I think that can be quite damaging.

You just have to make a decision and let your DH know.

Something like "Dh, I've decided that I am not going to be a punchbag for your mother's comments. I've had my fill. Just so you're not surprised in the increase in calls/text/carrier pigeons going in you general direction, from now on, if she contacts me I'm going to direct her to you and you can arrange to meet up with her. I'll not be going out of my way to be in her company. Her comments about me are vile and I've had enough. I am not saying that you cannot meet up with her, just that I'll not be facilitating any meetings/dinners/whatever going forwards. As your wife, I need and expect your support on this."

@LookItsMeAgain DH would back me if i decide to take a step back from MIL. I’m just not sure what he would say/if IABU to cut DC contact with MIL.

I guess the thing I would say to him is how would he like it if your Dc was exposed to the same behaviour?

I wouldn't expose my child to such toxic and abusive behaviour. Doesn't matter who they are.

@Pondering38 - start with you cutting back your involvement in arranging any gatherings where your MIL is involved.
If your DH says that he wants to bring the kids to see their granny, then you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
It would depend on how many visits your DH will actually arrange when he is the one left in charge of sorting out the arrangements.

Op you take the step back but don't be obvious or make big pronouncements.
Play it by ear re your child.
Personally I would be carful and perhaps be less available to her....

The main thing is dh has your back

It'd be no contact between mil and my dc.
I'd not have her dripping poison in their ears.
Dc is only young now but will sense a vibe and as they grow will ask questions as to why you don't get along/why mummy doesn't see granny etc and even if you try to keep things light it is very possible mil will play the victim and try to paint you as not very nice- especially if you're not there to defend yourself and her son is the one enabling contact.
I'd not risk the manipulation.

People will tell you to let your husband take the baby to her by himself but I really disagree with this. You deserve, at the least, basic respect and if she's badmouthing you then she isn't worth having in your life. If she is too toxic for you, she is too toxic for your tiny innocent baby. How long before she's badmouthing you to your child?

Honestly, your relationship with your child is too important to risk her alienating you from them.

Your husband should have your back and support you with this. Your mental health matters too. Personally I would cut off anyone who badmouthed my husband like that. Your family (you, your spouse and children) come first.

Maybe discuss this with him and show him this thread